The Almost Report Schools Itself on Adequacy the Hard Way

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on and pan over an adequately spaced room, with a few plain wooden counters that have been rearranged in a crooked “W” formation over DeantheAdequate’s imitation werewolf fur carpet. Two sofas with adequate cushions are positioned at opposite ends of the W’s tails, and news sheets seem to be scattered over the different objects in a less-than-adequate organizational technique. Kazoos begin playing little sputtering notes akin to the opening to a heated news debate show in the background, only to die down anti-climatically as Wyvern steps in with a swoosh of his tail.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the Almost Report.” Wyvern plops down onto one of the couches and turns his snout to the ceiling for a moment, piercing one of the sofa cushions with his horns. “Reporting to you sssolo from DeantheAdequate’s quarters in an effort to create an adequate show for you thisss week. And in honor of his birthday too, of course.”

 

Wyvern grunts and cocks his feet onto one of the counters, reaching between two of the sofa cushions and pulling out a crumpled news sheet. Stray sofa feathers flutter through the air as the lizard tilts his head to read it and trails his claws over the fine print.

 

“Sssssays here that, according to Patrick, Tug’ssss father is pretty deep into gambling debt … surprising, since I ssseem to recall losing a hand or two to him back in the day.” Wyvern ignores the sound of snickering troglyodytes in the background as he examines the document and continues. “Anyway, Tug and his buddy Ssspot went on some sorta adventure, and folks’re a little sssketchy on the details of the story. You can help’em fill in the blanks by continuing it in the Cabaret.”

 

Wyvern folds the news item into a messy paper airplane and tosses it into the air in a careless manner, only to flinch as the flight immediately curves around and crashes on his head. The reptilian reporter grumbles and scrambles over the counters to snatch up another news item, lifting it to his snout in the hopes of saving face.

 

“In other urgent Pen newssss, Tanuchan and Stephen have decided to volunteer in the http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16583</a>'>election day polling for the Wizard Academy of Plane-Iota-Psi-Nine. Apparently, that’sss some sorta orcish pig latin for ‘I oughta sign mine’ or sssomething.” Wyvern clears his throat and lies down over the counters in an exhausted manner, breaking their semblance of a “W” as he holds the news sheet over his snout. “In other exclusssive news on the subject, we here at the Report clearly endorssse the ‘Crimson’ party and predict a wide win margin on their behalf. More information on the sssubject as it developsss.”

 

Wyvern tosses the news sheet aside and shuts his eyes, then turns only to fall off of the counters and face first into DeantheAdequate’s rug. The reptilian reporter grumbles as he lifts himself to his feet, clutching his snout in claw and muttering something muffled by the position of his tongue.

 

“That about coverssss it for this week’s newsss, I suppose. Here’sss hoping this broadcast hit the ‘adequate’ mark in your ratings books… we’ll try our best to bring you sssomething more interesting next time.” Wyvern reaches under one of the counters and pulls out a white bag of Almost Dragonic Brand Products with the word “Inadequate” written across it. He glances in, then shoves the junk aside with a scowl. “Until then, this is Wyvern Q. Almostdragon, sssigning o-”

 

The news cameras suddenly cut out, with the words “Inadequate Film Reel” flashing in red across a blank background. A “Happy Mother’s Day” scrolls across the screen at a lightning quick speed before everything flickers to black.