AuroraAoD Posted September 11, 2008 Report Posted September 11, 2008 (edited) A sheet of paper, a card, a napkin, a Stick-it note, a mirror, a sidewalk, a window. A pencil, pen, marker, lipstick, chalk, charcoal. My Dearest, Darling, Sweetheart, My Life, My Love, My Heart. An emotion, a moment, a memory, a hope, a need, a wish, an urge, a want, a dream. A strand of hair, the look in your eyes, the curve of your neck, the smell of your skin, the touch of your hand, the strength of your arms, the taste of your lips. A place, a time, a moment, a kiss, an embrace, a sigh, a touch. Hopes, bodies, dreams, hearts, and souls entwined With my Love, Always and Forever, My one and only, Forever yours, Until we're together again, Always in my heart, My everything. *Its a work in progress and would appreciate any advice or ideas you might have. Im going for a general over a detailed, and trying to bring an emotional perspective to it. Thanks! Edited September 11, 2008 by AuroraAoD
Ozymandias Posted September 13, 2008 Report Posted September 13, 2008 This looks terrific as it is- what more would you want in it?
AuroraAoD Posted September 13, 2008 Author Report Posted September 13, 2008 Well Im wondering if the visual images are coming across by the way it is written? Is there any feeling or does it feel like a grocery list? Is it realistic? Or is it coming off as a corny teen movie? haha...things like that.
Ozymandias Posted September 16, 2008 Report Posted September 16, 2008 I don't know what you mean by "if the visual images are coming across by the way it is written", BUT... It reads like the stream of consciousness of someone thinking about times spent with their lover that all of the objects make them think about, with a strong feeling that the speasker is holding or looking at theese objects, and reminiscing, as their love is away, but not too far away; the mmemories come across as too fond and content for that (with no trace of unhappiness)- it seems like their significant other is away at work, maybe at some kind of family time, and will be back soon...perhaps they'll return in a long time, but the speaker stays happy, because he knows they still have their love, and they *will* be together again. It suggests all of that. Realistic? Well, love does funny things...that's hard to judge. Especially because I'm know to be just a leeeetle sappy when I shift into "I want to hug the WORLD!" mode,, so I know full well I'm not impartial, BUT... I can definitely say that the first four lines read as dreamy, and perhaps "teen movie", but the second four read as more concrete (that's what suggests the most that there's some tangible aspect, probably the items the speaker [thinker?] listed...since there was a list of tangible things and all. )
AuroraAoD Posted September 16, 2008 Author Report Posted September 16, 2008 HAHAHA! Alright, thanks a lot Ozy! I appreciate your input!
Ozymandias Posted September 17, 2008 Report Posted September 17, 2008 To clarify: the dreaminess vs. solidity works very well for the poem, and you set it up in such a way that the two halves flow togther smoothly- don't change it!!! ...and you're very welcome. :>)
Vigil StarGazer Posted November 3, 2008 Report Posted November 3, 2008 Q:Well Im wondering if the visual images are coming across by the way it is written? A: By visual image I assume you mean do the reader visualize the objects being listed as your read the poem.... the answear is yes at the beginning. However because the third line isn't objects the imagary stops right there. Also it's a bit too ambitious to get a reader to imagine all these things going into their minds at once. Cutting a few objects would help thou. Q:Is there any feeling or does it feel like a grocery list? A: I can see how some of the objects are related. Charcoal? not so much. Q:Is it realistic? Or is it coming off as a corny teen movie? A: I think it's very origional and definately I haven't read any poem structured this way before. I can see why you would think it's sounds like a corny teen movie because you use these terms of endearment "My Dearest, Darling, Sweetheart, My Life, My Love, My Heart." and etc, but to be honest you can't be bias against young people. Old geezer like us use these words too! We just used them more maturely ; On the other hand the poem is very "bouncy" as it toss ideas so rapidly to the reader's face, and I do feel I'm too old to keep up. So maybe.
Harmonious_Echos Posted November 7, 2008 Report Posted November 7, 2008 Q:Is it realistic? Or is it coming off as a corny teen movie? A: I think it's very origional and definately I haven't read any poem structured this way before. I can see why you would think it's sounds like a corny teen movie because you use these terms of endearment "My Dearest, Darling, Sweetheart, My Life, My Love, My Heart." and etc, but to be honest you can't be bias against young people. Old geezer like us use these words too! We just used them more maturely ; On the other hand the poem is very "bouncy" as it toss ideas so rapidly to the reader's face, and I do feel I'm too old to keep up. So maybe. you use them more maturely.... I love that.... *ahem* Well I think it is good the way it is, too. I agree with q, it's a little 'teen dreamy' at first, and then closes more solidly, realistically, but hey, that's the way that Love is supposed to be, right? Starting off as a dreamy steamy huggy in-your-face PDA sort of thing, then slowly growing up and out into a sweeter, longer lasting thing....
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