The Almost Report Tests Stop Motion News Reporting

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to a static image of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, which has obviously been photographed using some cheap disposable camera (possibly of the Almost Dragonic Brand variety). The image is so poorly montaged that part of Wyvern’s claw is visible on the lower left-hand corner of the screen, bending the edge of one of CheerMynx’s fancy wardrobe closets. The picture is shoved further into the camera lens before Wyvern begins hissing in an uncertain tone in the background.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to another episssode of the Almost Report’sss monetary misfortunesss.”

 

The camera screen blacks out for a moment, only to return to the image of Wyvern scavenging the floor for a picture that he’d dropped. The camera blacks out again before flickering back into focus on a static picture of Wyvern pulling out his empty pants pockets with a frown. The overgrown lizard’s shirt pockets also appear to be inside-out, along with his pouch pockets, his sock pockets and… his zipper pocket.

 

“In an effort to save geld spent on camera production, we’ve decided to introduce the latessst in Almost Dragonic Brand technology. Almost Dragonic Brand Stop Motion News Inertia,™ a bold new approach to almost reporting that hasss absolutely nothing to do with the Almost Report Paints an Imperfect Picture of the Pen (10/22/07) or the Almost Report: a Photogenic Alternative to Actual News (2/25/08). *Ahem!*”

 

The cameras black out again, only to refocus just as Wyvern lifts up a collage of several pictures of himself doing lewd poses and taking pictures of them in the mirror. Fortunately for most viewers, many of the photos are too blurry to really make out the details.

 

“Yesss, it’s a brave new Almossst Report and we’re ready to open new windowsss in the advancement of news and geld sssaving methods… and hopefully win some sort of genius grant in the process.” A new a photo of Wyvern wearing a blood-stained lab coat and conducting news tests on cute and innocent kittens replaces the previous picture. “Ssspeaking of windowsss, be sure to check out the new open window exercise available in the Cabaret Room. I guess that windows really are more than just an entrance to the Recruiter’s Office these days.”

 

The cameras black out again before the picture is replaced with a picture of Ahadrian Karios super-imposed over a drawing of a werewolf surrounded by dead animal carcasses, most of them former cute and innocent kittens.

 

“In further newsss, Werewolf XL: Back to Basics starring Ahadrian Karios as the werewolf isss now officially under way.” A claw nudges its way into the camera lens and points in the direction of Ahadrian’s face. “Tbat’sss right, Ahadrian as the werewolf. You heard the rumor here firssst, only on the Almost Report.”

 

The cut-and-paste photo job is flipped over to reveal a picture of Wyvern holding an Almost Dragonic Brand Orc Beginner-Level Alphabet Chart,™ which has been inscribed on a piece of un-used copper plate armor. The reptilian Elder is depicted pointing at the letter Z in the photo, using a crow feather to pinpoint its location between the letters D and S on the chart.

 

“To wrap up our newsss segment, the Almost Report would like to take a moment to send a belated happy birthday out to Zariah, who celebrated lassst week.” A claw extends over the photo with a quill and begins doodling in little birthday decorations around the Z letter. “In addition to being a bird of a different feather, she’sss one o’the few pennites with a Wyvern concert experience under her belt. Here’ssss hopin’ you had a great one Zariah.”

 

The cameras go dark again, then light up over a photo of what appears to be one of CheerMynx’s dressing room closets with the edge of Wyvern’s tail sticking out one of its doors.

 

“W-w-w-wait, n-not that photo let’ssss ussse another photo.”

 

Wyvern quickly swaps the photos, only to exchange it for one of him gaping at a photo of CheerMynx with his tongue hanging loose.

 

“W-w-wait, w-wait not thisss one eith- … well… OK.”

[CheerMynx]

"Wyvie?" CheerMynx's voice caused Wyvern to yelp and drop the stack of photos he was busy rummaging through. "Like, what's all th-EEK!"

The cheerline's yelp was followed by a loud thud. Wyvern turned around to find CheerMynx crumpled in a heap of ruffles and shopping bags amongst the photos that were scattered all over the floor. Photos stuck to her back paws appeared to be the culprits of the accident, although CheerMynx's general clumsiness was also potentially at fault.

"CheerMynx!" Wyvern stumbled and slipped on the photos in his attempts to race to help the Almost Intern up, before the sight of her outfit gave him pause. Covering the ruffles was an exceedingly short emerald green dress with red trim that looked to be a stolen elf costume from Santa's workshop.

While the Almost Dragon was busy drooling, CheerMynx finally succeeded in getting herself untangled and sat up.

"Like, what's with all the photos?" she pouted and rubbed at a bump on her head, before looking at the dazed expression on Wyvern's face.

"Oh! Do you like it?" Scrambling slightly for footing amidst the photos, CheerMynx stood up and twirled, nearly falling over again in the process. "I like totally figured that since Christmas is coming up we should like, start adding the decorations and stuff? I totally bought a bunch of decorations and tinsel and holly and mistletoe and ribbons and candy canes and...hey! Are these photos of me?"

Bending down, CheerMynx picked up a pawful of photos of her in a bathing suit at the beach. The photos were blurry and badly taken and looked like they were taken from the bushes.

Finding his voice finally, Wyvern laughed nervously and snatched them away.

"No no no! Uh...thessse were jusst...uh...proof publicity shotsss!"

"Publicity?" CheerMynx tilted her head in confusion, before her eyes brightened. "Oooooh! You mean like, modelling stills and interviews?! omg I TOTALLY have some shots I just got them done holdonasec!"

Slipping and nearly falling for a third time, CheerMynx began rummaging through the shopping bags. Wyvern gulped and tried to find the words to tell her she was mistaken before the cheerline got her hopes up, but the thought of having some professional modelling photos of CheerMynx was too great an opportunity for any self respecting Almost Dragon to pass up...

[Wyvern]

“Ssssss-sss-sure, uhh, l-lemme see’em.” Wyvern flicked a few stray photos from his tail and attempted to peek into the bag where CheerMynx was digging, only to accidentally gape at the red trimming surrounding the Almost Intern’s cleavage instead. Not that the reptilian reporter was complaining. “U-guuuhhhh. I mean… stillsss any promotional good are?”

 

Wyvern’s eyes shrunk a bit at the sight of the professional modeling dossier that made its way into CheerMynx’s paws, which bore the signature of the ultra-expensive and prestigious Ciao Bella modeling agency. The spending-sized lump in the overgrown lizard’s throat lessened when he noticed that the folder featured sub-section dividers arranged by pose, and he let his forked tongue flick in and out at the thought of thoroughly examining its contents.

 

“Uhm, m-m-may I?”

 

Wyvern took the folder without waiting for a response and began flipping through it in as nonchalant a manner as possible, which still bordered on giddy-child-during-Christmas-morning excited. CheerMynx clapped her paws together and giggled over Wyvern’s increasingly transfixed reactions, then brushed down some wrinkles in her dress and purred.

 

“So you like’em?”

 

Wyvern slowly tilted his head and raised a brow as he raised one of the photos from the promotional collection at an angle to make the most of the details. He nodded in slow, visible nods.

 

“Awesome! I’ll totally, like, order high quality prints for the whole collection then!”

 

Wyvern snapped the folder shut as he realized the costs that such an operation would entail, and collapsed into a pile of photos of himself collapsed in heaps on the ground.