The Almost Report Poeticizes in Sizes too Small

[Wyvern]

A small veil of roses is lifted from the front of the news cameras, revealing a mounted vase of the same roses bunched together to resemble a heart… or perhaps a giant heart candy, given the way that the words “Be my sweet heart” have been painted over the top of the bouquet in an obnoxious geld-tinted font. The cameras move away from the flowers to get a better view of Rhapsody’s personal Pen lounging quarters, which (while unattended) have been refurbished to further fit the Valentine’s theme of the Report. The comfy lounge chairs and wide open couch have been decked out with more heart-shaped pillows than you can shake a hefty bra at, and a ragged beaver fur rug is laid out in what might have otherwise been a romantic make-out spot. An Almost Dragonic Brand Beaver Den Fireplace™ crackles away in the background, giving the room less of a moody hue than the lighting crew might have been hoping for. The news cameras pan past a heart-shaped dish with doggy treats set up as a cerbihuahua distraction before focusing on Wyvern, who paces back and forth with a nervous look on his face. The light red bath robe that the lizard is wearing flutters as he swings his tail back and forth, briefly revealing a scale-tight waterproof body suit hidden underneath. The bath robe also hides a copious number of bandages covering the lizard’s nether regions; a souvenir from last week’s show that makes the reptilian reporter appear rather well-endowed so long as the bandages are hidden. Wyvern pulls his bath robe down to hide the “In case of bathing emergencies” tag on his hidden bodysuit, then gnashes on the red rose held between his teeth as he stares at the sheet that he’s holding and mumbles a few lines.

 

“Tiger, tiger. Dress… no, no.” Wyvern switches from the deep baritone hiss he was using to a sweeter pansy-ish voice. “Stripes a sight of… nawww, that’sss no good.”

 

Wyvern sighs and continues to test voices and intonations as the cameras zoom in on the sheet that he’s holding, which appears to be addressed “Valentine for CheerMynx.” The writing on the paper reads:

 

Tiger tiger, dressing light

Stripes a sight of heart’s delight.

What amount of geld or guys

has fame bestowed upon thee?

 

And yet you stay, always here.

Almost Intern, always near

Almost all that I hold dear

Valentine: be mine this year.

 

“Hey! What’re you lookin at?” Wyvern turns and lifts a claw at the news cameras, only to suddenly realize that they’re officially recording. “Y-you mean we’re already on?! B-b-but I ssstill need to practice, I’ll never read it right!”

 

A troglyodyte wearing a toga similar to that of cupid briefly steps into the scene and mutters something to Wyvern, pointing at a cue card before exiting stage right. The overgrown lizard stares at the cameras with a phony grin and forces a nervous laugh before continuing.

 

“I uh, what I meant to sssay was, welcome to the Almost Report!” Wyvern continues practicing lines of his poem under his breath between camera takes. “Ssso, how about those February Pen promotionsss eh?! Congratsss to Gravia, Sora Hikari, and Hjolnai for the ‘fame bessstowed upon thee.’ Who knows, maybe there’sss even a match to be made in that line-up? Valentine’sss is ‘always near,’ after all.”

 

Wyvern winks to the cameras and leans back against one of the larger heart pillows, his tail stinger getting lost in a crevice between fabrics. He hisses in as smooth a voice as his reptilian lungs can muster, with a bit of unease still written in his beady eyes.

 

“That’sss right, the Almost Report is here with ‘all that’ you ‘hold dear.’” Wyvern takes a moment to make sure that the neckline of his bath robe is visibly open, though not open enough to reveal his bodysuit. “Thinkin’ of romantic activitiesss for you and your loved one night stand to attend? Why not try the Meet the Almost Reporter Conservatory Ball for a bit ‘of heart’s delight’? Or maybe the latessst in lycanthrope gaming, Werewolf LXII, will fufill ‘Almost all’ your mutual howling needs.”

 

Wyvern flicks his forked tongue in and out in a devilish manner, then shifts his position to the beaver fur rug, laying down on his side in reptilian playboy fashion and facing the cameras. He cringes a little at the prickly feel of the fur against his bath robe, his tail drifting dangerously close to the Almost Dragonic Brand Beaver Den Fireplace™.

 

“Of courssse, you can alssso sweeten your Valentine with a little gift, depending on ‘What amount of geld’ you wanna ssspend.” Wyvern raises a claw and brushes it through the scales on his head to flex his vanity, only to twist his snout and pull his tail back from the fireplace with a jerk. “Venefyxatu’s De(Motivational) Poster booth in the Cabaret isss the perfect opportunity to make that crush of yoursss the poster of their dreams. And don’t forget the important of an accompanying love letter to ssseal the deal.”

 

Wyvern lifts himself from the rug and starts to head over to the rose vase for another Valentine pose, only to freeze as a troglyodyte yells off-set:

 

“CheerMynx in five!”

 

Wyvern chokes up for a moment and quickly pulls his poem back out, speedily rehearsing the lines at a lightning fast pace that only a higher being would be able to follow.

 

“four!”

 

Wyvern paces back and forth nervously, continuing to rehearse the lines but jumbling a few of the words and correcting himself in the process.

 

“three!”

 

Wyvern chatters his teeth over his claws, trying to find an appropriate spot to greet his favorite cheerline from.

 

“two!”

[CheerMynx]

"One!"

 

Wyvern froze and stared at the door, waiting for it to open. Nothing happened.

 

"Er...One!"

 

At first there was silence. Then a faint commotion could be heard outside. Then the commotion grew louder.

In the space of only a few seconds, it sounded like an army was trying to break down Rhapsody's door.

 

Suddenly, the door opened a crack and a somewhat dishevelled CheerMynx slipped inside. Her typical cheerleading outfit had today been redesigned in red and white, with a sequinned, glittery heart over her chest. The purse she was using to carry Cerby in was over-flowing with red envelopes and gifts.

 

Blowing a strand of hair out of her face, CheerMynx giggled and stumbled forward under the weight of her bag. Setting it down on a nearby couch, the bag spilled onto the floor as the cerbihuahua escaped. Shaking confetti out of its fur, the two male heads promptly noticed the doggy treats, racing over to gobble up the food and fight each other (much to the female head's disdain).

 

"Like, ohmygod Wyvie, I'm so sorry I'm late!" CheerMynx giggled again and staggered slightly. The cheerline appeared to be drunk. "But like I was in my room getting ready and then a bunch of my fans totally showed up with presents and chocolates and wine and ~hic~", tittering, CheerMynx stopped and took in the room's decorations.

 

"Like, wow, Wyvie! This place is totally awesome! Did you do all the decorations?"

"Uh..." Wyvern tried to think of an answer, but he was too busy glaring jealously at the door, under which a small army of valentines seemed to be being shoved through. What sounded like the cheerline's entire male fanbase could be clearly heard fighting on the other side.

 

The Almost Dragon's brooding was cut short as CheerMynx shoved a half empty box of liquored chocolates in his claws.

"Like, try them! They're soooooooooo good!" The cheerline hiccupped again before diving into the pile that had exploded from her bag, muttering to herself.

"Now, like, where did I put your present..."

 

Taking advantage of the distracting commotion, a troglyodyte sneaked forward and slipped a card under her bag.

[Wyvern]

Wyvern scratched at his scales nervously as he watched CheerMynx roll through her pile of gifts like a kitten minion on catnip, the drunken writhing detracting from the appeal of her custom outfit more than it should have. The reptilian reporter cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak, decidedly uncomfortable:

 

“L-l-lisssten, CheerMynxie, I wanted to read you-“

 

“Oh my GAWD like I know I ~hic~ left it here some place!” CheerMynx speedily dug through her belongings as more Valentine cards were shoved through the cracks of Rhapsody’s door. “Y’know that they bought me like a whole comb set?! And a totally awesome ~hic~ pompom rack!

 

“Th-that’sss g-great CheerMynx.” Wyvern tugged at his bath robe collar, visibly nervous. “O-okay, sssso here it goesss…”

 

Wyvern took a deep breath, only to suddenly blank on his lines as CheerMynx giggled in her inebriated state. The overgrown lizard quickly pulled the poem out of his pocket to read it manually, determined to deliver his Valentine message.

 

“T-t-tiger tiger-“

 

“Ohmigod, and then this one guy ~hic~ totally got me a kissing book, and hey! I haven’t opened these two candy boxes yet.”

 

“… d-d-dressing light. Ssss-sss-stripes a…“

 

“And then the ~hic~ the mob totally showered me with heart confetti! And oh, I’ll have to bring some of that leftover wine!”

 

“… sss-sight of heart’s d-d-delight.”

 

“Like, what’re you talkin’ about ~hic~ Wyvie?” CheerMynx giggled loudly, only to suddenly perk up and brighten when she discovered the card that the troglyodyte had slipped under her bag. She tore it open with a claw and gushed over sparkly red card inside. “OhmyGod look at this card from ~hic~ Spinky! It says ‘You’re Purr-fect.’ AWWWW, isn’t it sweet Wyvie?”

 

Wyvern faked a smile, and paused for a long moment before finally nodding. He breathed an inward sigh of resignation and drooped his scales in spite of himself, crumpling the poem in his claws and tossing it over his shoulder in defeat.

 

“Yeah… ssssweet.”

 

Wyvern scooped up a clawful of CheerMynx’s liquored chocolates and stuffed them into his mouth, chewing on them sullenly. Cerby’s female head finally managed to latch its teeth onto Wyvern’s tail, gnawing and refusing to let go.