whynotsin Posted June 26, 2008 Report Posted June 26, 2008 Words All she wants are my words, She asks for nothing but those words I whisper through parted lips. Indeed I’m indebted to her, And the tab is high All she wants or needs of me are my words Those solitary syllables strung together to form thoughts Held aloft with my voice, Carried through the air by the wind. I’m her servant her slave it would seem A loyal loving subject of her whims. Her name strays in and out of thought, Lingers for long moments, Then dissipates like fog. Her face and the shape of her legs. The long lines of her slender neck, Meeting the edge of her smile. Stays longer and dwells deep. All she wants and ever will need are my words. Whispered & cared for, held delicately in her hands. Those delicate parts of my soul, given in earnest for the purpose of her joy. In the end all I have are those words, and those words are me. Forming the core of my being. That I give to her. (give me some input guys this is due tomorrow so any ideas on improvement let me know. Thanks)
Silver WInd Posted July 9, 2008 Report Posted July 9, 2008 I really like it, I thought it was very tocuhing at the end. A rather interesting concept. It seemed to me to be about the muse.
Guest House Fletcher Posted July 17, 2008 Report Posted July 17, 2008 Sorry we seem to have missed your deadline. I like this. You have some really really good lines and some lines that sound a little bit contrived. You're using a lot of alliteration... is that the assignment, or part of your design, or merely by chance? This stanza is a good example of what I'm talking about: All she wants and ever will need are my words. Whispered & cared for, held delicately in her hands. Those delicate parts of my soul, given in earnest for the purpose of her joy. The first line is a little bit difficult with the language. "My words are all she wants or needs."// "My words are all she wants, and all she will ever need." are simpler versions. I guess I would go with the more traditional subject/predicate order here, but I think its for aesthetic reasons. Your implied subject in the second line here is a little bit confusing but still tenable. I also highlighted this stanza because the second two lines are my favorite of the poem. Your division of the sentence across two lines makes a lot of sense, and the poetry in the final line is rhythmic. The pseudo-rhyme here serves you well. It sounds simple and natural to my ear. Thanks for sharing
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