The Almost Report Make-Ups for Blonde Belatedness

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to the sight of a large hairbrush display styled like a weapon-rack, with row upon row of brightly colored eclectic brushes lined in a formal fashion. The sizes of the brushes run the gamut from “Giant” to “Pixie,” with the larger brushes near the top and the tinier ones lining the end of the spectrum. The news cameras zoom out for a moment to get a full view of the hairbrush display and the “Cellular Crystal Ball Calling Zone” sign that rests to its right, then turn to get a view of the rest of the mock beauty salon that’s been set up in CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ. They pass by a variety of make-up and manicure tables as well as a few Almost Dragonic Brand Medusa Coil Hair Dryers,™ which look every bit as dangerous as they sound, before stopping at the center of the set-up. The cameras catch a shot of a large poster of CheerMynx modeling for some type of fur enrichener hanging in the background, then pause and focus on a metallic tube labeled Almost Dragonic Brand Hellfire Furnace Tanning Bed.™ The “tanning bed” bears a resemblance to a poorly constructed troll oven, save for a clanging sound that seems to echo from it every few seconds. The camera crew listens to the clangs for a moment and begins to turn to inspect other parts of the parlor, only to pause as a “haaallllp” is faintly heard between clangs. The troglyodytes murmer to one another before one of them finally decides to walk up to the tanning bed and open it, causing Wyvern to collapse out in the midst of trying to bang on it again. The news cameras huddle around Wyvern as he gasps for air, his scales slightly shrunken and his barber bib more-than-slightly shrunken. The overgrown lizard rolls on the ground and blows on his scales for a bit to cool them down, then sighs and adjusts his tiny clothes as best as he can before turning to the cameras.

 

“*Ahem* Greetingssss, and welcome to perhaps the most fashionable Almost Report to date. Join us as we celebrate all thingsss blond in true beauty salon style, with CheerMynx’s recent return and Blondemoon’s recent birthday at the top of the lissst.” Wyvern signals to a troglyodyte, who nods and brings him a new blond wig to replace the one that had burned up in the tanning bed. The reptilian reporter adjusts the wig on his horns, causing it to stand above his head. “Our bessst Pen birthday wishesss go out to Vlad, Archaneus, and Mirrizin as well. Hope the lot of you had great onesss… feel free to stop by the Almost Report parlor for 50% off on an Almost Dragonic Brand Almost Scale Makeover.™”

 

Wyvern strikes a claws up to the cameras, then turns to try and search for a way to get his scales back to their regular handsome size prior to CheerMynx’s arrival. He passes by a poster for some barbarian boy band called Hairy & the Blond Bombshells and comes to a halt when he arrives at a manicure table, which contains an assortment of excessively large knives designed to sharpen the nails of even the most frightening of taloned behemoths. Wyvern ignores the knives, however, and focuses on trying to find a bottle of crimson nail polish to help fill out the color of his hide.

 

“In current Pen newsss, Savage Dragon has issued a challenge to all pennites to fill in the end of his story in the Cabaret Room. An exercissse in indescribable feelings and such, apparently...” Wyvern pauses as he comes across a red bottle of polish, but twists his snout when he finds it labeled “Strawberry Red” and decides to leave it alone. “Alsssso, if you’ve already helped fill in stories via Patrick’s madlib, the new madlib results are now up for reading in the Cabaret. Thanks Pat!”

 

Wyvern swings his tail in a turn and rushes over to the hair stylist section of the salon, searching for some type of alternative bib or other baggy article of clothing to cover the current state of his scales. Unfortunately, due to the blond orientation of the beauty parlor, large clothes are decidedly difficult to come by.

 

“In other Pen newsss, I’m pleasssed to announce that the Mighty Pen Fundraiser’s fundraising goal has finally been reached. Thanks to everyone who donated in ssssupport of the Keep!” Wyvern pauses and seats himself on a stool available in the Cellular Crystal Ball Calling Zone, worrying once again about CheerMynx and the Almost Intern Fashion Fund. “Now, if only we could start raising as much geld on the Report…”

[CheerMynx]

Growing slightly anxious at the passing time, Wyvern was so happy to see CheerMynx when she swanned into the room that for a moment he didn't notice the bags that she was laden down with.

"Ch-CheerMynx!" The Almost Dragon leapt up from his stool and raced to the cheerline in excitement to see her, only to skid to a halt as he remembered the state of his scales. Looking around desperately for some sort of cover, Wyvern grabbed a hot pink tablecloth off one of the manicure tables, scattering nail files and polish everywhere as he hurriedly fashioned the material into a toga. He was so distracted by this task for a moment that he barely noticed when CheerMynx dropped the load of shopping bags and left the room again. By the time the Almost Dragon looked up, CheerMynx had disappeared. She was gone long enough to Wyvern to begin panicking before she returned with another load of bags, humming happily to herself.

Wyvern frowned at all the bags in confusion, recognising some of the brands printed on the sides of the bags and knowing the stores for their high price items.

"Uh....what'sss this?" he eventually asked, startling the cheerline from her thoughts (however shallow they may have been).

"Well, like, I was celebrating of course Wyvie!"

Wyvern felt his stomach clench slightly.

"Celebrating?"

"Yeah! I mean like you said the funding's been a success and then you've totally been going on all week about like beauty salons and stuff so I just like totally assumed..." CheerMynx trailed off as she looked beyond Wyvern - who now stood with his jaw hanging in shock - and took in the state of the room.

"Oooooh I totally get it now! The beauty salon was the THEME!" CheerMynx dropped the remaining bags she was holding to giggle and clap her paws excitedly. "Does that mean I can get a paw-dicure?" she raced past Wyvern and began to look around expectantly for someone to come serve her, still oblivious to the fact that Wyven was still frozen on the spot as he took in the sheer number of bags and wondered just what CheerMynx had done to the Almost Report's budget...

[Wyvern]

Wyvern's lower lip starts to tremble as he stares over the ocean of upper-class shopping bags that the cat dragged in, his beady eyes growing tinier over every expensive brand-named bag. With no charity to comfort him and no new CheerMynx outfit to distract his thoughts, the reptilian reporter falls into despair at an alarming rate, collapsing next to a Louis Elve-itton bag and slamming his horns into the ground. Wyvern wails in spite of himself, then covers his snout with his claws and takes a moment to suffer in silence.

 

"My Report..." Wyvern sniffles and writhes on the ground, closing his eyes and hoping the bags will have vanished by the time he opens them. "My Almost Report... is..."

 

Wyvern blows his nose on the sleeve of an ultra-expensive shirt hanging from a Dolce & Dragona bag, covering the delicate fabric in wet ash and snot. He wipes his eyes with his claws, then sticks his snout up in the air and lifts himself back onto his feet. He stares once again over the various bags and their financial implications, then taps his tail stinger on the floor and points to an area off-screen.

 

"Troglyodyte Lighting Crew, Team A. Troglyodyte Sound Men, Team B. Go take these clothing bagsss back to their points of origin and sssee if they're refundable." Wyvern sniffles, and glances down at a bag from Musingwear containing lacey lingerie. "Except that bag from Musssingwear, you can leave that there."

 

Wyvern tilts his head to another area off-screen, a new determination ringing in his hiss.

 

"Troglyodyte Advertisement Squad, Team C. You'll be in charge of hawking the non-refundablesss on the black market, aim for a 10% raissse from the initial sssales price." Wyvern scratches his horns for a second, then snaps his claws. "Troglyodyte Make-Up Crew, Team D. Resssearch blackmail options for retail outletsss that refuse to refund the productsss."

 

Wyvern glances over at CheerMynx briefly, then hisses a slow sigh of sorts.

 

"Except you two, Spinky and Puffdrag. You go give CheerMynx her paw-dicure, she did come all the way out here after all."

 

Wyvern twiddles his claws and tries to maintain his dignified composure, uncertain of how to break it to CheerMynx that he'll no longer be able to afford her presence on the Report... The overgrown whimpers to himself and covers his face with one of his wings so no one will see, calculating a drop in the Almost Intern Fashion Fund from 5% to -10%...