The Almost Report Wigs Out at CM's HQizzy, Yo

[Wyvern]

The news cameras wobble back and forth as they focus in on CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ, rattling to the loud synthesizer beat that pounds away in the background. The cheerline’s quarters seem to have gone through a good deal of cultural leeching for this report, with Almost Dragonic Brand Velcro Graffiti Advertisement Tags™ hanging from the walls and gang colored pompoms lining the shelves. A poster for the Ultramagnetically Attractive Masters of Sorcery hangs on the wall behind CheerMynx’s bed, which has been decked out to resemble some sort of big wheel SUV with spinning copper rims. The cameras hesitantly aim their focus at Wyvern, who sits on the edge of the car-bed wearing a tasteless gold paint stain jacket and torn tight leather jeans. The overgrown lizard cradles a giant boombox under his right wing, and raises a claw to adjust his gigantic black sunglasses and enormous “Almost Dragonic Inc” obsidian chain before turning to the cameras.

 

“Greetingssss all you impressionable pennite youngsters, and welcome to YO! Almost Report Rapssss. I’m your hip jivin master of the ceremony, Wyvmettic, bringin you all the latessst hiss hop hits.” Wyvern throws up a claw sign as G. Diddy’s “Goblin Gotta Make That Money” begins blaring from his boombox speakers. “That’sss right, we’re puttin’ it down for the four elements of hiss hop this evening: geld, scantily clad women, celebrity status, and biting. Keepin it funky styyyyylin fresh for all you Almost Dragonic Brand Product consssumers out there.”

 

Wyvern shifts himself off of CheerMynx’s bed, tottering a bit as the collective weights of the boombox and the obsidian chain barely manage to balance him out. The overgrown lizard nods to the cameras, then lumbers over to a set of Almost Dragonic Brand Used Shield Turntables™ resting on a girlish CheerMynx makeup table. Wyvern pulls up his tail stinger and places it on a record, then begins scratching up the vinyl with his claws… which shreds it and causes it to skip in only a matter of seconds.

 

“Big upsss to fellow hiss hop celeb AshtonBlades, keepin’ it ultra-gangsta-street with the B-day flavah.” Wyvern throws up another claw sign as G. Diddy’s “Goblin Gotta Make That Money Again” begins bumping on his boombox. “And ssspeakin of B-days, the Almost Report’s got a special gift for bigshot illusionary celebrity Jechum. Worrrrd up, tell’em Lil’ Spinky!”

 

Wyvern strikes a crooked B-boy pose as a news box appears in the upper right-hand corner of the screen. The box screeches with static for a moment, then tunes into the image of a troglyodyte with a microphone and a set of ridiculous silver clip on teeth. He waves a webbed hand to the screen and hollers:

 

“Thanks Wyv! The Almost Dragonic Hiss Hop Home Makeover Team and I are wandering through Jechum’s Exotic Forest in search of the former Loremaster’s cottage as we speak...” Spinky raises a fist and lets out an enthusiastic cheer, then clears his throat and frowns. “But errr, we’re completely lost. Help!”

 

The news box in the right-hand corner promptly reverts back to static. Wyvern lets out a nervous laugh and snaps one of his claws, causing the little box to vanish from the screen. He then attempts to strut back in the direction of the car-bed, which ends up being more of a hobble due to his heavy rock chain and boombox. The reptilian reporter starts beatboxing in an attempt to save street cred, his “beat” sounding something like a broken gas main in the middle of a snake pit.

 

“*HISShissHISShisshissHISSHISShiss* and ya don’t ssstop.” Wyvern stops beatboxing on cue as his forked tongue gets tied up, and spits out some ash in the hopes of undoing the knot. “*Ahem* In further hip happenin newsss, Degorram has issued an official statement in resssponse to recent orange quill alert rumors. Ain’t no necromancers got rims like us, sonny G!”

 

Wyvern throws up yet another claw sign as G. Diddy’s “Goblin Gotta Make That Money Again Part 2” begins banging from his speakers. He sets the boombox down on the edge of CheerMynx’s car-bed and flexes his wings to prepare for a bit of hiss hop dancing, casually tilting his head towards the cameras and lowering his shades. The shades proceed to slip from his snout and shatter on the floor, causing him to cringe.

 

“And ssspeaking of Degorram, ssstay tuned for Hiss Hop Hotties. Or will it be CheerMynx this week…? Errr, not sure, at least I think there’ll be someone… maybe?”

 

A worried expression falls over Wyvern’s face, destroying any vague semblance of cool he may have achieved over the course of the rest of the Report. The reptilian Elder grunts and hops downward in the hopes of demonstrating a few hiss hop styles to distract folks from his uncertain look. Unfortunately, the weight of his enormous chain and its impact with the ground give a whole new meaning to the term “breakdancing…”

[CheerMynx]

"Wyvie? Like, you he-OW!" CheerMynx's voice rang out through the corridor, causing the Almost Dragon to look up from the floor with an overly hopeful expression. The smile that burst across his face shattered the last remnants of his “cool” as the cheerline turned into her room and bounced off the door.

 

“Gawd, who put that there,” she muttered, rubbing her muzzle before sticking her paws out to fend for obstacles as she made her stumbled way across the room.

“Wyvie?”

 

“CheerMynx! Hi!” Wyvern discarded the boombox and chain as he leapt to his feet and rushed to aid the Almost Intern, babbling excitedly. “How are ya doin? It looksss like you’re adapting well to this whole ssssightless thing, I can’t sssee any bandages or casts or anything! Nice cosssstume by the way...”

 

“Costume?” CheerMynx blinked and tilted her head. The cheerline was dressed in a shimmery silver satin tracksuit, the trousers hanging so low off her hips it looked like only her tail was holding them up, while the top looked as if the entire lower half had been torn off, barely covering her chest. With her hair tied up in a messy ponytail, the end result had CheerMynx looking like an escapee from a Will Smith music video.

 

“Oh! Well, like, I actually didn’t get your memo about the theme, I mean I did but I totally couldn’t read it, but Sandy said to wear this and then my top got caught in a door and ripped but she said it was totally cool. I’m glad you like it!” CheerMynx beamed, before she sat down a few inches shy of her bed and slid to the floor.

 

“So! I was like thinking about getting a new minion and I have to say I totally think Dego would be good but we need to like sort out a contract? I mean, will she get another budget to outfit her? Cos I don’t think sharing mine would work. Ooooooor she could just turn into something small but do we agree on something first off or change it every week but we’d still have to like pay her or something right and I just, like, totally don’t know, Wyvie. Do you have any ideas?”

 

“Uh,” Wyvern swallowed as he tried to process the cheerline’s speech, but his brain seemed to have gotten stuck on the idea of losing more money. While the Almost Dragon was still trying to get his head around the ideas that had been rambled to him, an alarm began to ring. Or rather, purr.

 

“Ugh!” CheerMynx fumbled at the pink fluffy critter watch on her wrist and turned it off. “I’m, like, TOTALLY sorry Wyvie but I gotta go and deal with some, like, late applications I got? Anyway, could you like pretty please think about what we’re gonna do for this whole minion thing? Also, I promised you I’d make it up to you about how much of a flake I’ve been lately so here!”

 

CheerMynx took a voucher and held it out in Wyvern’s direction, waiting for him to snatch it up before she began to clamour to her paws and stumble for the door. Wyvern’s jaw dropped at the voucher’s first line, before it closed with a snap at the footnote written underneath in a tidy handwriting that must have belonged to CheerMynx’s more controlled counterpart:

 

One Free (PG-13) Cheer/Dance for a Very Special Wyvern!

Redeemable Anytime

“Uuuh, thankssss CheerMynx!” Wyvern looked up as his brain struggled to figure out what “PG-13” would limit, but the loud bangs outside the room indicated Almost Intern had already begun her brail-like progress down the hall.

[Wyvern]

Wyvern slowly sways back and forth in CheerMynx's wake, bling-less and stereo-less, a dumb toothy smile plastered across his face and the cheerline's voucher cradled like a newborn kitten in his claws. He hisses a happy sigh as he presses the little paper to his scaly chest, letting his forked tongue roll out and not noticing the news box that reappears in the right-hand corner of the screen. Wyvern gibbers happily to himself as Lil' Spinky's distressed silver-toothed visage appears on the mini-screen.

 

"Wyvern? Wyvmettic?! Are you there?!" Lil' Spinky reaches up with a webbed hand and taps the screen of the news box, causing a brief spurt of static. "Mayday! Mayday! The trickster sprites of Jechum's Forest! No sign of target cottage. I repeat, the trickster sprites - hello? Wyv, are you there?!"

 

The news box goes back to static as Wyvern carefully creases the final fold on CheerMynx's voucher, tucking it neatly into the front pocket of his jeans. The overgrown lizard rolls his eyes to the ceiling and savors the sensation of having his favorite Almost Intern back on the Report, though the thought of what "applications" she might be filling out does trigger a nagging fear of rival news networks in his brain. He snaps a claw absent-mindedly, causing the news box to disappear again, and wanders over to the bed with the spinning rims. He leans back against its bumper-stickered edge, next to where CheerMynx had accidentally sat, and drools for a few seconds as he contemplates whether the cheerline's trousers had been designed to be tail-lifted or if they had just ended up looking that way.

 

Wyvern's reverie is finally broken as G. Diddy's "Goblin Gotta Make That Money Again Part 2 (Remix)" begins playing from his discarded boombox in the background, causing him to throw up a claw and shift back into hiss hop hero mode. The lizard nods his head to the beat and grins over the thought of Degorram as CheerMynx's versatile sight minion, only to cringe as he calculates the additional costs in his head. He lifts himself to his feet and scratches his horn over the Dego-outfit price dilemma, tapping his tail on the ground and moving over to a counter with a pink heart-shaped notepad that had obviously been overlooked when it came to the hiss hop decor. Wyvern grabs a sheet from the pad and a bright purple quill, then thinks for a moment before scribbling:

 

Yo yo, ballin G the Dego outfit show doe. Snick the rim for the Apar-oe, take it uppity don't drop'em dere doe. Hiff a five on dat sucka, dragon'it wit no swear yo. Any lil' macky rucka, always ad and blare show. No addy dragon'nick, don't even take'em dare blow. Freestyle, OFF THE TOP O' DA DOME!

 

Wyvern slowly nods to himself as he reads back over the official policy, then picks up a bright red quill and decides to edit it for clarity.

 

Degorram, hereby to be referred to as "Dego" for cuteness value on the Report, shall have a small budget for mini minion outfits UNDER A STRICT CONDITION. The 5% of the Report's funds that will go into the outfits must ONLY BE USED for Almost Dragonic Brand Apparel™. This may include: mini-billboards for specific Almost Dragonic Brand Products, outfits with ads for specific Almost Dragonic Brand Products, outfits that are actual Almost Dragonic Brand Products, or other variations of this ad policy. Should an outfit not be sported on a Report, or should the clause of this contract be broken, the 5% of profits for that Report will instantly go back into the Report's scheming fund.

 

Wyvern grins over the policy and holds the heart-shaped page its written on up to the light to read, then hisses.

 

"Now, to deliver this to Degorram. Ssspinky, would ya mind taking this down to Dego's quarters?"

 

Wyvern pauses and turns, scratching his horns as he realizes the reliable troglyodyte is nowhere to be seen.

 

"Spinky?"

[Degorram]

Degorram looked up from the book she had been reading, How to be Cheerful, as her door shook under a large knock. Sighing she put the book on her table and stood, walking over to the door as it trembled under another pounding. She counted a few seconds, then pulled the door open sharply and stepped to the side.

 

The momentum of his fist pulled Wyvern into the room with a loud "Yipessss!" and he collapsed in a heap on the floor.

 

Degorram raised an eyebrow. "Hi Wyvern," she said. "Nice of you to drop in." Wyvern groaned, but whether his pain was caused by the fall or her bad joke, Degorram couldn't really tell. "Is there something I can help you with?"

 

Wyvern stood and brushed his scales off. "Yesss," he said. "Cheer and I have decided that you'd make an excellent minion." He looked up for Degorram's reaction and received a slow blink. "We haven't ssssorted out all the detailssss yet, of coursssse," he said hastily, "but I've written up thissss little document concerning the pay you'll receive for cosssstumessss." He handed her a slip of paper that was shaped like a heart and still had traces of sparkles from the notepad.

 

Degorram took the paper and smiled quirkily. "Your own personal stationary, Wyvern?" She scanned the words quickly, then handed the paper back to the almost dragon. "I don't have a problem with it," she said. "I just have a few requests...nay, conditions, of my own."

 

"And what would thosssse be?" Wyvern asked.

 

Degorram leaned in closer to Wyvern's face, frowning. "I will wear no pink, no sparkles, no pompoms, and no frills unless I am directly impersonating Cheer herself. I will be fully covered and I will pick out my own outfits," she thundered. "I do hope that's not too harsh."

 

"N-n-no..." Wyvern gulped. "Perfectly fine."

 

Degorram leaned back and nodded, smiling a little. Then she cocked her head and stared at Wyvern. "What are you wearing?"

[Wyvern]

"Thissss?" Wyvern raises a claw to his gold paint-stained jacket and sticks his snout up haughtily. "Why, this is only the finest line of hiss hop jacket, err, yo. Forreals. It's got a unique hand-designed flourish that originates from this one time when I tried to steal a really big vat of gold paint..."

 

Wyvern stretches his wings and grabs the edges of his jacket, posing with it in retro hiss hop style as his tail swing back and forth from one of the many holes in his jeans. Wyvern clears his throat and stops posing when he notices that Degorram has a hand lifted to her forehead, then coughs a bit deliberatly and extends a claw.

 

"Anyway, it'ssss agreed then Dego." Wyvern sneers as he shakes the shapeshifter's hand. "And you shouldn't have to worry much about wearing skimpy garbs, since you shouldn't be much bigger than a breadbox most o'the time anyway! Though I warn ya, I may have to create a line of plush lil' Dego minion dolls to market... that's non-negotiable, by the way."

 

Wyvern snickers and flaps his wings, then bows to Degorram and darts out of the room, dashing down the hall in the hopes of spying a little more CheerMynx before the night is out.

[Degorram]

As the gold clad almost-dragon hobbled out of the room, Degorram paused in thought, a glazed look filling her eyes. "Dego mini plushies...." she thought dreamily. "A Dego in every home." She chuckled and turned away, heading towards her bedroom to fetch a quill and piece of paper, passing the book she had left and leaving it where it lay. She didn't need a book to tell her how to be cheerful now.