The Almost Report Hoots its Battle Horns

[Wyvern]

The news cameras wobble unsteadily as they focus on what appears to be an image of the Tower of Elders, which has been “camouflaged” by a series of large potted plants from Gwaihir’s greenhouse meant to resemble a jungle of sorts. A kazoo medley blows somewhere in the background as Wyvern races onto the set, topless with cheap green scale dye that makes his chest look like a weed-infested crimson rose garden. The overgrown lizard tightens the “Born to Geld” belt strapped around his khakis, then adjusts the hardhat hanging uselessly on one of his horns and flashes a toothy sneer.

 

“Hi, and welcome to the latessst Almost Report.” Wyvern pulls out a bronze spittoon and slams it down on the wide leafy table in front of him. He grins and attempts to spit into it, but grunts as the spit falls short and dribbles down his chin. The overgrown lizard wipes the spit off his chin with his bare arm, then wipes his arm off on his khakis… smearing them with some of his rather worthless scale dye in the process. “*Ahem* Err, we’re just gearing up for the Pen’s recent necromantic conflict. In case you haven’t heard, here’s the situation.”

 

Wyvern shoves a bag of Almost Dragonic Brand Pedigree Rocks™ labeled “Catapult Fodder” to the side and reaches up beyond a fern plant, pulling down a semi-hidden projector screen. The screen remains blank for a few minutes before an overly complicated strategic diagram of squiggly lines and odd abbreviations begins flickering over its wavy surface. Wyvern snatches a thin tree branch leftover from the jungle décor and points it at the screen.

 

“At exactly 666 hour, ‘I <3 Wyvern’ Club founder and Almost Report eyesight minion Degorram departed from the Pen, apparently in search of an old archrival of great magical prowess. It has now been confirmed that the rival is planning a full scale necromantic assault on these quarters, and a red ink quill alert has been issued throughout the Pen.” Wyvern frowns as the unsturdy projector screen jolts upwards by itself. He drops his branch and points towards the cameras with the best Uncle Sam grin he can muster, looking something like a cross between a Rambo impersonator and a crocodile. “The Pen needsss you to aid us in the defense of our Keep, as well as in reclaiming Degorram and bringing her back to safety. Check the Conssservatory for all the latessst battle plans and details.”

 

Wyvern grunts and reaches into his pockets, pulling out some curly onion cheese doodle spread and streaking it over his cheeks like war paint. The overgrown lizard then saunters through the minor jungle of the Tower, halting as he arrives at a large bush where Spinky stands on guard.

 

“Of courssse, not all of the Pen's current newsss items are bleak calls to arms.” Wyvern winks towards the cameras, then signals to Spinky who shoves the bush aside, revealing a set of stairs and a hatch door that rests behind it. The overgrown lizard briefly compliments the troglyodyte on his choice of camouflage, ignoring Spinky’s grumblings about Jechum’s Exotic Forest and his lack of choice. He instructs the troglyodyte to direct CheerMynx to the hidden door, then turns back towards the cameras. “The Almost Report would alssso like to take this opportunity to host a belated celebration for Patham’s birthday. Hope ya had a great one, Patham!”

 

With that, Wyvern unlatches the door and steps into a small airy room filled with bright birthday decorations and colorful flyers, which provide a stark contrast to the dark jungle that encompasses the rest of the Tower. The reptilian reporter maneuvers around the once-grayish rug of Patham’s quarters and drops off an Almost Dragonic Brand Nocturnal Hoot Amplifier™ on the round wooden table of the room. Wyvern reaches into his khakis and tosses some more confetti, then glances up at the wide ceiling window/owl exit of the room and squints to see if he can spot any familiar feathers flying in the night sky.

[CheerMynx]

Wyvern’s sky-gazing was cut short when he heard a deafening squawk, following by the sound of flapping wings. A high pitched squeal followed the noises, growing louder as CheerMynx stumbled into the Tower, causing Wyvern to run out of Patham’s quarters to see what trouble his Almost Intern had gotten into this time.

 

The cheerline was dressed this week in a miniaturised version of a mini dress, cut to look like some sort of copy of a military uniform (in other words, it was camouflage green, had random badges on it and came with a matching hat). But – for once – Wyvern was more distracted at first not by what his Almost Intern was wearing, but what she was holding.

 

Clutched in the cheerline’s paws was a leash. Attached to the leash was a formerly white and currently very angry owl. The bird had been dipped in what looked to be the same scale dye that coated Wyvern, its flapping throwing flecks of the dye everywhere.

 

Letting out another enraged hoot, the owl noticed a window and began to flap harder as it tried to reach the exit. CheerMynx let out a yelp as she was almost pulled off her paws, clutching to the leash desperately. Taking advantage of the situation, Wyvern stumbled forward and grabbed CheerMynx to steady her.

 

“Errr, everything okay there, CheerMynxie?” he asked, suddenly very aware of how close he was to the Almost Intern.

“Ohmygawd thank you so much, Wyvie!” CheerMynx enthused.

“What...what’re you doing?”

“Well, like, since Dego was totally busy this week I thought maybe I should try get another kind of like seeing eye animal but you mentioned the theme was all top secrety and I thought like that an owl would be quieter and totally more discr...discrea....um, harder to notice?”

 

CheerMynx giggled, before she let out another yelp as the owl noticed the trap door and made a dive for it. The sudden change in direction tore the cheerline out of Wyvern’s grasp, forcing her to stumble along in a desperate effort to keep up. She almost had the knack of it, until the cheerline came across the stairs – or rather, the sudden lack of solid ground beneath her paws. CheerMynx screamed and let go of the leash as she struggled vainly for balance, losing the war and tumbling down the stairs with a crash.

 

When the dust had cleared, CheerMynx sat up and shook her head slowly, blind eyes appearing more dazed than normal. From Patham’s quarters, the sounds of an angry owl trashing the room could be heard amidst the outraged ‘hoots’. Wyvern looked from CheerMynx to the room, trying to decide which to attend to first, before the Almost Dragon turned back to the cameras and made a desperate ‘cutting’ motion with his claws.

 

The hoots and crashes lingered even after the cameras clicked to black.

[Degorram]

*I can't take credit for this post. the idea was Wyv's*

 

The black screen blips back on and the image of a dark clearing shows up. Torches all around the perimeter provide a dim lighting to the scene. In the center of the clearing sits a clear box, in which Degorram is stuffed quite unceremoniously.

 

A tall man in a robe steps into the image and smiles evilly. With a foot he shoves the box out of the picture, Degorram yelling from within some foreign and probably deadly obscenity. The Necromancer lifts a pinky to the side of his mouth and grins. "I have your friend captive. If you want her back, you will have to comply with my demands!" He raises a long fignered hand dramatically. "First! The Pen Keep will surrender and all pennites will become my slaves. Second! My spirits will be given full rule of the forest. And third, you will provide me with a ransom of...." he begins to chuckle darkly "....one....MILLION dollars!!!" he cries, and breaks into a loud, 'evil' laugh.

 

A shadowy minion steps into the picture and coughs nervously. "Um, sir...." it hisses.

 

The Necromancer breaks off laughing and sighs heavily, looking at the soldier. "Yes, WHAT is it now?!?"

 

"One million dollars isn't a lot of money anymore," the minion says, shuffling its rotted feet.

 

"Yeah, you IDIOT!" a muffled voice comes from where the box lies out of sight.

 

"Silence!!" the Necromancer shrieks. "Alright then." He sighes and straightens his robes, again facing the screen with a dramatic, evil stare. "You will provide me a ransom of.....ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!!!!" He again breaks into the evil laugh, as does the minion at his side.

 

Over the laughter, a muffled voice screams: "YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT!!!!"

[Wyvern]

The screen goes black to the sound of Dego's muffled voice, then flickers back on to a shot of the aftermath of the latest Almost Report. The green scale dye splattered around the Tower of Elders makes it look more like a proper jungle than it did prior to CheerMynx's entrance, though the occasional traces of owl feathers call the authenticity of the habitat into question. Wyvern crawls on his hands and knees across a corner of the room with a toothbrush in claw, hissing to himself as he scrubs away at the spots of paint as best as he can. He pauses and sighs as the owl begins squacking and flapping its wings again, watching it as it flaps around in its position tied to a potted tree.

 

"Like, how's it coming Wyvie?" CheerMynx stretches in her position seated on the meeting table of the Tower, one striped leg crossed over the other, the dazed look now gone from her blind eyes. She files her nails instinctively as she speaks, relying on touch and routine as the owl minion hoots its way left right around the tree. "Sure you don't need any help?"

 

"Oh no no, you take it easssy CheerMynxie. Like I sssaid *ahem*, I wanna earn a new merit badge."

 

Wyvern grins dumbly at the thought of CheerMynx handing him one of her badges and jitters as he contemplates exactly how much of the cheerline's outfit the badges are pinning together. He glances up at the Almost Intern in the hopes of working out the finer details of the dress, but drops the plan and goes blank as the sight of one of CheerMynx's legs swaying back and forth sends him into a miniature trance of sorts. The incessant hooting and squacking of the owl eventually breaks Wyvern from his hypnosis, and the lizard shakes his head and sets about scrubbing in double time.

 

"I'm callin' it a day, Wyv." Spinky raises a webbed hand as he passes by, then pauses and stares down at the reptilian Elder. He sniffs at the air for a moment and raises a brow. "Say, why do I smell...? Wyvern, that isn't Bruteweiser you're using to scrub the Tower floor is it?"

 

"No, of courssse not... It's Bruteweiser and ssspit." Wyvern dips his toothbrush back into his spitoon, then glances up at Spinky and sticks his snout up at the troglyodyte's glum expression. "Well waddaya expect me to ussse? Water?!"

 

;-)

[Hjolnai]

Just as Wyvern is contemplating finishing up for the day, a large, blue-skinned demon walks into the room, covering the floor with the rubbish coating its unfortunate feet. It intones, "My master wishes me to say- Ha! I didn't have to say the rest because I left before he could command me further!" The demon then vanishes, only to reappear suddenly, this time somewhat cleaner, and bearing a scroll. This time, it says, "My 537'th master for today bids me to give you this scroll... but he only asked, and didn't command, so I'll be keeping it for myself!" Then, the luckless demon vanishes, summoned to its 538'th master for the day, leaving behind a faint smell of purple, and a rubbery feeling to the air. The recording camera, unable to cope with so much excitement, falls apart, in a manner which seems so simple to look at, but the wreckage looks like it might take weeks to repair.