Silver WInd Posted May 29, 2008 Report Posted May 29, 2008 The Death of a Swan Stolen waters frozen in time by winters breath chilled tombs the houses of the dead beauty found among the graves rigid they stand in the wake But a hush with ghost like appeal in the way the feathers dance corpse like elegance for the ones that are symbols of romance Gentle are the leaves that scatter adrift upon the water where reflections gaze back with the eyes of the moon and death But to embrace this sweet darkness feel the pulse it offers here there dwells the deep true soul.
Loki Wyrd Posted June 17, 2008 Report Posted June 17, 2008 I didn't notice what level of feedback you wanted, so I hope you don't mind me tinkering. Some suggestions follow... The Death of a Swan Stolen waters frozen in time winter's breath chills the houses of the dead beauty found among the graves Rigid hush the feather's dance speak of ghosts elegance wrought in immortality, thread by romance Gentle are the leaves that scatter adrift upon the water reflections gaze back with the eyes of the moon and death But to embrace this sweet darkness feel the pulse it offers here dwells the deep true soul.
Silver WInd Posted June 18, 2008 Author Report Posted June 18, 2008 No I do not mind, but the revised version has too much of a "contemporary" look and feel to it for my usual personal taste. I will write in more contemporary styles and forms only on rare occasions and when I am using it to make a specific point.
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