The Almost Reports Acts Even More Impish Than Usual

[Wyvern]

The news cameras slowly adjust their lenses to adapt to the magical lighting of this week’s quarters, focusing in on the dark stones and mortar that make up the floor and walls of an archaic spell resource chamber. Fine oak tables and wide stone shelves display a large number of vials and pouches best left to professional sorcerer use, and a blue everlasting flame roars away within a fireplace that bears some resemblance to a meaner, yawning cousin of Wyvern. One of the quirkiest and most focused on elements of the chamber is the wide variety of tiny hanging cages, which dangle in clusters from ceiling hooks and each bear their own unique shape and size. The cameras move past a large empty iron cauldron and just barely make out the “property of cryptomancer” tag on a spell parchment before a claw pulls them in the opposite direction.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report’sss latest sssponsored service: Almost Dragonic Brand Familiar-Finding for Magi!™”

 

The cameras wobble back and forth for a moment before getting a clear shot of Wyvern, who is dressed in an ornate purple warlock cloak with different designs of wyverns looting geld doodled across it. Amulets with rubies made from crystallized sugar dot the lizards horns and wrists, giving him the look of a high magician with a serious sweet tooth. Wyvern grunts and pulls on his tail until he manages to gather up his stinger, which is weighted down by a large amount of paperwork that’s been pierced through it. The reptilian reporter flips through the documents found there idly before dropping his stinger back down with a resounding thud that sends a slight tremor through the chamber’s floor stones. He waits till his resulting grimace has passed, then turns back to the cameras with a forced half-grin.

 

“Let’sss move right on to today’sss familiars shall we?” Wyvern turns with a toss of his cloak and a lug of his tail stinger, waving a claw over the tiny cages on display. “Ah, the faithful imp! The ssstaple of any fledgling magician’s arsssenal of familiars. Whether it be light or dark, broad or slinky, expensive or ultra-expensive, there are imps available for every type of spell-caster! Better get thossse crystal balls ready, cus’ the impsss we have on display for you today are gonna blow yer pointy little mage caps back.”

 

Wyvern grins and strikes a claws-up to the cameras as “1-900-WYIMP” flashes across the screen three times in block red letters. He pulls out a spare candy ruby and gnaws on it for a moment, then gestures to the cameras as he approaches the first of many cages.

 

“Take thisss fine specimen for example. Sneik the Lock Imp is a fine companion for any mage who uses illusions to get the thievery done. He’s great at picking those extra tough locks, and can pickpocket with the best of-” Wyvern pauses and frowns as he notices that the silver cage that previously held Sneik is empty, with the mini-gate open and the full proof lock missing. The overgrown lizard grunts and instinctively checks his pockets for any lost geld, then signals to a few troglyodytes on stand-by. “Sssearch the premises, Imp Alert Yellow.”

 

Wyvern turns back to the cameras with a nervous grin and claps his claws together as the incantation number flashes by the screen again.

 

“Eheheheh, sssorry about that folksss. Moving right along here, Zipfreed the Plain Walkin Imp is a familiar of the higher magical variety, with a price tag to match of course! His smarts are only complimented by his knowledge of over sixteen magical tomes, and his unmatched ability to planewalk and travel betwee-“ Wyvern freezes up again, his eyes going wide when he finds Zipfreed’s cage empty, with the lock still on and the gate still shut. It actually takes the reptilian reporter a second to consider how he might have vanished. “*Ahem!* Imp Alert Orange.”

 

Wyvern chokes out a nervous laugh as the number for Almost Dragonic Brand Familiar-Finding for Magi™ flashes by several more times, drilling the service associated to the current predicament in.

 

“L-let’sss take a look at our next imp here. Chubchub the Glut Imp is a big favorite amongst mages whose appetites run as deep as their spell booksss. If yer looking to diet a little and those ‘grow slim’ enchantments haven’t been doing their job, Chubchub will make sssure you get slightly less food with each mea-“ Wyvern crunches down on the candy ruby in his mouth as he finds yet another empty cage, this one with a hole through the bars in the shape of a bite-mark. “Errr. Imp Alert Red. I repeat, Imp Alert Red!”

 

Wyvern huffs to himself and runs a claw over his forehead as troglyodytes with nets dash past him left and right, almost running into one another in their desperate search for escapee imps. The overgrown lizard watches the mayhem for a moment as the 1-900 number flashes eight more times, then turns back to the cameras with a persistant salesman grin.

 

“Of courssse, if you haven’t been sssold on the merits of Almost Dragonic Brand Familiar-Finding for Magi™ yet, pleassse let our gorgeous celebrity Almost Intern do all the convincing for you…”

[Kikuyu_Black_Paws]

The Almost Dragon whirled as he felt breath hot on the back of his neck. Kikuyu was standing close enough to press her nose very threateningly against his, which she did.

 

"K-Kikuyu! Where did you come fro--"

 

"Wyvern," Kikuyu said in a very, very calm voice. "I thought I'd find you here." Her eyes slid over the empty cages and back up to Wyvern's face. "Might I ask: can you explain this to me with your wide expanse of knowledge?"

 

Wyvern's eyes crossed as she held an object right between them. Her wallet-- it was empty. Completely. Utterly. Empty.

 

"And this."

 

Another object pressed too close to his line of sight. Wyvern's head was starting to hurt. Sweat rolled down his brow as he squinted at the second offense. Two quick-shot photos of Kikuyu charging towards the holder of the camera, only to catch last second a shower of plane-phazing sparks and her enraged expression.

 

"And of course, lastly, this." A long, sharp kunai was pressed against Wyvern's nose. With a big chomp out of it.

 

"I'm sure you have a very interesting, perfectly logical explanation about how this isn't your fault. Don't you?" Her voice could have flatlined a hospital patient just by listening to it.

 

"W-well..."

[CheerMynx]

"Wyvie?"

Distracted, Wyvern and Kikuyu both looked up as CheerMynx entered the room. Taking full advantage of the imp theme, the cheerline was dressed like a classic cartoon imp: Tight, red bodysuit, forked tail, and devil horns. In one paw she clutched Cerby - looking less than pleased with devil horns tied to each head - and in the other she held a short, plastic pitchfork.

 

"Like, I need to ask you about the theme this week! I totally went to wardrobe and they said this was like impish but it's also like kinda devil-like and isn't there some sort of difference? I dunno, like, whaddaya think?"

CheerMynx did a twirl to show off her outfit, before she noticed the Almost Dragon in the grips of Kikuyu.

 

"Oh! Like ohmygod I'm so sorry I didn't mean to interrupt!" Frowning slightly as she paused to try and think what exactly it was that she was interrupting, CheerMynx shook her head to clear it and continued.

"Um, like, should I go and give you two some....privacy?"

[Wyvern]

Wyvern bites his lip and glances back and forth nervously, his schemer brain in a spin over the sheer number of disasters and enticements needing to be dealt with at once. The overgrown lizard scratches an amulet of off one of his horns as he thinks, then raises a claw and answers:

 

“Y-y-yeah, maybe…?” Wyvern freezes when he notices CheerMynx’s arched eyebrow and twisted nose reaction. He fumbles with the Kikuyu photographs and empty wallet in his claws, suddenly realizing what the Almost Intern might have been implying. “I-I mean no! That is you can ssstay… I think?”

 

Wyvern’s eyes trail back over to Kikuyu, who seems none too pleased with the implication added on top of her various imp-related annoyances. The ninja presses the remains of her kunai closer to Wyvern’s throat, which fails to be much of a threat due to the edge removed from the imp bite.

 

“Uhhh, Wyvern?”

 

All three parties turn their heads to Slinky, who is wearing a mini blue apprentice mage cloak and has a worried look over his reptilian face. The troglyodyte make-up artist cocks a webbed thumb back in the direction of the imp cage.

 

“This uhhh probably isn’t the best time to mention this, but it looks like Fleswarp the Shifter Imp of Many Shapes has also escaped from his confines…”

 

“Oh great.” Wyvern grumbles and shuffles his way out of Kikuyu’s grasp with an apologetic smirk, continuing to pay little attention to CheerMynx’s attire much to the Almost Intern’s dismay. “Imp Alert Ultra-Violet! Ssseal the exitsss, ssscout the adjacent hallways and pennite quarters! These sorry excuses for mage familiars can’t be far.”

 

With that, Wyvern wanders off while barking orders to various troglyodytes, oblivious to the carbon copy of Cerby wandering across the floor and heading towards the back exit.