The Almost Report Ain't Getting Any More Angelic

[Wyvern]

The Almost Report cameras flicker on to a bubbling beaker of a geld-tinted formula labeled “Alchemist’s Helper,” which has been tagged with the words “Caution: Extremely Evil” in dark purple marker. The cameras focus on the shot as an unsanitary claw finds its way into the top of the beaker, touching the bubbling liquid and pulling back with a yelp as the temperature settles in. The visuals pull back a bit to reveal a table full of elaborate scientific devices, with Wyvern standing behind it and licking his burnt claw in the hopes of making it feel better. The overgrown lizard adjusts the stethoscope tied around his right horn and turns towards the cameras, his wings spread out and holding a variety of thermometers, bandages and medical hammers on their tips. He brushes down the rather tightly fitted white doctor coat that presses against his scales and strikes a toothy grin.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the latest CheerMynx catering sesss- errr, Almost Report. To mend any wounds that the lassst Report may have caused, we’ve decided to invade the Pen’s finessst medical facility to give CheerMynx’s injuries proper care and attention.” Wyvern glances down at the “Alchemist’s Helper” for a moment and frowns when he notices that the golden hue has been reduced to a thin red color, then clears his throat and flashes a fake grin to the cameras. “The only Pen medical facility run by a real doctor. A doctor with a PhD… in EVIL.”

 

Wyvern attempts a wicked laugh that ends in an ashy fit of coughing, then lowers his wings to reveal the full extent of DoctorEvil’s top secret laboratory headquarters. Large television screens and data terminals line the dome walls while a “world domination” map blinks lights across the ceiling. Wyvern snatches a bag of medical instruments that look more like secret-agent thwarting booby traps and wanders over to a classic evil genius swiveling chair that rests at the head of the room. He sets the bag down and leans back in the chair, wishing that CheerMynx was there in his lap so he could pet her and make the villainous image complete.

 

“Of courssse, I’m sure some of you must be wondering how we snuck in here and why it’s so deserted. Well, save your questions and their accompanying question marks for the Assembly Room, since you may need’em for Gwaihir’s new Question Mark Prompter Booth.” Wyvern does a 360 degree swivel in the evil genius chair, jingling the medical instruments on his wing tips in the process. “Jusssst remember that it’ll take more than a ssstray question mark to make you a Man of Mystery capable of thwarting DoctorEvil’s plans.”

 

Wyvern digs into the “medical instruments” bag and pulls out a long piece of suspiciously sharp measuring tape, which has its own blade handle. The reptilian reporter swivels back and forth in his chair as tosses the tape to the side and shuffles through noxious gas arm pumps and non-medical needles. The overgrown lizard’s expression gets more and more frustrated as the lack of actual medical supplies in the bag becomes evident.

 

“If you’re the type of pennite who tends to lurk and read responses to exercises such as the Question Mark Prompter Booth rather than participating, perhapsss it’s time to seek professional help. Lurkers Anonymuse is a new organization headed by Snypiuer that is dedicated to helping Pen lurkersss recover from their idleness-related woes.” Wyvern makes a sharp swivel in his chair that results in a snapping sound. He cringes as the broken seat collapses down a few inches. “Sssso come sit a spell in the Conservatory… or stand a spell, if yer like me.”

 

Wyvern clears his throat and practices what he preaches, hopping out of the broken evil genius chair and moving back towards the scientific gizmo table of the facility. The overgrown lizard runs a claw along one of the trays of vials, pausing as he taps a flame-filled vial and a purple vial standing by itself on the corner of the tray.

 

“The Almost Report would alssso like to send its belated birthday wishesss to andrea hawk and Phoenix. Here’sss hoping the two of you had great ones.”

 

Wyvern licks his lips and plucks a vial of brown liquid labeled “Fur Enricher” then turns in the direction of a long hall that branches off from the side of DoctorEvil’s central dome. The cameras follow the lizard into an area labeled “Asylum for the Un-Criminally Sane” and come to a stop as he reaches door 17.

 

“CheerMynx isss interviewing eyesight minion applicants in there… it’sss safer and more cost-effective cus’ of the padded wallsss.” Wyvern winks to the cameras. “Ssspeaking of which, it’s not too late to apply for the job as the cheerline’s seeing eye minion. Jussst send her a PM if yer interested.”

[Peredhil]

Nuncio paused outside Doctor Evil's "Evil Above Ground Lair of Evil" and frowned thoughtfully at the paper Guido had given him. The sketched map he'd been following had NOT indicated that he'd be talking to the Boss's favorite sworn enemy. There wasn't much more of the map and it ended in a sloppily scrawled "17".

 

I'm supposed to help with a feline rehabilitation program? Oh well, Guido said the Boss signed me up for it...

 

Warily he made his way through the elaborate and obvious traps into the EAGLE...

[CheerMynx]

CheerMynx was busy smoothing down her fur and fur when she heard the door knock. Twisting in what she thought was the door's direction, the cheerline composed herself and called out "Like, come in!"

Nuncio opened the door and blinked as his eyes struggled to take in the room's bright pink decor. It certainly appeared that the cheerline did not consider her lack of vision a reason to not imprint her fashion sense upon her current residence/workplace.

Eventually, Nuncio's eyes adjusted enough that he was able to make out CheerMynx sitting behind the pink chrome desk, dressed in a smartly tailored, exceedingly short skirt suit that strongly implied she had obtained some sort of wardrobe assistant this week. The cheerline had put on a bright, friendly, vacant smile...which was currently directed at another wall.

Clearing his throat politely, Nuncio moved to the spare chair in front of the desk and sat down.

"Hiiiii!" CheerMynx spun to face Nuncio and groped blindly for a pen, eventually snatching what appeared to be a pencil but looked more like a skinned, dyed squirrel.

"So! Name?"

"Er, Nuncio."

CheerMynx attempted to scrawl the name on the piece of paper in front of her, before she paused for a moment in thought.

"Hang on, aren't you, like, a giant rat?"

"Rodent of Unusual Size," Nuncio corrected in a huff.

"So, like, a giant bunny then?"

Nuncio sighed quietly under his breath as CheerMynx continued to scrawl blindly across the page.

"Okay! So, like, basically what you'd have to do is follow me around and be my eyes like Snuffles used to do, buuuuuuuuut I don't know how Mynx did the spell so I'm totally going to have to get her to set it up, okay?"

"Well..."

"Great! Wait here!" CheerMynx sat back in her chair and closed her eyes as her counter-personality resumed control.

As the blond hair darkened slightly and the eyes retained coherency despite the blindness, Mynx repressed a sigh at her counterpart's outfit and looked up to see who had applied for the role this time.

The feline blinked.

"Nuncio?"

The RoUS tipped his hat in greeting as Mynx burst out laughing.

"Oh this will be gooood," she chuckled, rising from the chair and moving around the desk to the door. "I hope Wyvern's filming this!" she spoke louder than necessary, already knowing the Almost Dragon must be on the other side of the door spying on the 'interview process'.

"In advance? I'm really sorry," Mynx placed a comforting paw on Nuncio's shoulder, before grinning toothily.

"Ready?"

"Er...Yes?" Nuncio made a mental note to have a word with his brother, but decided to entertain his curiosity for the now. Mynx smiled, before closing her eyes and setting the cast into motion.

Nuncio blinked and sneezed, only to look back and see that CheerMynx had returned.

"Woah," the Almost Intern staggered around, trying to get her new bearings. "Like, stand up?"

Nuncio obliged, only to find himself catching CheerMynx as she swooned dizzily.

"Woah. You're, like, tall. Um, maybe this would work if you carried me?"

Before Nuncio had a chance to respond, the door burst open as Wyvern and the camera crew came crashing in. An errant gaffer knocked into CheerMynx, sending her flying over the desk with a yelp as the connection was broken, but for once Wyvern didn't even notice. He was too busy shaking Nuncio's paw and guiding him towards the door.

"Thanksss and everything for applying, Nunc', but we've got a lot of other applicants sssso, don't call usss, we'll call you, alright? Thanksssss."

Closing the door after Nuncio, Wyvern leaned against it with a sigh.

"That was clossse," he muttered to himself, images of the cheerline reclining in the arms of someone that wasn't him disctracting the Almost Dragon from the fact that his Almost Intern was currently lying in an unconscious heap in the corner.

It was almost like old times, really.

[Degorram]

Degorram clicked her tv off and chuckled, shaking her head.

 

"This just in: Almost-dragonic guild leader turned into rodent for destroying Dr. Evil's swivel chair. The Doctor assures us that this is a temporary change, but experts and fans alike aren't so sure. Mad Scientist and Pig are working hard to come up with a cure that they hope will have no interesting side effects. The local Pen shape shifter was unable to make a comment on their progress or chance of success as she was incapacitated by laughter."

 

She turned aside to an imaginary second camera. "Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, CheerMynx is as usual adding a little spunk to our lives. Word has it that she's soon to win the 'Most Spunky Intern'. Also meriting an award is our own Wyvern, coming in at a close first for 'Most Easily Distracted By Beautiful Felines'. Who the second place winner is may not be determined until later poll counts are added up."

 

Degorram sighed and leaned back on her couch. "I wonder when I'm going to get a job as co-anchor." The very thought brought a bubble of laughter to her chest.

Edited May 5, 2008 by Degorram