The Almost Report Celebrates its 100th Semi-Illegal Broadcast

[Wyvern]

The cameras flash on to the sound of shaking tambourines, which echo through this week’s quarters with a hint of something bordering on magic. The news cams pan over an exotic entrance-way lit by bright candles hanging on sides of an arched hallway, and zoom in to get a better glance of the mystical pictures that hang on parchments tacked to the walls. Drawings of various horoscope beasts overlap with sketches of constellation alignments, and archaic spell script has become too faded to read. The cameras pass through the hall until they arrive at a moderately large room that still maintains a certain degree of intimacy in the positioning of its chairs and its lack of windows. The centerpiece of the room is a giant crystal ball, which brightly illuminates everything in the chamber with its glow. Gypsy quilts line the back wall with a collage of deeper oranges and browns, ancient yet elegant in their own venerable way. Wyvern sits at a small palm reading table with a quizzical expression on his face, shuffling through a pack of tarot cards and trying to find a proper way to con people with them. The lizard tosses a card with a picture of a cat onto the table before lifting himself from his seat and revealing his pseudo-classy attire. The lizard’s dark red collared suit shirt might have appeared formal had it not been for its wide open collar, which was due more to necessity than style given the shirt’s tight fit around his wings. The color of Wyvern’s scales mismatches that of the shirt, making the open top of his apparel all the more apparent. His formal tan trousers do little to add to the ensemble, with his tail seriously bunching up its crotch area. Even the little geld-tinted helmet plates that crown Wyvern’s horns seem a little off-balance in the crystal ball light.

 

“Greetingssss!” Wyvern grins and tugs at the open collar of his shirt, which still feels a little tight over his wings. “Welcome to the Almossst Report’s 100th semi-illegal broadcassst! OK, so there were maybe a couple where we were substituted by the Mighty News, but we were alwaysss there in spirit! Ya hear that, Bob Soluberrin? Ssspirit.”

 

Wyvern sticks his forked tongue out and raises a middle claw at the cameras to accentuate his statement, then claps his claws together with glee.

 

“We’re reporting to you from Madam Quixotic’sss former quarters this evening in honor of Salinye’s recent birthday – hope you had a great one, Salinye! Fortunately, those troublesome Ssscantivia brothers no longer live around these parts…but I booby trapped their extra-tight boxers, jussst in case.”

 

Wyvern snickers to himself at the thought of the bear traps snapping down on the Scantivia brothers’ manhoods, then pauses as a troglyodyte passes by and hands him a bottle of Bruteweiser Spiked Champagne. The overgrown lizard uncorks the bottle with one of his claws, and takes a swig of it before toasting to the cameras.

 

“Well, here’s to 100 episssodes of almost dragonic reporting, and to all of the financial highs and lows that have accompanied them. I’d like to persssonally thank my troglyodyte news crew, the I <3 Wyvern Fan Club, Whisssky in Babylon and of courssse a certain cheerline who was rewarded for her efforts last Report.” Wyvern winks to the cameras and tips his champagne bottle back once again. “I’d alssso like to thank the many quarters that we used and abused at the Mighty Pen Keep, which alssso happened to celebrate its birthday lassst week! Cheersss to the many profitable eventsss that have transpired through these halls. Oh, and before I forget, I also wanna send a big thank-you out to myself, for adding a much-needed masssculine sex appeal to the Report.”

 

Wyvern flashes a losing grin at the cameras and poses for a moment, basking in the vanity of 100 episodes. He sets the Bruteweiser Spiked Champagne down on a copper podium that looks like something out of a séance session, then moves over to a reclining chair next to the room’s central crystal ball and takes a seat. He tugs at his open collar again as he tries to find some way of sitting that doesn’t involve giving his bundled tail an ache.

 

“Anywaysss *grunt,* sssince this is a special moment in the Almost Report’s hissstory, I’d like to make a New Year’sss Almost Resolution. I hereby resolve to spend less geld on the production value of ‘Dawgrim’s Reek,’ which will continue for at least one full goblin broadcasting season.” Wyvern nudges the edge of the crystal ball with the back of one of his feet. “Also, be on the lookout for a ssspecial ‘Meet the Reporters’ Conservatory ball, where you can hang out with all your favorite Almost Report celebrities while getting tipsy on booze… as if you didn’t see enough of us already!”

 

Wyvern lets out a slightly evil cackle, then tilts himself forward and begins waving his claws over the top of the “crystal ball”… which upon closer inspection is not a Quixotic artifact but rather an Almost Dragonic Brand Really Big Lightbulb™. Wyvern squints and pretends to stare deeply into the ball.

 

“Asss for the more immediate future, I see orange and black stripes. And blond, blond hair. Yessss, I can see it now…”

 

Wyvern shifts the bulk of his tail bundle to the front of his trousers to prepare himself for the Almost Intern’s arrival…

[CheerMynx]

A faint jingling heralded the cheerline's arrival, causing Wyvern to look up eagerly from his "crystal ball".

When CheerMynx flounced into the room, it took a few moments for Wyvern to take in the full effect of her outfit.

Embracing the gypsy-esque theme of the report, the cheerline was dressed in a gauzy scarf that barely covered the essentials, held in place with another scarf masquerading as a belt.

Then there was the bells...

Bells hung from the cheerline's ankles, from her tail, from her wrists, from her ears, from her belt, from the beaded purse clutched in her paws - it seemed that she had hung the glittering objects wherever available.

Wyvern was so busy gazing at the Almost Intern and trying to see if the scarves were at all see through, that it took him a while to realise that the bag was squirming.

"One hundred bells for one hundred episodes!" CheerMynx giggled and twirled melodiously. "Whaddaya think? I couldn't decide whether to get them in white gold or diamond or silver so I like got a selection since we can afford it now, right?"

Wyvern's eyes bugged slightly at this news and he opened his mouth to respond, succeeding only in making a strangled "arrrrr..."

"Oh! But I like totally wanted to show you what I got with my recreation bonus!" Opening the squirming bag, CheerMynx pulled out a puppy. A three headed puppy. That greatly resembled a chihuahua. Glittering collars sat around each of the three necks - a pink one in the middle with a blue one on each side. The heads appeared to be torn between yapping and fighting with one another, and baring their miniscule (but very sharp) teeth at Wyvern.

"Do you like it?" CheerMynx giggled, holding the creature out for Wyvern to see. "It's a cerbihuahua! I still haven't decided what to name each of them but aren't they like, totally adorable?"

[Wyvern]

Wyvern snapped back into focus at CheerMynx's emphasis of "totally," tearing his eyes away from the belt bells that seemed to trace the cheerline's hips so well. The overgrown lizard coughed dryly as his thoughts drifted to possible cheaper bell alternatives, and his eyes instinctively began re-working their way up CheerMynx's chest scarf until they happened to arrive at the cerbihuahua's three sets of angered teeth. Wyvern jumped back with a little yelp as the sight of the canine temporarily dispelled the Almost Intern's gypsy charm. He shook his head and hissed softly as he stared at the pup in disbelief.

 

"Like, isn't it cute?!!!"

 

Wyvern slowly nodded with an uncertain look on his face, suddenly aware of where that extra 5% of the show's profits had went to. The overgrown cursed inwardly over the cheerline's choice of a pet over professional massaging lessons, then breathed a sigh and slowly approached the animal, not wanting to break his Almost Intern's good spirits.

 

"Awwww, isssn't it sweet..." Wyvern reached out with a claw to pat the central head of the cerbihuahua, ignoring its growling. "Errr, it doesn't bite does i-"

 

With a flash of movement and a jingle of CheerMynx's purse bells, the cerbihuahua sprung from its position and sunk the teeth of its right head into Wyvern's sensitive claw scales. The overgrown lizard screamed and began flailing around in circles, swinging the cerbihuahua back and forth in the air.

 

"Aaaaarrrgh! Get it off! GET IT OFF!" Wyvern reached to pull the cerbihuahua off with his other claw, only to have the cerbihuahua's left head bite down on it with a feral growl. The lizard cried out and tried to shake the animal off by rubbing his newly handcuffed claws against his pants, only to have the cerbihuahua's central head take advantage of Wyvern's panic by sinking its teeth into more than just the tail bundle in his trousers. "AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!! HAALLLLPP!"

 

A crew of four troglyodytes dressed in dog pound protective gear moved onto the scene and gathered around the vicious cerbihuahua and screaming lizard, managing to remove the pet through their collective effort and leaving an embarassing hole in the front of Wyvern's pants. The cerbihuahua immediately escaped the grasp of the troglyodyte squad, dashing back over to CheerMynx and hopping into her purse. The troglyodytes dispersed as Wyvern slowly lifted himself to his feet, covering the pant gap with an available tarot card.

 

"It'sss..." Wyvern panted and licked each of his claws with a whimper. "It'sss... charming, CheerMynx. Remind me to uuhh, to develop some Almost Dragonic Brand Rainbow Color Tri-Leashes™. Y'know, as a lil' accessory."

 

Wyvern groaned and straightened his scales, then grumbled and turned to exit stage left so he could fetch himself some new pants. The overgrown lizard paused mid-way to the exit hallway, however, and snapped a claw before turning back to CheerMynx.

 

"Oh, before I forget, I wanted to give you thissss."

 

Wyvern dug through his disheveled pockets and pulled out what he assumed was the (admittedly sparse) script for next week's episode of Dawgrim's Reek, handing it to the Almost Intern. CheerMynx glanced at the scrap of paper with a curious expression, arching a brow slightly as she skimmed over the familiar pink handwriting on the sheet. It read:

 

One Free (PG-13) Cheer/Dance for a Very Special Wyvern!

Redeemable Anytime

[CheerMynx]

"Wow, I'd like, totally forgotten about this," CheerMynx giggled as she pocketed the voucher. "So, like, cheer or dance?"

Wyvern blinked slowly. "Er..."

"Ooooh! I know! Dance of the seven veils!" CheerMynx grinned suddenly. "I'm like, totally dressed for it! Here!"

Handing her cerbihuahua back over to Wyvern - who had already begun to instinctively cringe around the creature - CheerMynx got a boom box from the sound crew and set it up in a corner, fiddling with the buttons until it began to play a steady, somewhat hypnotising beat.

The cheerline's tail twitched in time to the music until the bell chimes matched the rhythm of the song. Turning and grinning at Wyvern, CheerMynx began to dance. With a scarf in each paw that may or may not have come from her outfit, the cheerline danced a slow circle, hips swaying to the beat as the scarves twirled around her.

Her movements were liquid in their fluidity, and yet the bells continued to ring clearly in time with the music, the hypnotic rhythm almost seeming to stop or slow time.

Wyvern would have been beside himself with joy...if the cerbihuahua hadn't picked this moment to continue it's attack on Almost Dragonic-Kind...

[Wyvern]

Wyvern gawked onward in a trance, his eyes greedily feeding off of CheerMynx's movements while his mind was caught somewhere between working out the voucher motive for the dance and trying to figure out how one could perform "Dance of the Seven Veils" whilst wearing only two strategically placed scarves. The overgrown lizard's excitement grew as he realized he would soon find out, his jaw dropping and his eyes widening a little more with each rhythmic bell jingle. Wyvern clutched the ceribhuahua tighter in spite of himself as his head swooned through a figure 8 to follow the motion of CheerMynx's hips, his open shirt collar failing to prevent a build up of sweat across his scales. The tarot card covering the hole in the lizard's pants was quickly replaced by a spiked champagne bottle, which was replaced by a crystal ball, which was replaced by a fortune teller mat... So entranced was the reptilian Elder that he didn't even notice the ceribhuahua gnawing away at his claws, his ecstasy transcending mere feelings of pain. That is, at least until the ceribhuahua's central head decided to bring him back down to earth by going for his more sensitive regions again.

 

"AARRRRRGGGGGHHH!" The hypnotic melody and mood were cut short as Wyvern flailed forward, breaking the slowing of time with his speedy stride. The two available heads of the ceribhuahua growled while the central head dangled from whatever was behind the mat in front of Wyvern's pants, holding fast. "AAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!!"

 

Wyvern raced back and forth in a frenzy, torn between dashing to the medic or bearing it out and letting CheerMynx continue her performance. With a wail of frustration and an even louder wail of pain, the lizard chose the direction of the infirmary... but not before dashing a circle around CheerMynx while applauding. Wyvern's cry echoed out as he ran towards the exit hall, his voice wrought with frustration:

 

"We'll continue thisss laaaaaatttttttttttAAAAARRRRRRRR!"