Silver WInd Posted April 23, 2008 Report Posted April 23, 2008 A Girl With No Name There was a girl who had eyes that saw the world in a gleam of harsh yellow light for just a moment for those who know all is revealed. She had the touch the curse which was given through the metallic nights of black and yellow somewhere dusty and rank where the roaches can watch. She could fathom herself a Madonna her tears the stigmata but it was upon her thighs she bleeds. How could such a one have any end but a tragic one her body left but there would be none to make a Saint of her as she lay unknown just as soon forgotten.
Wyvern Posted May 1, 2008 Report Posted May 1, 2008 Very nice poem, Silver Wind. :-) The imagery involving yellow light and "metallic nights" is interesting and suggests something artificial in the girl that the poem describes. Her tragic tale on the whole is also interesting... I particularly like the fear elicited at the end, when the element of being forgotten surpasses the possibility of martyrdom. In terms of possible things to improve in future revisions, I found that the first two or three lines of the last stanza had more interjection from the narrator than other lines of the poem, and they felt a little awkward to me for this reason. Also, the lines "for those who know/all is revealed" in the first stanza were a little too vague to be meaningful in my opinion, and the "she bleeds" at the end of the third stanza didn't correspond with the tense of the rest of that stanza. It may simply be a matter of punctuation, though - more periods or comas to indicate seperate thoughts and images might work very well here. Anyway, very nice piece overall once again Silver Wind. :-) Thank you for sharing it here.
Recommended Posts