Quiet, or you'll wake the horses.

[Loki Wyrd]

Quiet, or you'll wake the horses.
Exposed to all that salty air and logic, the corners
of my eyes crawl with fingerprints folded
to muscae vitantes: flies caught in a window.

How do they get in to begin with?
Drawn by a sensation of the unexplored;
	  the heat set just right on their wings;
	  a desire to walk the contours
of the insides of eyelids?

Rigid stares bob in the wake of fishing boats
	off to their next spot, where the otter play without
naming their game.  A continuation of the waves.

 

 

------------------

 

2nd draft:

 

Quiet, or you'll wake the horses.
Exposed to salty air, logic crawls from corners
of the eye.  Fingerprints fold
to muscae vitantes: flies caught in a window.

How do they get in?
Drawn to the unexplored;
	  to revel in the rays of the sun;
	  to walk the contours of eyelids?

Open to look within.  without

Impending stares bob in the wake of fishing boats
	where otter play--a continuation of the waves.


And clouds lit up the sky.  Having waited
at the boat ramp since dusk, I hadn't anticipated
the sound of the rocket firing to take long to carry.
Action finally informed by a rumble on a cool night's 
breeze.

Edited June 17, 2008 by Loki Wyrd

[Loki Wyrd]

Tied into an impossible knot--

As if coincidence conquers all.

 

The last word converges, echo

algorithms searching through points

of a line. Where am I

on the grid? Part of the whole

 

folded over fold: memory, pattern

grown in the jostle & shifting

terrain of the senses. Significance

found in the interrelated coincidences.

Edited June 13, 2008 by Loki Wyrd

[Wyvern]

Very good poems, Loki Wyrd. :-) I take it that these two posts are meant to be read as seperate poems, and that the second post is not a continuation or revision of the first two? I really like your uses of form and language in these poems, as the arrangements of the words and stanzas stood out to me and made for an interesting read, In the first poem, I like the fragments of imagery and the order of the words dealing with the water, with the otter line standing out in particular. I'm not sure whether I like the original poem or the revised version of the poem better... the revised version trims some of the lines from the first version down effectively which makes for some stronger and more concise lines, but the new final stanza felt different in structure and tone from the rest of the poem and I'm not sure if I liked the sudden inclusion of the first person in that stanza. The poem in your second post is very well done as well, and I liked the way that you tied logic and emotion together in it, with "Where am I/ on the grid? Part of the whole" being a highlight to me.

 

Well done, Loki Wyrd. :-) I enjoyed reading these, thanks for sharing them here.

[Loki Wyrd]

Thank you for the reply, Wyvern. They are, in fact, separate poems; however, until I finish a poem I can never be certain what might happen to it. The last stanza on the 1st poem is still a work in progress. I made the other changes & then I had the urge to continue writing...we'll see where it leads.