The Almost Report Airs Advertisements for Ayshela's B-day

[Wyvern]

The news cameras pan over a pennite’s well-furnished living room with surprisingly few technical difficulties, getting clear shots of a circle of couches that surround an unlit fireplace. A portrait of Ayshela hugging Peredhil at the center of a large pennite gathering is surrounded by pictures of Aleyn and Jirah near the mantelpiece of the fireplace, and stray kitten fur is visible in the light layer of dust that covers the furniture. The cameras briefly catch a shot of an ornate lamp hanging from the ceiling before turning to the sound of the main entrance door slamming open. Wyvern storms in dressed in a tacky salesman outfit littered with little birthday product price tags, which are taped to his cufflinks and collar. The overgrown lizard drops an oddly familiar gold-colored bag from the span of his wings, then waves to the cameras and promptly begins unloading products onto the central table of the chamber.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to another Almost Report. Join us as we report to you live from Ayshela’s lounge in another semi-legal exclusssive.” Wyvern sets a Cake Repelling Helmet and Special Deluxe Lap Protector on the front of the table so that they’re visibly at the head of the soon-to-be product display. “In cassse you’re wondering, this sssack is the same bag that Ayshela used in the Cabaret Room some months back. I felt it was only right to revisit it in belated honor of her birthday, and I can’t say that the Report’sss record low ratingsss hurt the decision making process either. Anyway, at the top of the news this evening…”

 

A loud blaring horn goes off in the background as the words “Sale! Sale! Sale!” begin flashing across the screen faster than you can say Almost Dragonic Brand Clichéd Shopping Channel Signs™. Wyvern jumps up from his position and spreads his claws with a toothy salesman grin, chanting along as the words zoom across the screen.

 

“That’ssss right! We’re getting rid of an overstock of Cake Repelling Helmets and Special Deluxe Lap Protectors, as well as Special Birthday Earplugs and Almost Dragonic Birthday Celebration Gear. And you know what that meanssss: discountsss galore!”

 

Wyvern pulls out a sign that reads “10% off,” then tosses it to the side and replaces it with a sign that reads “25% off.” He promptly discards it for a sign that reads “40% off,” then drops the sign to the floor and holds up a sign that reads “60% off.” Wyvern pauses for a moment and glances at the current sign and the one on the floor, clearly hesitating. He eventually sets down the “60% off” sign and reclaims the “40% off” sign, waving it at the cameras.

 

“That’sss right, it’sss a 40% off blowout on all this old party product, plusss MinimondoT will receive an additional 20% dissscount as a belated birthday gift should she choose to shop with us here.” Wyvern reaches into the bag and tosses a clawful of Special Birthday Earplugs onto the table. “Everything mussst go! And if you purchase now, we’ll even donate 0.0005% of the earnings to the Mighty Pen Fundraiser, which only needs one or two more donations before it reaches its fundraising goal. Any contributions are appreciated!”

 

Wyvern pauses, then swings his tail up onto the armrest of a chair and digs back into the gold-colored bag until he comes up with something new. He snickers to the cameras as he pulls out what appears to be a small plastic bag of grey powder, as well as a compass that displays at least ten hands pointing in every direction imaginable.

 

“Of courssse, it wouldn’t truly be an Almost Report sale without a couple of new goodiesss from Almost Dragonic Inc. Keeping the special occasssion in mind, we have Almost Dragonic Brand Kitten Minion Catnip™ and Almost Dragonic Brand New Member Orientators™ available for a moderate price.” Wyvern sets the two products down and taps his claws on the edge of the table. “Almost Dragonic Brand Criminally Insane Lib Guides™ are also still for sale, and perfect for those participating in Patrick’s recent madlib. Word is that said madlib’s open until next weekend, so there’s plenty of time to participate in it if you haven’t done so yet.”

 

With that, Wyvern presses his claws together and leans back in one of Ayshela’s comfy living room chairs as the 1-900 incantation number for the Report Shopping Network flashes across the screen in sickening flashes of red and yellow. The overgrown lizard lets his forked tongue hang loose as he awaits his first eager shopper…

[Peredhil]

Happy Birthday!!!

[CheerMynx]

"Wyvie?"

The familiar but long-lost sound of CheerMynx's voice caused Wyvern to jerk upright in his seat and bite down on his tongue in shock.

"Wyyyyyyvie? Are you here?" CheerMynx bounded into the room, dressed in an orange and black cheerleading outfit that blended almost perfectly with her own stripes, making the cheerline appear almost naked...or like she was wearing the fur of a rival cheerline.

At the sight, Wyvern's jaw gaped open, the returning bloodflow causing the Almost Dragon's tongue to burn in pain.

"Aaaaaaaaahbah," he whined, still staring at CheerMynx in shock. The cheerline giggled and bounded up to him.

"Silly Wyvie," she teased, kissing him on the tip of his snout before she began to poke around the room curiously. "So did you miss me?"

Shaking his head to clear the stripy-tailed hearts that were dancing around his head, Wyvern caught the strange look CheerMynx was giving him and changed the shaking to vigerous nodding before he found his voice.

"Of c-coursse I missssed you! CheerMynxie I...I thought you'd gone for good!" Wyvern launched himself out of his chair to hug the cheerline, before a thought crossed his mind and he paused.

"This...issssn't your resignation, is it?"

"What?" CheerMynx giggled and tossed her ponytail. "Oh Wyvern don't be silly! Of course I'm not quitting!"

"You were gone so long...I thought maybe a better newssss channel..." Wyvern mumbled, loath to appear to vulnerable.

"I was gone a while wasn't I? I'm so totally sorry about that Wyvie! See, first I got called in for this modelling gig on campus and then someone TOTALLY mistook me for the Cincinnatti Bengals mascot so I like ended up travelling with the team and stuff and it was kinda fun but I just like really wanted to get home but I TOTALLY didn't know where I was because honestly maps are like so, SO hard but then I saw a roadsign I recognised so I got off the bus and here I am!"

The cheerline did a twirl and smiled brightly at Wyvern.

"So, like, is it cool if I come back?"

[Wyvern]

“Ah-buhhh...”

 

Wyvern continues staring at CheerMynx, still dumbfounded by her presence, his eyes fixed on the finer lining of her stripes in spite of his best efforts to stay focused. It takes a sway of the cheerline’s tail for the question to finally register in Wyvern’s head, at which point he begins nodding again like a pet lizard waiting for some sort of stripe-related treat. The reptilian reporter pauses in his complacent nodding, however, as a devious thought enters into the general jubilation going on in his mind. He swoons for a moment to get some of the suppressed excitement out of his system, then clears his throat and tilts his head up in the calmest, most business-like expression he can muster. Which is hardly calm at all, nor business-like.

 

“Oh s-ss-ssure, I mean, well...” Wyvern twists his tail stinger into the ground in an attempt to get his cognitive schemer gears turning, though the occasional glance at CheerMynx’s chest is enough to get a pretty major monkey wrench caught in the works. “W-w-well, yesss of course, definitely…”

 

The overgrown lizard pauses and pulls out a sheet of paper, a dastardly grin forming across his face.

 

“With a few new sssstipulations, of course.”

 

Wyvern takes out a quill in the hopes of scribbling a few new interesting additions to CheerMynx’s contract, but only manages to get through the first syllable of “massage” before CheerMynx speaks up in her chirpy voice.

 

“Stipulations? You mean, like, my Almost Intern Fashion Fund and stuff?”

 

“W-well, uuhhmm…” Wyvern drops his quill as he considers the state of the Almost Report’s show ratings, and grows progressively more worried as he realizes that the Fashion Fund would have to be less than it was when CheerMynx left. “A-actually, well, the show hassssn’t been the most popular without you CheerMynxie. We’re looking tight on fundsss, so we maaayy need to cut the Almost Intern Fashion Fund back down to 5% for a bit. I-I-I mean, temporarily ssspeaking…”

 

Wyvern whimpers and sits in awkward silence for a moment, then gets on his knees and stares up at CheerMynx with the best sad lil’ lizzy eyes he can muster.

 

“Pleeeeaaaaassssse ssssstay…?”

[Patrick]

A minor correction: since I won't be around this weekend, the Madlib shall be closed either Sunday night or whenever I have the time after that.

[CheerMynx]

CheerMynx blinked at Wyvern's expression, before she put a paw to her mouth and giggled quietly behind it.

The cheerline's eyes flickered slightly, as if she were listening to someone even though Wyvern hadn't said anything further. A playful grin spread across her face.

"I'll have to, like, think about it and let you know," CheerMynx giggled.

"L-let me know?" Wyvern blinked and tried not to whine. "Uh...when?"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll have an answer by, like...the next report?"

CheerMynx winked at Wyven and blew him a kiss, before turning and flouncing out of the room, leaving the Almost Dragon once again in stunned silence.

[Wyvern]

"Uhhh, buh-but, I-I mean... Ch-CheerMynxie wait!"

 

Wyvern jumps out of his seat and turns to pursue the cheerline, only to get his tail tangled in a stack of Almost Dragonic Brand Kitten Minion Catnip™. The overgrown lizard grits his teeth as he watches the last flash of CheerMynx's tail brush against the side of the entrance door, and tugs at his stuck tail with such force that he tumbles forward and trips over a line of Cake Repelling Helmets. The reptilian Elder yells curses as he stumbles head over heels, falling into a pile of Special Deluxe Lap Protectors that completely fail to break his fall. The overgrown lizard cranes his neck and flails to his feet, then removes a "20% off" sign impaled to one of his horns and wails to the troglyodyte news crew.

 

"What're you guys waiting for?! Follow that ssstripe-sporting feline!"

 

The news cameras watch Wyvern's despaired expression and claw movements for a moment, only to start trembling as they notice the angery glint in the reptilian reporter's eyes. The camera equipment is promptly dropped by the troglyodytes as they scurry off in a futile pursuit of CheerMynx, mostly in an effort to get out of Wyvern's range of rage. The news visuals immediately blackout, but the sound tracking devices remain functional long enough to hear Wyvern scream:

 

"You idiotssss, don't just drop the camerasss! Those things cossst geld! We're already under-budget as it i-"