The Almost Report Has Gotta Get That Paper

[Wyvern]

The news cameras tune in to a backdrop of pitch blackness, with only the ominous sounds of rustling paperwork giving some sense of the Report’s location in the background. The darkness is quickly lifted, however, as a webbed hand pulls the scrap of scheming paper from the camera lens to reveal a wide shot of Wyvern’s mess of a Recruiter’s Office. If anything, the reptilian Elder’s stomping grounds look even more cluttered and haphazard than usual for the broadcast, with papers of all shapes and sizes covering the floor and piling up in the occasional towering mound. The cameras shift through the paper in jerky motions until they arrive at a deep pool of smut magazines and “Geld Lover’s Anonymuse,” scanning the area for a certain almost dragonic reporter. A concerned murmer rises amongst troglyodytes in the background as Wyvern is nowhere to be found in his favorite Office recreational spot, but the sound of a mountain of old Pen applications collapsing alerts the news crew of the lizard’s presence before any show delay screens flash on. The camera crew moves through the slippery paperwork as quickly as possible to Wyvern’s location, picking up a number of dated sticky-note paper scraps along the way.

 

“It’sssss gotta be here somewhere!”

 

Wyvern digs through a few more papers before scratching his horns and lifting himself to his feet, the paperwork covering his scales complimenting the distraught expression written over his out-of-joint snout. Open outdated Pen newsletters spattered with red ink cover whatever clothes the overgrown lizard might have been wearing on his chest, with a collection of crumpled scheme sheets acting as shoulder and wing guards. A small number of the lizard’s abdomen scales are visible prior to the tightly woven entertainment mags that seem to make up his pants, including an explicit pin-up or two tagged over the reptilian reporter’s rear. The floppy sheets of paper stuck on Wyvern’s right horn complete a combo that gives the lizard the appearance of a Construction Paper Golem that’s past its prime.

 

“Where could I have possssibly put it?”

 

Wyvern tosses papers left and right and breaths a sigh, only to pause as he notices the news cameras. He lifts a claw to them without so much as attempting a sneer, setting right back to searching through the countless number of papers on the floor.

 

“Welcome to the latesssst Almost Report and all that jazz.” Wyvern continues leafing through papers as he speaks, eyes still focused on his search at hand. The overgrown lizard hisses in frustration and sweeps his current stack aside, hopping to his feet and scrambling back over to his Recruiter’s desk. “Maybe I missssed it here? Can’t believe it’sss not turning up…”

 

Wyvern digs through his desktop, clearing off the empty bottles of Bruteweiser and carefully moving his framed pictures of Yui and Mynx to the side before tearing through the stacks of paperwork that clutter it. The overgrown lizard opens one drawer after another in a mounting frantic-ness until a troglyodyte clears his throat in the background and points at the camera.

 

“Oh, right, newsss.” Wyvern straightens his composure and flattens a few of the crumpled scheme sheets on his shoulders. He nods towards the cameras while continuing to sort through papers absent-mindedly. “In birthday newsss, a happy belated goesss out to Merelas, who celebrated last week and will be receiving a complimentary Almost Dragonic Brand Fire Out-of-Place™ in the mail. Hopefully, it’ll arrive before Snypiuer’s omen 28 weeks later.”

 

Wyvern pauses to dig through his desk papers a bit more, and pulls out an entire drawer before turning back to the cameras with desperation in his beady eyes.

 

“In more urgent Pen newsss, an emergency situation has arisen at the Almost Report as a preciousss piece of paper has gone missing” Wyvern takes a deep breath and taps his tail on the ground in the hopes of maintaining his composure, his lower lip trembling a bit. “The paper in quessstion was a voucher addressed from CheerMynx, which entitled me to one free cheer or dance from the Almost Intern herself. I believe the dance in quessstion was gonna be X-rated but then Mynx changed it to R-rated or sssomething along thossse lines. I think it was last seen before the chaos of the Almost Report’s 100th episssode, and has sssince gone missing. If anyone can find the voucher and return it to me, they’ll be handsssomely rewarded with an Almost Report plug, a share of the Almost Intern Fashion Fund, and possssibly a free cerbihuahua. Your help in the matter is greatly appreciated!”

 

With that, Wyvern sets about considering which part of the Recruiter’s Office to search next, scratching his rear and accidentally tearing through some of the magazines covering it in the process.

[CheerMynx]

"Wyvie?" The cheerline's voice carried an air of bewilderment with it this week, as she hesitantly made her way through the mess. "Like, where are you?"

Head buried in another stack of papers, Wyvern was only able to grunt distractedly as CheerMynx eventually stumbled across him.

"Like, what are you doing, Wyvie?"

 

Pulling his head out from the stack, Wyvern turned to answer CheerMynx (or at least think of a suitable lie), before he noticed her outfit. Dressed in a corporate suit several inches too small in all directions, with her hair up in a bun and glasses perched on her nose, the cheerline looked like the lead in an adult film about librarians. Cerby was mercifully absent from her paws, although faint growls and tearing noises in a corner of the room suggested the cerbihuahua had found a new hobby for now.

 

Noticing his gaped expression, CheerMynx did a twirl. "Like, what do you think? You said to meet you in your office so I thought it was like a clerical theme? Although, like, now..." the cheerline trailed off, looking dubiously at Wyvern's paper attire.

 

Coughing nervously, Wyvern tried to think of an adequate excuse.

"I wass...er...looking for sssomething?"

"Oh! Like a scavenger hunt?" CheerMynx brightened at the thought. "Like, what're the items?"

"Jusst one, actually..." Wyvern coughed. "I'm not sssure if you remember, CheerMynxy but you gave me a voucher a while back that I believe entitled me to a dansssce."

 

CheerMynx frowned and tilted her head.

"You mean the one you redeems a few weeks ago?"

Wyvern's expression resembled one of someone who'd been slapped in the face with a wet fish.

"Wh-what? No I didn't!"

 

"Like, ya huh! I totally did the dance of the seven veils for you, remember?" CheerMynx tossed her head and began to rummage through her purse, eventually succeeding with presenting the piece of paper in question.

Scrawled over the voucher in familiar (and very pink) handwriting was the word: Redeemed

[Wyvern]

Wyvern’s lower lip trembles as he glances over the redeemed voucher, his scales drooping as he suddenly realizes that CheerMynx’s 100th episode dance may not have been as impulsive or whimsical as he’d thought. He glances back and forth between the voucher and the several inches missing from CheerMynx’s suit collar, then pauses to focus on the voucher in question and stammers.

 

“B-b-but, I- I didn’t- the ssscript- there wasn’t- didn’t video- and Cerby-“

 

Wyvern raises a claw to try to make a little more sense to his still-dubious Almost Intern, but promptly gives up when he fails to find the words to adequately express his disappointment. Instead, the overgrown lizard huffs a sigh and hands the redeemed voucher to a troglyodyte on hand, whispering something into the underling’s ear before turning back to the cheerline with a slightly less despairing expression.

 

“Th-then, I mean, how’d you get the sssscript?”

 

“Oh, like there was this ‘Dawgrim’s Reek’ fan who was like, totally in the know y’know? And he had the script for the next episode beforehand, and I totally said I’d treat him to dinner if he let me peek at it. And then, on Valentine’s-“

 

“D-dinner?” Wyvern taps his tail nervously on the ground and rolls his eyes as he considers methods of hissing his way into a new voucher. He clears his throat and twists his snout in an attempt to avoid any overt jealousy. “V-Valentine’sss? Lisssten, wasn’t there some clause in the voucher that said that it could be re-used if the dance performance was interrupted? Like, sssay by a set of cerbihuahua teeth…?”

 

CheerMynx raises a paw to her chin and considers, only to vigorously shake her head.

 

“Nope, it was like a totally straightforward one dance voucher.”

 

Wyvern grumbles to himself and stares down at the stacks of old scheme sheets gathered around his feet. He suddenly brightens up, however, as the troglyodyte who he’d given the redeemed voucher to returns with two sheets of paper. Wyvern grins broadly and pockets the old voucher as a memento of his crotch injury, then holds up the second sheet of paper with a devious look in his eyes.

 

“Eheheheh… Well, it’sss a good thing I always keep a spare voucher on hand.” Wyvern barely manages to contain himself as he hands the new duplicate dance voucher to his Almost Intern. “Sssee?”

 

“Hmm?” CheerMynx adjusts the glasses on her nose as she glances down at the new voucher. She frowns and stares at Wyvern with an apologetic expression as she hands it back to him. “Awww, I’m sorry Wyvie, but it looks like this one’s been redeemed as well.”

 

Wyvern’s face goes blank as he notices the accuracy of the voucher duplicate, complete with the little pink “Redeemed” written in the corner. The overgrown lizard casts an angry glance at the troglyodyte he’d assigned the copying to, then tosses the voucher over his shoulder and wanders off to find a corner to sulk in.