The Almost Report Hollows All Pennite Wallets

[Wyvern]

The news cameras slowly turn as the sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the background. The lenses of the cameras barely make out any visuals due to the copious number of cobwebs that cling to their frames, though black and orange colors can be seen through tiny gaps in the webs. A troglyodyte hand, also webbed, reaches down and pulls the spider nesting grounds from the equipment, revealing not a Halloween decoration but a picture of CheerMynx in all her black and orange glory. Though the cheerline is dressed in one of her typical pink cheerleader two-pieces, the counter surrounding the picture is decidedly more Halloween-oriented. Crumpled candy wrappers surround two un-carved pumpkins lying next to each other, undoubtedly set in position to represent something lascivious in a certain reptilian reporter’s mind. The news crew turns to get a view of the rest of CheerMynx’s quarters, which are decorated with sparkly witch rags that are so tattered that they may have even made for a good outfit on the right fur. The cameras pass by several large empty “Almost Report Candy Donation” tins before arriving at the bedside where Wyvern sits, costume and all. The overgrown lizard sports a foam Wyvern outfit leftover from CheerMynx’s April Fool’s report, complete with fake leather scale bodysuite, foam claws and mock head-piece. The outfit is hardly as oversized on Wyvern as it was on its previous owner, but the reptilian reporter doesn’t seem to mind given that small traces of cheerline fur that still cling to its interior.

 

“Greetingssss, and a belated Happy Halloween to all from the Almossst Report.” The sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the background as Wyvern pulls off his phony head piece and flashes a real almost dragonic grin at the cameras. “Feel free to ring usss on our crystal ball incantation number if ya wanna share some of the things ya did for the holiday. I know Almost Dragonic Inc. practiced itsss tried and true traditions of tricking without treating… just take a look at these.”

 

Wyvern shifts his outfit with some effort and gestures towards a tall dark glass cabinet with a geld slot on the front. A few sparse candy bars are lined on skellie bone vending trays inside of the rectangular box, though the spot that would normally distribute candy is sealed with a combination lock.

 

“Thessse Almost Dragonic Brand Gag Halloween Candy Vending Machines™ made sure that the tricksss just kept coming while the treatsss remained where they rightfully belonged.” Wyvern snickers to himself proudly and signals to a troglyodyte, who proceeds to unlock the geld bin of the vending machine and empty its contents next to the cameras. The overgrown lizard’s ego deflates when the contents of the box prove to be only a folded note, which reads “No one uses vending machines on Halloween, idiot!” Wyvern stares at the sheet glumly, then clears his throat and continues. “Annnyyyway, if you weren’t tricked by Almossst Dragonic Inc. thisss Halloween, why not use the money you saved to contribute to the Mighty Pen Fundraiser? There’sss still hosting fee money to be raised by December, and any donations are appreciated… even tiny ones!”

 

Wyvern presses his foam Wyvern costume claws together as the sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the background. He spears the vending machine note with a non-costume tail stinger and shifts it under CheerMynx’s bed, then glances over a list of news items attached to the back of one of the costume claws.

 

“In other Pen newsss, the Cabaret’s Mighty Pen Madlib booth is once again open to brave new hosts. I can guarantee a response from yours truly to anyone who takes one on, plus Almost Dragonic Brand Criminally Insane Lib Guides™ are also available for the uncertain. 99 geld cheap.” Wyvern pauses and wipes a bit of ash from his snout with one of his foam claws. “Ssspeaking of uncertainty, I’d alssso like to take a moment to quickly encourage U.S pennites to get out and vote today. Just don’t forget to line the voting booths with Almost Dragonic Brand Pay-Per-Vote Service™ tags.”

 

Wyvern grins to the cameras and attempts to shift his costume tail as the sound of a door creaking open echoes sinisterly in the backgrou-

 

“Woody!” Wyvern raises a foam claw to his snout as he calls out. “Enough with the Halloween door sounds already, you ain’t impressing anybody.”

 

A brief moment of silence ensues, followed by the sound of an angry door slamming shut…