The Almost Report Plugs Far More Than Just Christmas Lights

[Wyvern]

The news cameras tune in to a festive mixture of reds and greens, which are available thanks to sets of Miniature Blood Bottle To-Gos (provided by VampHigher Bottling Corp) and Deluxe Vine Hangers (provided by Teantech). Glittery white décor has also been strung over CheerMynx’s walls courtesy of Used Glitter Ghost Sheets (provided by Spectre-rama), and a sign labeled “The Almost Report – brought to you by the Mighty News” hangs over the head of CheerMynx’s bed. Wyvern sits under the sign, dressed in a large torso-sized billboard for the Ciao Bella modeling agency, as well as super short cut jeans with the words “Dress Less for More” embroidered on them. Stringy green Fairy Fall Mall flyers flap around on the overgrown lizard’s horns, and two large buckets of Curly Onion Cheese Canes (provided by Cholesterol Holiday Hall) sit at his side. Wyvern’s pride has stooped so low that he even wears a pet collar from the Adopt a Mythical Pet store around his neck, clearly visible to the viewership in an effort to promote another outlet. Wyvern takes a deep breath and turns his head to the cameras with a slightly solemn look.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the Almost Report. Brought to you by Louise Elve-itton, VampHigher Bottling Corp, Dolce & Dragona, Treantech, AoA Chocolate Confectionaries, Spectre-rama, Horizon Portable Crystal Balls, Cholesterol Holiday Hall, Goblin Jim’s Wreck Shop, Adopt a Mythical Pet, Battle Horn Depot, Dress Less for More, Idiot’s Flashlight Group, Fairy Fall Mall, Necromicon, Ciao Bella modeling agency, Mighty Pen Garden Gnome Recreation Center, Planeswalker Void Balance Tours, and the Mighty Newsss.” Wyvern cringes a bit upon mentioning the name of the rival Report, then catches his breath and bites his tongue before he can spit any obscenities about Bob Soluberrin. “A happy holidayssss to all the pennite’s out there. Here’s hoping you invessst in Almost Dragonic Brand Stocking Emptiers™ this Christmas, amongssst other products.”

 

Wyvern grunts and shifts himself off of CheerMynx’s bed, his outfit creaking as his cramped wings press against the back of the billboard. The overgrown lizard grumbles something under his breath as he passes one of the many news troglyodytes wearing elf outfits, the little green hats and ears failing to stand out as much as CheerMynx’s previous take on elves had. Wyvern hobbles his way over to a Christmas elf garden gnome that rests at the left end of the room, and strikes a claws up and a cheesy grin as he poses with it for a moment.

 

“In Pen newsss, the Almost Report would like to send its belated birthday wishes to Finniusss and Sweetcherrie, who celebrated last week. If pennites haven’t indulged in enough holiday consssumerism yet, this is the perfect opportunity to buy even more gifts from some of the Almost Report’s favorite sssponsors!”

 

Wyvern pauses as the company names that he had previously listed flash across the screen in ultra-rapid succession, with each of the names appearing for only a split second. Wyvern’s eyes go dizzy as he attempts to follow the flow of names, and he catches his balance on an Horizon Portable Crystal Ball display just in time for a few flashing cameras to take his picture for promotional purposes.

 

“In further headlines, a new Pen Werewolf game is now available for sssign-up in the Conservatory. http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=16466</a>'>Werewolf XLI (Xmas Lycanthrope Initiative) isss a new Werewolf game in the ssspirit of Christmas, only with rabid carnivorous wolves driving the slay sleigh instead of reindeer. They seem to be a little short-staffed at the moment, so join in to find out what everybody's howling about!”

 

Wyvern pauses and cringes for a moment as the back of his billboard begins to bend under the push of his wings, his horn fliers also dangling in front of his eyes repeatedly. The lizard passes his scheduled flashlight stop and retreats back over to CheerMynx’s bed, his tail flicking nervously between his legs. He hisses a deep breath and takes a seat before continuing.

 

“And in broadcasting news, lassst week’s premiere of the heartthrob teen drama Dawgrim’s Reek was a success amongst its target goblin audience. In total, it grossed some odd ones out and appealed to most of’em. I hear that Dawgrim’s fainting spellsss were particularly sexy, though rather obviously acted out *ahem.*” Wyvern clears his throat and tugs at his lizard collar, sweating just at the thought of last week’s multiple rehearsals. “Err, let’ssss hope it’s ‘to be continued’ though eh?”

 

With that, Wyvern bows to the cameras and proceeds to go about his personal affairs as the names of the different sponsors fly by the screen again. The overgrown lizard glances left and right to make sure that no one is watching, then carefully reaches into one of his pants pockets and pulls out a little card. The card features no corporate endorsement, no Almost Dragonic Brand label, and no expensive embellishments of any kind… only a picture made of torn and pasted void checks. The picture seems to be one of Wyvern and CheerMynx holding hands, though the level of artistry is not very high and CheerMynx’s hand could just as well be her tail. Wyvern licks his lips and carefully tucks the present under CheerMynx’s pillow in exactly the same spot that he’d tucked last year’s comb, somehow assuming that the cheerline won’t check there again…

[CheerMynx]

CheerMynx's humming signalled her approach to Wyvern, causing the Almost Dragon to snap to attention as he turned to the door expectantly. A small army of Kitten Minions entered the room ahead of the cheerline, each of them dressed in a matching set of tinsel wings and halo. None of them looked too pleased about this fact, but went about their business with a kind of resigned acceptance.

CheerMynx burst into the room with an explosion of glitter. The cheerline was dressed in a larger sized but matching costume to that of the minions - tinsel wings, glittering halo, and the barest suggestion of a white angel's dress.

"Like, Merry Christmas! And Noel and Hark the Herald Angels and all that stuff!" Giggling, CheerMynx did a twirl for the camera before she turned her attention to Wyvern.

"Like, Wyvie ohmygod can you BELIEVE the fan mail Dawgrim's Reek's been getting?" CheerMynx gushed, producing a stack of fan letters - all with her name addressed on it - that made Wyvern's eyes bulge.

"I like just totally knew I had a knack for this acting thing, like, you know?" the cheerline chatted happily as she went over to her bed to put the letters on her bedside table, before she noticed the card tucked under her pillow.

"Aww, Wyvie is this like, from you?" CheerMynx picked it up and looked at the picture. "That's like, so cute! Thank you!"

Squinting slightly, the cheerline looked closer at the picture. "Are you holding my...?" she trailed off slightly as she tried to make out the detail of the collage, before a loud and sudden commotion outside her room distracted her.

"CheerMynx! CheerMynx over here!"

"CheerMynx! We loooove you!"

"A word for your fans, CheerMynx!"

It appeared that a mob of fans, paparazzi and reporters had gathered outside the cheerline's room. Looking excitedly at Wyvern, CheerMynx squealed happily.

"Ohmygod I have a following!" throwing her arms around Wyvern and hugging him happily, CheerMynx turned and bounded to the door to meet the public. Halfway there, the cheerline hesitated and turned around.

"Like, I totally forgot! Merry Christmas!" CheerMynx produced a bag wrapped in red and green tinsel and handed it to Wyvern, before hugging him again. "Like, thanks for the card! I love it!"

Turning back to face the mob, her giggles were heard even as she went out the door. Wyvern eagerly opened his present to find that the bag was filled with Geld. Thinking them to be chocolate as they had been the year before, Wyvern suppressed a sigh and dug one out to eat.

Of course, it's very hard to bite into real Geld...

[Wyvern]

Wyvern's eyes glittered intensely as the geld piece clinked in his mouth with a sound that could only belong to his precious metal of choice. The faint metallic taste was instantly recognizable to the lizard as well, as was the glimmer of his saliva along the surface after spitting it from his mouth. Wyvern's wings trembled in an excited manner as he lifted the box of coins and pressed it to his billboarded chest, his eyes growing extra wide and glassy while his lower lip quivered.

 

"Jussst what I've alwaysss wanted! CheerMynx, how did ya know?" Wyvern turned his toothy grin in the Almost Intern's direction to thank her more personally, only to frown slightly as found that the cheerline had already disappeared into her crowd of adoring fans. "CheerMynxie? W-wait!"

 

Wyvern attempted to rush into the crowd to give CheerMynx a proper amount of affection, but was blockaded by two heavy-set trolls wearing bootleg Triska B'Shell tees. Wyvern attempted to squeeze between them, then around them, then under them, than above them with no success. The overgrown lizard stretched his neck and tilted his head in the hopes of at least catching a last glimpse of the angelic cheerline, but his view was obscured by large troll clubs. He let out a long hiss of frustration, then stomped a foot on the ground and stormed back over to CheerMynx's bed. He seated himself with a huff and crossed his arms over his bent billboard chest, then grumbled to himself and glanced down at a kitten in angel attire sitting at his feet.

 

"What're you looking at?" Wyvern hissed at the kitten's innocent expression, venting and ignoring its meek meowl. "Shouldn't you be watching over a religious litter box somewhere or something?"

 

The kitten meowled again, only to spring forward and land on Wyvern's face just as the lizard attempted to shove it to the side with his tail. Wyvern cursed and reached for the kitten to pull it off, only to find have his claws pulled back by other kitten minions in angel outfits. The minions planted their halos around Wyvern's claws and into CheerMynx's mattress, pinning the lizard down and rendering him immobile. Other kitten minions began springing up onto the mattress, pawing Wyvern curiously and gently waving their tails in his face.

 

"W-w-wait, HAHAHA! That HAHA tickles HAHAHAW!" Wyvern tried to signal for help with his tail, only to have kitten minion begin playing with his stinger like a toy. "NOooooHAHAHAoooo! CheerMynx! HAHAW hellllp! HAWHAWHAWHAW!"