The Almost Report is Mightier than the Loremaster's Sword

[Wyvern]

Static shrieks across the screen in cacophonous waves, offering a vague distortion of an image somewhere in the background. Faint troglyodyte cries begin ringing through the static, along with the crashing of camera equipment and a girlish almost dragonic scream. The static parts for a split second to the image of Wyvern shoving a news camera away from what appears to be a large shadowy jackal, which is growling at the lizard and preventing him from going very far by placing a large paw on the lizard’s tail. Wyvern begins stammering as the screen is reduced to pure static again, which flares and buzzes for several minutes before an Almost Dragonic Brand Cardboard Technical Difficulties Sign™ is displayed at a crooked angle across the camera lens.

 

After a painfully long wait, a webbed hand reaches up and pulls the Technical Difficulties Sign away from its position covering the screen, revealing a nice wide office space with several “Pen is Mightier than the Sword” insignias dotting the desk, walls, and majestic domed ceiling of the quarters. Aside from the emphasis on quills and pens, the room falls mostly into an old Egyptian style of décor, with onyx jackal guardian statues lining the satin-curtained walls. Fancy gold-tinted lamps hang from the arms of the statues and light the room in a moody hue of orange, and the tiled floor features numerous runes and hieroglyphics of historical Pen events. Barely visible in the lower right-hand corner of the room is a skull-shaped mouse hole, which has piles of tiny bones littered around it.

 

“Greetingsss *cough* and welcome to the latest *ow* Almost Report.”

 

Wyvern drags himself from behind one of the curtains in the back of the room, revealing his latest excuse for a fashion statement. The paper mache Egyptian headdress and miniature copper tiger medallion do little to hide the scrapes and bruises that cover the lizard’s scales and snout. He shuts his eyes and groans for a moment, then raises a claw to his snout and hisses:

 

“*Oww* We were gonna give you an exclusssive invasion of Ozymandias’ personal quarters this evening, but I guessss his shadow jackal guardiansss decided that breaking into Ozy’s place would qualify as malice on our part, ssso we had to make some last minute changes of plans.” Wyvern reaches into his pockets and begins applying tiny Almost Dragonic Brand Baby Sprite Bandaids™ to his bruises with a grimace. “So instead, we’re *ow* reporting to you live from Ozymandias’ Loremaster Office in a not-so-exclusive *ow* look at the business quarters of the Pen’sss esteemed founder, in honor of his imminent birthday. Happy birthday Ozy! I hope ya have a great one, jackalsss and all...”

 

Wyvern strikes a painful grin and sets an Almost Dragonic Brand Paper Cut Cutter™ (guaranteed to cut paper cuts in half, or a quarter of your paper back) on Ozymandias’ otherwise organized desk. He then hobbles his way over to the generously cushioned Loremaster desk chair, applying handfuls of tiny bandaids to his snout with every step.

 

“Sssspeaking of Ozymandiasss, fantasy film buffs and those puzzled by recent promotions rumors should be certain to check the latest coming attractions in the Cabaret Room’s film-viewing quarters.” Wyvern cringes a little as he compresses his aching wings to a seat-friendly state, baring his teeth and forcing another razor sharp grin. “Congratulationsss go out to Yog, DL Snake, and the Researcher for their recent rank boosts. Here’s hopin you’ll all be around for many taxable promotions to come!”

 

Wyvern bites his lower lip as he slowly eases his way into Ozymandias’ easy chair, tensing up at the collective cramp of the scratches across his rear scales. The overgrown lizard drags up his tail, the stinger of which has been painted a light shade of gold to compliment his costume, and scoots forward in his seat.

 

“In further Pen newsss, the Almost Report would like to extend a belated ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ to pennite momsss. Feel free to share tales of heroic mothers at Savage Dragon’s Cabaret Mother’s Day booth if yer interested.” Wyvern continues to stick clawfuls of Almost Dragonic Brand Baby Sprite Bandaids™ over his scales, looking more like an almost dragonic mummy by the minute. “Or if mother storiesss aren’t yer cup of tea, why not pay a visit one of the Pen’s other recent activities, such as Lurkers Anonymuse, the ‘Why Does…’ challenge booth, or Pen dungeon dragon doodles? Plenty o’ geld-making opportunities to be had.”

 

Wyvern pauses for a moment to reach over to the well-organized stacks of papers on Ozymandias’ desk, flipping through them in the hopes of finding some info on the Mighty Pen treasury. All the reptilian reporter gets is a couple of grains of sand stuck in his claws.

 

“*Ahem* And another reminder that our Almost Intern is still searching for an eyesight minion… maybe, I think, not 100% sure.” Wyvern strikes a nervous grin to the camera and sticks some more mini-bandages to his scales, cringing inwardly at the extent of his recent interactions with CheerMynx on the Report. He mumbles something about how he hopes that the cheerline hasn’t gotten tired of him yet, then whimpers over having not had time to see her last outfit given her rush to depart from the Chapel of Repentence. He raps his claws on the polished desktop, adding a few new dents to the pricey piece of furniture. “I s'pose we'll see sssoon enough. CheerMynx and more, coming up next... Ssstay tuned.”

[Degorram]

Degorram stared down at the scribbled map in front of her. There were two reasons it was impossible to decipher: one, it had been penned in a frilly pink ink that sparkled, and two, the one who had drawn it was obviously blind. On the side, in a curly and slightly uncertain hand, was written a note.

 

Hiii Dego!

Like, something TOTALLY came up so could you take care of things for me this week? You could like, consider it a trial or job interview or something!

Good luck!

xx

~CM

 

She couldn't help it. The corner of her mouth quirked up and she chuckled. Then with a renewed determination, she scanned the paper covered with pink squiggles for a clue.

 

There! At the top left corner there was a star labeled "Ozzzzy's Rmm". Again Dego laughed. The words had been spelled correctly, but in the trouble of writing them blindly some of the letters had been squashed together.

 

"To Ozzy's Room then," Dego muttered with a wolfish grin.

 

****

 

"Come...*ow*....in," Wyvern said as there was a knock on the door to Ozzy's office. There was Cheer now! His tail stinger trembled a little at the thought, the gold catching his eye and making him jump. In pursuit of what had been geld to his slightly swollen eyes, he fell out of his chair into a heap of pain.

 

"OWWW!"

 

Dego stood in the doorway, watching Wyvern wrestle with his tail as he sought to get a better look at the stinger, his grunts of exertion interrupted periodically by whimpered "ows". "Have I come at a bad time, Wyvern love?"

 

Wyvern froze and looked up at the strange voice. "You're not Cheer," he said, puzzled.

 

Dego smirked. Not yet... she thought. There was a quivering about her body as the molecules shifted and suddenly Cheer Mynx was standing there, clad in shimmery pink.

 

Wyvern stared. "Nice......trick....."

[Wyvern]

Wyvern grunts as he shoves himself into an upright position on the office floor, twisting his snout into a pained expression and suppressing his inner fears at CheerMynx's absence by observing Degorram's rendition of the cheerline. Wyvern raises a claw to his chin and slowly nods as he looks over the Almost Intern clone in front of him, pulling out a quill and jotting down notes as he winces over his neck pains.

 

"Yesss, very nice trick indeed. I mean, the ears could be a little pointier, the tail isn't quite as curled, the fur could have more distinctive stripes, a few whiskers are missing and there are far too many articles of clothing for it to actually be realistic... but overall, a mossst impressive display Degorram. Well done.'"

 

Wyvern applauds, then reaches under Ozymandias' desk and pulls out a sign labeled "7", which he proceeds to hold over his head. The overgrown lizard snickers and grins as the shapeshifter squeals in true CheerMynx fashion and jumps up and down over the high score in a short victory dance. Wyvern watches her delight for a moment more, then goes back to scribbling notes on his sheet... only to pause as a wicked thought suddenly crosses his mind. The reptilian reporter glances at his sheet, then at Degorram's imitation of CheerMynx, then back at his sheet again.

 

"Of coursssse, if you really wanted to sub for CheerMynx on this Report, you'd demonssstrate your personal cheerleader performance abilities with an exotic dance." Wyvern's quill snaps on his sheet and his eyes bug out a bit as his excitement gets the best of him. He clears his throat loudly in an effort to calm down. "You know, like errr, an Egyptian dance... cus that's the theme of the evenin and stuff."

 

Wyvern strikes a toothy grin and looks up at Dego-CheerMynx with hopeful eyes.

 

"Like, a private highly exotic Egyptian dancccce maybe...?"

 

;-)

[Degorram]

The Cheer Mynx clone, breaking from character, immidiately stopped smiling and took on a very Dego-ish scowl. "Yessss," she growled, eyes sparking. "But of course, like, Wyvie. And after that, like, lets go get some curtains and, like, play with those. It was ever so much, like, fun last time!"

[Kikuyu_Black_Paws]

Kikuyu walked into Ozzy's office, twirling a kuunai in one hand and re-reading her manuscript in another. She opened her mouth to announce herself, but her skin prickled with the feel of more than one person. She looked up and froze in mid-step, her eyes widening.

 

Degorram was standing on one end of the room, morphed into Cheer Mynx. Something snapped in Kikuyu's brain as she stared at her dark and usually depressive twin done up in pink and pom poms.

 

The ninja's eyes slipped slowly to Wyvern, also very awkward looking with his tail painted gold and his neck twisted and bruised. He was blushing slightly and rubbing his nose, sometimes glancing back at his ever so shiny tail.

 

Kikuyu blinked, looked at the ceiling, and slowly turned around. She walked out of the room again without a word.

[Wyvern]

Wyvern stammers as his eyes widen over Dego-CheerMynx's words, his gelded tail stinger flopping uselessly to the side as he suddenly loses all interest in it. The overgrown lizard temporarily forgets about the shapeshifting nature of the cheerline-ish figure standing before him, somehow overlooking her scowl and not even noticing Kikuyu's entrance or exit as he lifts himself to his feet in a stiff and robotic manner.

 

"I-i-i-i-i-it wasss?" Wyvern croaks before blowing a bit of steam from his nostrils. The lizard's scales seem to stand on edge. "W-w-w-well, I mean uh sssure! Why don't - how 'bout y-you p-p-p-practice the d-dancccce moves while I jussst umm, y'know, get us some c-c-curtains!"

 

Wyvern nods vigorously, failing to suppress an almost dragonic squeal of excitement as he hobbles over to the gorgeous set of satin curtains hanging at the back of Ozymandias' office. He lifts an aching claw and tugs at them, accidentally getting his wing tips caught in the delicate fabric and cursing to himself. He strains to glance over at what Dego-CheerMynx is doing as his claws move too deeply into the curtain fixtures, failing to catch a glimpse as the position of his tail stinger makes part of a curtain snag in his scales.

 

"L-l-lemme just- *grunt*" Wyvern twists his snout as the fabric gets more and more tangled in his scales. "- g-g-get thessse c-curtainsss down so we can *grunt*"

 

Wyvern tugs on the fabric harder in desperation, gritting his teeth as he pulls on it with all his might. He tumbles backwards and yells out as the expensive curtains at the rear of Ozy's office come avalanching down on him, completely burying him in satin fabric with only the tip of his geld-toned tail stinger sticking from the edge of the curtain pile. A long moment of silence passes before a faint hiss is heard from under the mountain of decor:

 

"i... am NOT payin for thisss."