The Almost Report Figures Wyvern Doesn't Get Any Action

[Wyvern]

The news cameras slowly fade in to CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which has been decorated with framed pictures of different pennites accompanied by descriptive placards that list that pennite's notable commentaries. The pictures are surrounded by unveiled velvet curtains, and the occasional bronze or silver medal is tacked adjacent to the placards. A red carpet stretches around the room in a square formation, leading one along the display of pennite accomplishments. A series of prosthetic limbs have also been mounted to act as directional arrows for the exhibit.

 

“Hung too high. Hung too low. Hung too crooked. Too long a placard. Too expenssssive a medal (here, lemme take that).”

 

Wyvern lifts his snout from his check-sheet as he spots the cameras, ignoring the growls of the cerbihuahua that continues to cling to his tail stinger. The overgrown lizard slides his little sheet and new medal into the front pocket of his long-sleeved flannel shirt, which would have fallen into the “formal” category had it not been for the variety of three-headed dog-related tears and open scale scratches across its fabric. The reptilian reporter’s tan breeches are also riddled with teeth markings, and his borrowed pair of black suede shoes squish with the wet sound of dog drool as he walks. Wyvern clears his throat and adjusts his velvet bow tie, the one item untainted by CheerMynx’s April Fool’s gift, before clapping his claws at the cameras.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to a ssspecial critical feedback appreciation episode of the Almost Report.” Wyvern grins and waves his claws around at the different pictures, ripping an open shirt tear near his armpit in the process. “Join usss as we honor various pennites who have provided us with ample feedback over the years, all while critiquing their different approa-“

 

“Wyvern Q. Almostdragon?”

 

Wyvern pauses and turns at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. He raises a brow as he finds three high-elves dressed in green hiking gear and carrying an array of art equipment under their arms standing behind him. The black-bearded leader of the group clears his throat, then marches forward and grabs one of Wyvern’s claws, shaking it vigorously.

 

“Elvanus Mirweather. These are my associates, Darla Shesburrough and Jim Valleyprod. We’re here representing Brimwood Toys & Arrows, on account of a new line of Almost Report action figures we’ve been commissioned to design.” Elvanus hands Wyvern his card. “We were wondering if you’d mind taking a moment to let us sketch you for the Wyvern figure still in development?”

 

“Errrr…” Wyvern glances down at the card, then at the cameras and confused troglyodytes, then back at the card again. “I uhhh, I guess… I mean…”

 

“Great!” Elvanus pulls back as Darla and Jim set up their art equipment, squaring his hands to get a frame of Wyvern’s face. “Please, continue.”

 

“O-O.K.” Wyvern nervously brushes his claws down his shirt, accidentally widening some of its holes in the process. “Uhhh, ssso critical feedback. Yeeeaaah. First off, I’d like to wish a belated happy birthday to reverie, who has supplied the Pen with a great deal of-“

 

“Mr. Wyvern, sir?” Jim Valleyprod lowers his sketchpad for a moment and stares at the lizard while tapping his quill. “If you could please refrain from any type of movement while you’re reporting, it would really help us capture a good impression of you.”

 

“Oh, errrr, right…” Wyvern freezes himself in an upright, macho-style position. He glances at the cameras without turning his head, and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Well *ahem* we alssso wanted to point out that Katzaniel has a feedback sign-up sheet in the Critic’s Corner. Which is great for, y’know… feedback.” .

 

Wyvern pauses and strains his eyes to try to get a glance at the pictures that the different high-elves are drawing, with no luck.

 

“Ssssay, outta curiousity… what do you folksss do with rejected action figure limbs? I just asssk cus I’m trying to get my friend Tanuchan a belated birthday gift, and all my spare prosthetic limbs are being used as directional arrows at the moment.”

 

“We generally recycle them and use them for new figures.” Darla speaks in a somewhat cold and calculated tone, though a hint of curiousity seems to flicker in her eyes. “Would you remove your shirt, please?”

 

“Oh, ssssure.” Wyvern begins to tug his shirt off, only to suddenly pause and go a deeper shade of crimson. “W-w-w-wait, w-what?”

 

“Your shirt.” Jim rolls his eyes and taps his quill on a fresh sheet of parchment impatiently, waiting for the lizard to comply. “And your pants. We’ll need them removed so we can get a sketch of you unclothed for the figure.”

 

“B-b-but…” Wyvern hesitates and almost slinks back a little before remembering the important of standing still, growing steadily redder over the prospect of undressing. It was bad enough having Darla and the others observing him, but CheerMynx was bound to arrive at any moment, giggles and all. The reptilian reporter gulped and tugged at his shirt collar, tearing it off in the process. “Ummm… j-j-jussst g-gimme a minute, m-maybe?”

[CheerMynx]

"Wyvie?"

 

Backing away nervously from the high-elves, Wyvern couldn't have been more relieved for the distraction of his Almost Intern as she turned up on set.

 

Today the cheerline was dressed to the nines in the style that can only really be described as 'high class business woman'. Or perhaps cougar. The cream, silky pants-suit blended perfectly with CheerMynx's fur and clung in all the right places as she moved. Although it was obvious from the low cut that the cheerline wasn't wearing a blouse underneath her blazer, the securely buttoned jacket gave nothing away.

 

Wyvern was too being disappointed by this fact to consider the irony in his own unwillingness to bare himself to the high-elves.

 

"Wyvie, I like totally need to talk to you about- oh! Elvanus you're here already!"

"Dar-ling!" Elvanus smiled at CheerMynx and hugged her. "My favourite client! Tell me, how are the prototype dolls coming along?"

 

"Oh they're, like, so awesome Elvy!" CheerMynx enthused excitedly. "In fact I was totally wanting to talk with you about expanding the wardrobe range? I've got a publicity meeting next week and I like thought we should try and come up with some more options. I have some designs here already!" the cheerline offered the clipboard she was holding in her paws for Elvanus to look at."

 

Still being somewhat cornered by Darla and Jim, Wyvern craned his neck to try and see if CheerMynx was using any of his personal favourites from her wardrobe in her designs, although once again to no avail.

 

"These look fabulous, my dear," Elvanus smiled at CheerMynx. "If you'll just let us finish taking your...er...co-worker's measurements I'd be delighted to go over them with you."

At the mention of Wyvern, CheerMynx looked up to see him now almost cowering in the corner.

 

"Like, gee, Wyvie? What's the problem?" She tilted her head in confusion.

"We're trying to get him out of these clothes for the figure outline, Miss," Jim tried to keep the exasperation out of his voice. "He appears to be a bit...shy."

 

Realisation dawned, and CheerMynx put a paw to her face to cover her giggle.

"It's okay, Wyvie," she encouraged. "These guys are like real professional. I didn't have a problem with the measurement session at all!"

 

Still smiling - although not unkindly, the Almost Dragon noticed with relief - CheerMynx continued:

"Would it, like, help if I left and gave you all some space?"

[Wyvern]

“Shhhy?” Wyvern huffs and sticks his chin up, clearly a little jealous over the familiar bond that’s developed between CheerMynx and “Elvy”… or perhaps peeved over the tone of Jim’s voice and wanting to show-off his manliness. The overgrown lizard reaches down and attempts to toss his shirt off in an over-enthusiastic fling, accidentally ripping the torn fabric completely in half in the process. The halves of the pricey flannel shirt flop fashionlessly to the ground. “I’ll give you shy! Jussst get thossse paintbrushes ready and try to keep up with me here.”

 

Wyvern curves his wings and poses by puffing up his chest as much as he can, oblivious to Jim’s complaints about not holding still. He smirks as he reaches down for his belt buckle, and fiddles with it a second before realizing the full affect that CheerMynx’s ensemble has had on him and the general region of his pants. Wyvern starts hesitating again, growing redder by the second over the awkward timing of it all... plus CheerMynx’s breast line wasn’t helping the lizard concentrate any either.

 

“Errr, a-actually, th-thisss might not be the besssst time y’know? I mean, m-maybe we could…”

 

“Please darling, perhaps giving us a bit of space would be a good idea for now.” Elvanus waves off CheerMynx with the kindest of gestures. “I’ll just finish the sketching here and then join you to discuss the wardrobe in a bit.”

 

“H-hey, w-wait a minute.” Wyvern’s eyes remain glued on CheerMynx as she begins wandering off, a drop of blood falling from his snout as he watches the way her pants-suit clings to her rear. “I uuuhh, I w-wasssn’t finished looking at that.”

 

“Mr. Wyvern.” Darla taps her fingers over her sketch pad. “We would appreciate it if you would just-”

 

“I’m tellin’ you, thissss ain’t the bessst time!” Wyvern speaks in a half-hushed tone, lowering his claws defensively over the front of his pants as he casts a final glance over in CheerMynx’s direction. “C-can’t we jussst reschedule for a studio sessssion or somethin'? I mean, the cameras’re still rolling.”

 

Elvanus opens his mouth to respond, only to freeze with a confused expression on his face as the April Fool’s cerbihuahua attached to Wyvern’s tail slowly transforms back into its original kitten minion form. The formerly enchanted kitten shakes its head a little before mewling and wandering off in search of some warm milk.

 

“Oh great. Just great!” Jim tears at his hair and sweeps the sketches of Wyvern’s tail stinger from his table, cursing all the while. “I better be getting paid overtime for this.”