Preprise Posted May 24, 2009 Report Posted May 24, 2009 (edited) Crap on skates! My first post in like 2 years and I screw up the thread title. click to view a performance of the song. Edited May 24, 2009 by Patrick fixing thread title
Mira Posted May 24, 2009 Report Posted May 24, 2009 Dig it. Any plans to add any other instrumentation?
Feste Posted May 24, 2009 Report Posted May 24, 2009 It seems to me the flow's a tad wavy at first, however, the end picks up beautifully. All in all very awesome job -- and a YouTube performance to boot!
Tanuchan Posted May 24, 2009 Report Posted May 24, 2009 I agree with Feast — seem a bit hesitant in the beginning, but I like how it ends; rather catchy! The lyrics are... intriguing I think I'd like to hear this with other instrumentation, if you ever think on doing that. And since I have no musical formation enough to add more than my listener's opinion, that's it
Preprise Posted May 25, 2009 Author Report Posted May 25, 2009 (edited) Thanks for the input, keep it coming! I have no plans for instrumentation right now. I'm focusing on building a body of songs. Once I feel I have a decent repertoire of originals, I'll think of the next step. Now I'm just focusing on the song structures. You, my friends, will be the test audience for these songs. Other than my wife, you're the first to hear these songs. I've been writing songs seriously for about 10 years. I recently got excited about a new lyric writing techniques and a new chord and melody construction method so it's lots of fun! But I'm bored of working in a vacuum, I want these little constructs to be heard by more people. I've decided it's silly to toil away at my craft and put my whole heart in a song and have only 3 people hear it. So, thank you! Edited May 25, 2009 by Preprise
Katzaniel Posted May 25, 2009 Report Posted May 25, 2009 Very nice. When I thought it was going to end after three verses, it seemed too short, but the repetition on the third verse works well. The words are nicely written and the music compliments it very well. I did think there were a couple of pauses that seemed odd, perhaps only because "popular music" is different? Different certainly does not mean bad, but I was kind of expecting to hear the word "flood" get more emphasis, or last longer or something. In the next line, the same thing with "the blood", you don't put much emphasis on "the" and it makes it seem kind of weird to me. Perhaps I am only echoing what Tanny said about "hesitant in the beginning" because there's not much else for a while. Perhaps "you" in the "you steal my secret wish" line. Perhaps. In the last verse, I don't know how to describe it, but the bit around "... nothing/Nothing ..." seemed a tad off to me as well. I don't know if I was expecting hear more of a pause, or less of one, or what. Anyway, I'm about the farthest you can get from an expert on this sort of stuff, so I figured I'd tell you what I'm hearing and let you decide if there's any worth in it. Overall, I am very impressed, and hope you continue with this.
Signe Posted May 26, 2009 Report Posted May 26, 2009 I really like the melody, and I agree that it picks up pleasingly towards the end, though the mic could barely handle it! Growing up listening to my stepdad writing music and then later hearing it performed I can imagine how much more impact it would have with more support. For ME, the lyrics were the weakest part. There are lines I really like (you steal my secret wish) and others maybe I didn't get or wasn't able to appreciate as much (closure of the cleanest tomb?) and with such a compressed lyric, I would want every line to feel absolutely critical to the overall song. perhaps some way of weaving "tell me nothing beats the best" earlier on? Please disregard any of this that doesn't suit, my critical skills are rusty when it comes to more abstract writings, but I did want to give some feedback.
Preprise Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Posted May 26, 2009 Thank you Katz and Signe! It seems you all enjoyed the song to some degree so that's great!
Preprise Posted May 29, 2009 Author Report Posted May 29, 2009 (edited) Please disregard any of this that doesn't suit, my critical skills are rusty when it comes to more abstract writings, but I did want to give some feedback. Well, thing is, this poem is not abstract. This song was written very deliberately and it has a specific meaning. If you figure it out by yourself you will get a sense of satisfaction and renewed enjoyment. That's the theory anyway. ...If you ask nicely I'll tell you what it's about. I'll whisper it in your ear. Edited May 29, 2009 by Jason Newcomb
Mardrax Posted June 19, 2009 Report Posted June 19, 2009 Definately digging it. I like how you built most of the song over the same chord progression, only varying it in the end. Keeping the music low key with the heavy muting is definitely a good thing in my book, but it makes the switch to ringing chords all the more sudden, and maybe a bit overwhelming. With the chorus -even when repeated- being a bit on the short side, it leaves me just getting into it when you lapse it out. It works though, and it might just be my headache talking right now. One thing that does bug me is the hesitancy with which you enter the second verse, both the first couple of notes on the guitar and the complete first line of vocals. My own approach would be to make the first line "like the...tomb" run into eachother smoothly, instead of inserting a rest after 'closure'. This would create a bit of element of buildup, in advance of the chorus. Not to mention variance in something that may be percieved as 'more of the same' after the first verse immediately preceding it. Of course, there's something to say for keeping it in line with the rest as well. Also, I'd cut a measure out of the break in between the two verses. All in all, good stuff. Definitely catchy. I've been walking around with a tune like this in my head since a jam session two years back. This might exorcise it
Preprise Posted June 20, 2009 Author Report Posted June 20, 2009 (edited) Definately digging it. I like how you built most of the song over the same chord progression, only varying it in the end. Keeping the music low key with the heavy muting is definitely a good thing in my book, but it makes the switch to ringing chords all the more sudden, and maybe a bit overwhelming. With the chorus -even when repeated- being a bit on the short side, it leaves me just getting into it when you lapse it out. It works though, and it might just be my headache talking right now. One thing that does bug me is the hesitancy with which you enter the second verse, both the first couple of notes on the guitar and the complete first line of vocals. My own approach would be to make the first line "like the...tomb" run into eachother smoothly, instead of inserting a rest after 'closure'. This would create a bit of element of buildup, in advance of the chorus. Not to mention variance in something that may be percieved as 'more of the same' after the first verse immediately preceding it. Of course, there's something to say for keeping it in line with the rest as well. Also, I'd cut a measure out of the break in between the two verses. All in all, good stuff. Definitely catchy. I've been walking around with a tune like this in my head since a jam session two years back. This might exorcise it Very good feedback Mardrax. One of the changes I made after listening to the performance, taking out a measure between the verses. As for the "like the...tomb" thing, I'll certainly try that. The loud open chords, I'm keeping them in. I like it like that and how it cuts out short. It fits the subject matter for me (a conversation with sin). Seems we think along the same lines though. I'd love to hear some of your stuff! Edited June 20, 2009 by Jason Newcomb
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