The Almost Report Isn't Fooling Any Felines

[Wyvern]

The news cameras fade in to a mounted display of several complex diagrams scribbled over wide sheets of construction paper, which rest next to a counter holding a variety of Almost Dragonic Brand novelty gag items. An Almost Dragonic Brand Electronic Woop E-Cushion™ is crammed next to an Almost Dragonic Brand Fake Superglue-Infused Mustache™ and a set of Almost Dragonic Brand Spoof S&M Handcuffs™ (with complimentary mini-whip). The cameras pan out a bit to reveal the locale of Cole and Mordekai’s Pen quarters - also rumored to be the Pen home of smallscale mind games. The duality of the living room chamber is immediately apparent in the split wall paper and furniture designs, with Mordekai’s classy choices of paintings and pottery conflicting with Cole’s extravagant dancing elf wallpaper on the opposite end. The position of the Report’s gag items and construction paper at the dividing line of the room almost makes it feel like another Almost Dragonic Product induced civil war…

 

“Greetingssss. Welcome to the *grunt* Almost Report.”

 

The cameras turn and follow Wyvern as he squeezes his way out of a wardrobe closet, the disappointed look on his snout suggesting that he didn’t find any of Elisa Cavalier’s clothes in there. The outfit that the overgrown lizard wears seems to compliment the duality of the room he’s broadcasting from, with his coat and hat best described as a cross between a protective lab suit and a jester’s outfit. The white coat pressed to his scales has been re-painted in messy strokes of purple and silver, and latex gloves with jester bells dangling from the fingers top both of the lizard’s horns. Wyvern runs a claw over his utility pouch belt and pulls out a portable microscope, examining it as he continues.

 

“We’re reporting to you live from smallscale mind games’ quarters this evening in an exclusive look at some of the projectsss Almost Dragonic Inc. has in store for this April Fool’s.” Wyvern strikes a toothy grin and winks, spreading his claws as he approaches the various diagrams and gag counter. “We realize that knowing some of these jokesss before-hand kind of defeats the purpossse… but I guess you can just blame any spoilersss on vanity!”

 

Wyvern grins and sticks his snout up with pride as he rubs a claw over his chest, basking in the thought of being the Pen’s top practical joker. The overgrown lizard sets about shuffling through the various gag items and pairing them with their appropriate diagrams, hissing all the while.

 

“Lesssee here… for Tamaranis’ B-day we got a vial of curly onion cheese doodle sauce with red food coloring, though I think there may actually be some blood in the ingredients of the sauce as well.” Wyvern rolls the vial up in the scheming sheet associated with it and stuffs it into his pocket. “Then, we’ve got this used Almost Dragonic Brand Cardboard Anti-Paladin Shield™ which we’re gonna switch with Ordolar’s shield for a day, and a special brand of Gryphon Feather Ticklers ideal for tickling Gryphon’s feathers. Happy birthday wishes going out to the two of you, by the way.”

 

Wyvern snickers at the thought of the reactions to his various joke traps, and digs back through his paperwork until he finds a slip of paper labeled “CM.” He snickers even louder and rubs his claws together, reading over the small sheet for accuracy.

 

“Asss for CheerMynx, let’sss just say that pretending that the Almost Intern Fashion Fund is being withdrawn due to budgetary constraintsss should throw her for a loop. Unless Curious Mylo gets too curious and finds out about the joke beforehand, of course.” Wyvern twists his snout and taps his claws over the counter-top at the thought, his tail stinger digging into Mordekai’s rug. “Perhaps I should requessst Feedback from Katzaniel to help with the scheming? Couldn’t hurt I suppossse, hmmm…”

[CheerMynx]

The Almost Dragon was disrupted from his scheming by a cackle reminiscent of Mark Hamil's Joker.

With an explosion of confetti, CheerMynx burst into the room, clad in a tighter-than-skin-tight jester's costume designed in the guise of Harley Quinn.

 

"April Fools!" the cheerline crowed as she bounded excitedly around the room, letting off miniature fire crackers, party poppers, and exploding bags of glitter, soon filling the room with smoke, crepe paper, strings, and glitter.

Coming to a halt in front of Wyvern, CheerMynx grinned with a kind of excited glee that was almost evil. Slung over one shoulder was a gigantic Bag-O-Trix that made Wyvern itch to see what interesting toys were hidden inside.

 

"So! Like, do you want your birthday present (ohmygawdWyvieI'mlikesosorryit'slate) or your...other present first?"

Suspicion ignored in favour of receiving any kind of gift from CheerMynx, Wyvern brightened eagerly at the thought.

"Er...birthday!" He decided, taking the time CheerMynx spent rummaging in her Bag-O-Trix to try and figure out how she had gotten into such a tight costume...bodypaint maybe?

 

"Here!" The cheerline produced a golden wrapped box with a flourish. Snatching the present from her, Wyvern tore into the glittering paper eagerly. Pulling the present out from the tangle of ribbon and paper, the Almost Dragon blinked for a moment at the figure in his hand.

 

A six-inch CheerMynx 'action figure' grinned back at him. Outfitted in her standard cheering outfit and with a pompom clutched in each paw, the workmanship was somewhat remarkable for what amounted to a doll.

"Like, do you like it? I totally thought we could do like a marketing thing with them! I've got some guys working on a doll for you too but it like kept bursting into flames? Anyway, whaddaya think? It's totally fully poseable too!"

 

Missing the expression on Wyvern's face at that last comment, CheerMynx dove back into her Bag-O-Trix once more.

"Aaaaaaand here's something else for you!" Before the Almost Dragon could blink, a worringly familiar bundle of fur was shoved into his hands. Looking down at the cerbihuahua he was holding, Wyvern only had a moment of relief that it wasn't Cerby, before the three heads looked up at him and bared their teeth.

 

"I like, totally figured that since you and Cerby get along so well then you'd like totally love one of your own!"

Grinning, CheerMynx giggled and swung the Bag-O-Trix back over her shoulder once more.

"So! Like, whaddaya think?"

[Wyvern]

“I think…” Wyvern’s eyes drift from his various gifts and fall back on the extra-smooth curves of CheerMynx’s jester suit, following the reflections of light as they dance their way across the tightness of her outfit. “… that I’m gonna have to brush up on my ‘sssslap stick’ humor a bit later.”

 

CheerMynx raises a brow and places a paw on her red latexed hip, giggling a little as Wyvern’s eyes seem to follow the little taps of her fingers.

 

“Like, what’re you talking about Wyvie? I mean waddaya think of the gifts silly!”

 

“Oh, you mean thessse?” Wyvern lifts the two items, holding the action figure in one claw while the cerbihuahua clings from his other claw via its teeth. Though the excitement of the doll is lessened by the presence of the new three-headed mut gnawing on his scales, Wyvern never the less snaps back into a huge appreciative grin. “Love’em! Thanksss a bunch CheerMynxie, you’re the best!”

 

Wyvern moves in for a prolonged hug, his motive split between showing CheerMynx his appreciation and testing to see if her outfit really consisted of bodypaint or not. He curses as the newly acquired cerbihuahua somehow manages to wriggle its way into blocking any open signs of affection, growling all the while. Wyvern stares at CheerMynx with a look of longing that conveys his would-be affection, then decides to settle for the next best thing…

 

“Well, I must say, they certainly did a great job desssigning this action figure. It’s quite a fine representation.” Wyvern brushes his snout against the doll’s fur, his tail curling slightly when he finds that it even carries a trace of the cheerline's scent… possibly from her carrying it around with her things, but intriguing never the less. “I can’t wait to take it to my room and undress- errr, I mean test the pose- uhhhhh… prrrractice Almost Report dialogue with it?”

 

Wyvern strikes as innocent a grin as he can muster while trying to shake the new cerbihuahua away, preferably before it can get any slobber on the toy’s pristine fur...