The Old Ones

[Silver WInd]

I feel there is something off about this poem, and that it is not quite complete. It is not strong enough for my personal taste, but I still like the overall concept of it, but I cannot put my finger on what is lacking.

 

Any suggestions welcome.

 

The Old Ones

 

We have lived for over 100 years

we know what has begun

but now we feel the end is near.

 

So alas we may finally rest

for so much that has been lost

we'll just fade away into the night,

 

night that will last for eternity

in the dark we can close our eyes

and never think again of what was compromised.

 

The earth is no longer ours

powerless we watched it taken

now at last they destroy themselves,

 

and release us from our bonds

to embrace the sweet oblivion

maybe soon there we can forget.

 

Our memories erased

and pain obliterated

of our loss and our guilt.

 

For all we should have been able

to rise our voice

strike a fist

 

but already weary

we let it pass

gave way to the dying age

 

now we just want to disappear

cling to some remaining visions

before the last remnants evaporate.

[Da_Yog]

It's interesting, I like the imagery, I'm just not quite sure where you are going with it. Is this a fictional piece or is this meant to be reflective of something in reality? Perhaps if you told me where you were going with it I might be better equipped to help you get there.

[Silver WInd]

It is sort of mythology based. The basic idea behind the poem is about an ancient and surperior race which had once lived long before man kind, but with the birth of humans, they began to be pushed out by the human race, and now humanity is destorying the world, and there is nothing those who lived before can do to stop it, and they are regretful that they did not try and act and stop mankind before it was too late.

[Da_Yog]

I think with this being more fantasy/mythology it would help if the readers were supplied with a stronger notion of this idea. Perhaps in the opening line if 100 were a larger number. If they predated humanity then perhaps 100,000 might be a better number. Considering homo-erectus has been around for at least 200,000 years then maybe even a larger number than that. Just a thought to get the reader on the right track.

 

There is a notion at work that, at least to the ancients, the afterlife is an emptiness. There also seems to be a connection between the ancients and humanity, as if they cannot pass beyond this life until the humans do. On a final note, the ancients seem to already have been too old at the dawn of man to prevent the inevitable from happening.

 

"I hope this help."

 

Did I really type this? LoL Lets try this again. I hope this helps. heehee

Edited June 24, 2008 by Da_Yog

[Silver WInd]

Thank you, it has given me something to think about and ponder over.

[Regel]

The earth is no longer ours

powerless we watched it taken

now at last they destroy themselves,

 

and release us from our bonds

to embrace the sweet oblivion

maybe soon there we can forget.

 

Our memories erased

and pain obliterated

of our loss and our guilt.

 

For all we should have been able

to rise our voice

strike a fist

 

but already weary

we let it pass

gave way to the dying age

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rage is not the domain of a superior race, especially if something as persistant as man nudges you into the great beyond. Perhaps the resignation comes as a result of an understanding that this might be part of a great cycle that has happened before and will happen again. The piece itself is interesting enough without the explaination Silver Wind but I would tend to agree with Da Yog.

[Silver WInd]

Thank you. I offered the explaination just to clearify Yog's questions.

 

Currently the poem is still a work in progress.