No Other (Working titile)

[Silver WInd]

I like the basic idea behind this poem, but I feel over all it is weak and could use some work, any suggestions welcome

 

The world knew no other

song, then the twiter of birds

dancing upon the clouds

the brush of the wind through

trembling leaves within the trees.

 

A soft trickle from a gentle

flowing stream, and the thunderous

roar of a great waterfall,

oceans rapid beating waves.

 

The procussions of a

tunderstorm

wooodwind whistles

of will-o-wisps

and soft cymbol tinkaling

of rain drops.

Edited July 21, 2008 by Silver Wind

[Silver WInd]

Second draft:

 

The world knew no other song

but the twitter of the birds

dancing upon the clouds,

 

and there was no melody

but the brush of the wind

through trembling leaves

among the trees.

 

A soft trickle from a gentle

flowing stream resending

into the thunderous roar

of a great waterfall

or the oceans rapid beating waves.

 

A percussion of a thunderstorm

and woodwind whistles

from the will-o-wisps

falling with a soft cymbal tinkling

of rain drops,

 

these are the sounds

the songs, the melody

of the world.

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Silent is the owl’s flight, and silent the falling of the sheet of hastily scribbled verse that falls from its claws. Inspiration is a thing best not disturbed. But it is also a thing to be encouraged. The owl does not linger, but the words it carried remain, hanging in the stillness of the evening air.

 

Whispered songs

whose hushed and

certain notes

press against

the waiting ear

in tones at once

both tentative and sure

are songs that hold

in simple secrecy

the pain, the joy,

the mystery

of life, of world,

of wounded heart

and upturned lips

whose glee proves

to be at once

both disciplined

and pure.

 

And as the sheet completes its slow spiral to the floor of the Banquet Hall the air within the room stirs briefly with but the whisper of sound and movement:

 

A promising beginning, Silver Wind, and your revisions are a step in the right direction. Keep working with this piece.

 

Additional comments will be forthcoming.

[Silver WInd]

Thank you

[reverie]

You still got it Cyril.

 

as always am humbled by your presence.

 

rev...