The Almost Report Almost Tests Almost a Test Report

[Wyvern]

A wave of static crosses over the screen before a tri-colored “stand-by” frame kicks in, buying time while a faint high-pitched sound drones away in the background. Another bout of static flashes over the screen before the news cameras flicker on in black and white “recovery” mode, with a little timer flashing seconds in the lower right-hand corner of the lens. The cameras focus on the blacks and whites of what could very well be CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, though the lack of bright colors and clutter of odd objects put the location into question. Various models of reclining chairs and lounging mats surround a bed covered in different bags of catnip and thick yarn sweaters, along with a couple of sparkler pompoms and a tail bow or two. On the night-counter next to the bed is a selection of shot-glasses filled with different shades of liquid, most probably alcoholic given the rectangular shapes of the label-less bottles next to them. The cameras pan over a section of Almost Dragonic Brand Products in the corner, consisting mostly of different styles of combs, before turning to the sound of Wyvern’s voice.

 

“YAAARRRGH!”

 

Wyvern flies through the air and crashes straight into the cameras, resulting in another bout of static and another tri-color “stand-by” screen. A little off-key kazoo plays elevator music in the background until the screen has been restored, once again in black and white with a timer. Wyvern taps on one of the camera lenses, adjusting his horn-accomodating hardhat and hissing at it to make sure the sound’s working.

 

“Tessssting. 1, 2, 4, 3.” Wyvern backs away from the cameras, revealing his crash test dummy bodysuit and tin wing collision shields. While hardly a combo worthy of an official Almost Report, the outfit more than serves its purpose for almost a test of an almost test report. “Right, we need to work on that ‘catapult’ function on the Almost Dragonic Brand Viking Recliner.™ As it ssstands, it ain’t gonna make for a very relaxing grooming chair that's for sure. Lil’ behind ssschedule here, where’re the fur softenersss at? Oh! Mark down, for Aardvark’s birthday – stone cupcake shower from Almost Dragonic Brand Viking Recliners™, brutal and direct (+15).”

 

Several troglyodytes decked out in lab coats trail behind Wyvern as he yammers on, jotting down notes frantically on their tiny pads. Wyvern wobbles his way over to the test shot glass counter as he speaks, still a little dazed over his crash landing and trying to maintain his composure.

 

“If we’re gonna tessst this almost a test Report, we’re gonna need to work on the ssspeed of the furniture positioning… hop to! Oh, and for Gwaihir’s belated birthday, we’re gonna also need some kinda wiggly cabbage in a prominent position.” Wyvern taps his tail stinger on the floor and downs a shot of one of the darker shaded liquids. “Though then again, we could jussst speed test a couple of wiggly cabbage coats (leafs?) of arms instead to sssatisfy Valdar’s longing for shiny birthday trinkets. Decisionssss, decisionssss…”

 

Wyvern scoops up a shot glass in each claw and downs both of the liquids simultaneously, his eyes spinning for a moment as the combination proves to be potent. A kitten minion dangling from the overgrown lizard’s crash test dummy utility belt mewls unhappily and writhes about, attempting to scratch off the “test kitten” tag attached to its ear.

 

“Let’sss seee, what else can we add to this tessst Report to increassse the chance of cheerline appeal? Sssome kinda poetic opener might be in order in honor o’ Mira’s birthday… a limerick for Almost Dragonic Brand Hairball Removal Tongue Combs™ perhapssss?” Wyvern snatches up a bottle of one of the darker liquids to put it to a more thorough guzzling test. “Freya B and purple shadows alssso deserve some Pen birthday propsss, we should run some tesssts against their respective repertoires. And hey, could we get sssome color in the monitorsss pleassse? Time to put thisss set-up to the almost test. “

 

The screen flickers for a moment before the extremely bright and jarring colors of the room and Wyvern’s neon yellow dummy suit flash into focus, the color contrast temporarily blinding most viewers…