The Almost Report Totally Stains Glass Windows

[Wyvern]

The news cameras focus on a single flickering flame lit at the end of a twisted candle, which seems to burn only upward without any sign of shifting movements. The cameras pull back to reveal a table holding several of said lit candles, with a geld sack design tablecloth laid out under them to catch any dripping wax for future product use. Standing behind the table is a figure draped in a dark monk hood, who raises his claws over the candles and hisses:

 

“Sssspenders, repent!” Wyvern tosses back the hood on his head, ripping it on his horns and striking a sleazy salesman grin. The overgrown lizard grabs one of the candles from the table and points at it with a claw. “Sale, ssale, ssssale! Why spend tons of geld on proper chapel candlesss when you can invest in Almost Dragonic Brand Petrified Worm Coil Candles™?! Only 80 geld for a dirt pile set. Thissss offer won’t last long, so order yours today!”

 

Wyvern’s sneer is reduced to a grimace when his “limited time only” offer proves to be a little too accurate. He watches as the burning tip of the wick falls from the top of the candle he’s holding, his eyes widening as it lands on the tablecloth and causes it to immediately combust into flames. The overgrown’s lizard gawks and stammers for a moment, then pulls the cloth off the table and tosses it onto the ground, stomping on it and creating a mixture of melted wax and large un-petrified worms. Smoke fills the screen for several minutes as the sounds of Wyvern’s stomping grows louder and louder, until finally a silence falls over the darkened chapel. The last echoes of the stomping are heard faintly in the background as Wyvern’s snout pokes out from the smoke. The overgrown lizard coughs a bit and flicks a slow-moving worm from one of his horns, then clears his throat and turns to the cameras.

 

“Take 2? *ahem* Welcome to the Almost Report, reporting to you live from William Azunost’s Chapel of Repentence in another of our exclusive inside looks.” Wyvern waves a claw to the scenery of the quarters, only to frown as he realizes that the smoke is clouding it all up. He begins batting his wings in an effort to fan the smoke away. “Eheheheh, soon to be an exclusive inside look that is. That’s right, annnyyy second now…”

 

The smoke begins to clear around Wyvern, revealing several rows of simple-looking pews and a corner confession box or two. The smoke slowly parts away from the majestic stained glass window at the head of the chapel, displaying the powerful image of a winged figure with a halo and flaming sword… except that the glass of the window has been painted over to make the angel look like Wyvern brandishing a flaming Almost Dragonic Brand Petrified Worm Coil Candle.™ The ugly amateur paint job not only makes the image on the window a shadow of its former self, but blocks the sunlight from really streaming in, leaving a good deal of the chapel in darkness. Wyvern observes the window for a long moment, squaring his claws and striking a proud sneer. The lizard then licks his lips and turns back towards the cameras.

 

“In current Pen news, an orange quill alert has gone up around the Keep as a Necromancer Invasion Alert has been issued by Degorram and Kikuyu Black Paws. The situation could apparently become very serious… how serious, you ask?” Wyvern droops his scales and groans for a moment. “I actually ran through the rain to calm Kikuyu down over it. That’s how serious…”

 

Wyvern shudders over the thought of getting wet again, instinctively patting down his scales to wipe off any H2O that could be clinging to them. The reptilian reporter then raises the back on his monk uniform to give his tail some breathing room in a non-family friendly manner, and begins wandering down the pews of the chapel towards the window.

 

“Rumor hasss it that the Necromancer threat and orange quill alert are accountable for the lateness of Pen promotionsss, which were supposed to have occurred at the beginning of last month but have yet to be seen.” Wyvern pauses and scratches his chin for a moment, wondering if his sources check their facts. “Anyway, to fight off this necromantic entity, we’ll need as much pennite help as we can get. Which is why I recommend Snypiuer’s successful lurker rehab organization, Lurker’s Anonymuse. Check yourself in, and become an idol by un-idle-izing yerself!”

 

Wyvern winks to the cameras, then gestures towards the old oak confession booths that rest at a corner near the window. The overgrown lizard’s tail wags left and right as he motions in their direction, revealing more dollar sign boxer shorts than the cameras needed to see.

 

“And ssspeaking of idols, CheerMynx is still searching for proper pennite eyesight minion to aid her on the Report.” Wyvern pauses and cringes as he remembers the incidents of last week’s report, then clears his throat. “Applicants should preferably be no bigger than a breadbox, and should come see CheerMynx in the Chapel of Repentance’s first confession booth, where the interview process has already begun. That is, unless she’s already finished the interview process… in which case, I guess she’d just be confessing some of her sins?”

 

Wyvern scratches his chin and nods to his alternative explanation, only to freeze up as he suddenly realizes what he might be missing. The reptilian Elder’s eyes grow wide at the thought of CheerMynx describing dirty cheerleader deeds in all their glorious detail, and lets his forked tongue unravel from his mouth at the very thought of it. He raises a claw to his snout to send out a “quiet” signal to the camera crew, then tip-toes his way over to the chapel’s first confession booth. Wyvern carefully leans a horn against the wooden door, rubbing his claws together as he listens in…

[Degorram]

*knock knock knock*

 

CheerMynx opened the heavy wooden door to the chapel, coming nose to nose with the person standing outside. She squeaked slightly in surprise as she stared at the swirling colors of the set of eyes in front of her.

 

Degorram stepped back and sniffed. "Good day Cheer."

 

"Oh..um...like, hello!" she said, quickly regaining her composure. A huge grin spread across her face and she tossed a few stray locks of lucious hair over her shoulder. "How can I help you?"

 

Degorram breathed in tightly and sighed, trying to keep from rolling her eyes or appearing displeased. "I hear you've been in need of an eyesight minion. I'm hear to apply for the....the job."

 

Around the corner a shadow snorted in laughter. Degorram's eye twitched.

 

"Oh sure Dego! Like, come on in!" CheerMynx giggled. She led the prickling shapeshifter to a red squishy pew and sat down, tucking her long (and mostly bare) legs beneath her. Degorram made a mental note to pray that the minion's costume wouldn't be so....sexy.

 

"So," CheerMynx said, bubbling over with apparent excitement. "Tell me a bit about yourself and why you'd make a good eyesight minion."

 

Degorram noticed from the corner of her eye that the shadow had moved and was now hiding behind a banner, listening intently. "Well," she began, trying to sound loose and friendly, "I am a shapeshifter, so if one day you want a puppy, I can do that. Or if one day you want a parrot...you get my drift."

 

"Groovy," CheerMynx purred.

 

"I've had two years of experience being a minion already," Degorram continued.

 

"Oooh, who's minion are you?" CheerMynx interrupted, eyes alight with interest.

 

Degorram paused, her jaw tightening. "Wyvern's," she said shortly. "And," she said, continuing before CheerMynx could say anything, "since you and said scaly-news-reporter are...partners...I wouldn't be drawn in two directions or have to be spread thin in my duties. Plus I enjoy the Almost Report very much and would love to be able to help out with it in any way."

 

"How exciting!" she laughed, clapping her paws.

 

Degorram's ears twitched irritably. She forced a grin onto her face and managed to grate out a simple "Indeed."

 

"Well, thanks soooo much for applying," CheerMynx said. "I'll definitely, like, keep you in mind."

 

"Thanks for hearing me out," Degorram said, standing up quickly. "Well, I'll leave you to your important business," she said. "I'm sure you're very busy."

 

"Not really," CheerMynx said. "I don't have much to do at the moment." She brightened as a thought struck her. "Hey! We could go see Wyvern! I've got this new cheer that I haven't shown him yet...."

 

Degorram couldn't tell if her face had gone crimson or white at the thought. "Oh, no," she choked, "I couldn't impose. Please have a nice day." The door slammed behind her.

 

***

 

Kikuyu had already left by the time Degorram escaped into the hall. As the shapeshifter panted against a wall, the ninja rolled on the floor and laughed.

[CheerMynx]

CheerMynx sat blinking for a few moments in confusion at the encounter.

"Like, what?" she mumbled to herself, before the idea of having Degorram in a dog form for a seeing eye minion set the cheerline off into a fit of giggles.

"A dog leading a cat," CheerMynx sniggered. "Like, that'd totally be tv show or something."

Suddenly, an alarm clock in the corner of the room began to let out a loud "WHOOP"ing noise.

Letting out a squeal of dismay, CheerMynx began to blindly run around the room, picking up various textbooks and notes before she made a mad dash for the door.

 

~THUNK!~

 

Sitting back up in the mess of newly discarded papers, CheerMynx whined and rubbed her nose, before she grabbed the nearest book, clamored for the door and eventually found her way out. Almost crashing into Wyvern along the way, CheerMynx began to babble even as she continued in her stumbled gait.

"LikeWyvieohmygawdI'msosorrybutIforgotIhadthisclassICAN'Tmissorelsethey'llflunkmeI'llmakeituptoyouItotallypromise!"

With that, the cheerline crashed through the doors and outside, setting off as fast as she safely could (which wasn't very fast *or* safe, to be honest), leaving Wyvern blinking dumbly in her wake.

Glancing down, the Almost Dragon noticed one of the textbooks CheerMynx had dropped. Picking it up for a closer look, Wyvern took one look at the title - Pole Dancing for Beginners - and promptly fainted dead away.

 

If he'd taken a moment, he might have noticed the subtext beneath the book's misleading subtitle:

An Introduction to Poland's Culture Through Dance.