The Almost Report Plants its Weeds with Pride

[Wyvern]

Screens across the Pen flicker on to the image of dense green foliage and thorny coiling brambles, which seem to slowly shift and twist to the movement of a scaly red wing tip that pokes from its depths. A string of censor-able curses streams from an opening between the weeds before a claw reaches out and snags a few jagged branches, pulling a scaly snout with a familiar set of worn infared goggles from the deep brush. Wyvern glances up with the goggles despite the pain of the thorns on his neck scales, trying to get a better sense of the greenhouse layout or perhaps spot a very specific breed of cheerline in high resolution. Spotting nothing, he scrambles out of the thorny bushes with a yelp and drops the infared goggles with a snort of disappointment. He nudges them under the bushes with his tail stinger, finally acknowledging that they’re broken.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to another natural botanical episssode of the Almossst Report.” Wyvern brushes the brambles and pollen from his insect repellent scale-net vest and plants a party sparkler on the edge of the bush, which is the only bush of its type in the otherwise spread out open greenery of the quarters. “Just in case the surroundings of Tanuchan’s quarters and her reactions weren’t natural enough for ya, this week’s Report takes us to Gwaihir’s greenhouse in a belated birthday celebration for the verdant elf. Join usss as we scope out some ssssweet plantlife while littering Gwaihir's stomping grounds with decorationsss… aphid-free, of course.”

 

Wyvern grins and nods to the cameras, then pulls a thorn from his side and wanders down the greenhouse walkways, grumbling something about misinterpreting the “Prime Weed” sign that hung over the bush he was previously struggling in. The overgrown lizard digs into his nets and pulls out a festive sparkly plant spray, then pauses as he reaches a display labeled “Siren Lilies.” Five beautiful lily flowers sway and whistle sweet melodies at the front of the plant, while a giant venus fly trap lies camoflauged at their rear.

 

“Of courssse, Gwaihir is not the only pennite who we’d like send our belated well-wishes to this week. Many musical Happy belatedsss go out to Mira, who also celebrated last week.” Wyvern pauses for a moment and steps closer to the Siren Lilies, examining the sign posted next to their area and checking for the approximate age of the plant. “The ever-aging Kasmandre alssso gets a belated birthday shout, as do Freya B and purple shadows for their various contributions. Here’sss hoping that all of you had awesome birthdays, and that this announcement generatesss a substantial number of free personal cheerleader performance vouchersss.”

 

Wyvern winks to the cameras with a token sneer, then steps closer to the lilies, more intrigued by their sweet melodies than he cared to admit. The giant venus fly trap twists itself into snapping position, slowly opening its mouth as it watches the lizard step closer and closer.

 

“And sssspeaking of musical wishes, pennites should feel free to share their musical tastes via the recent Mighty Pen Muxtapes campaign.” Wyvern pulls out a copy of his “Makeout Marauders” muxtape and hands it to the siren lilies, who let out a collective groan and break their spell of music in the process. Wyvern frowns and steps away from the plant before the venus fly trap can test out its teeth. “S-s-sssimple way to share yer favorite music with other pennites, plus Almost Dragonic Brand Product jingles are acceptable. Check it out in the Cabaret.”

 

Wyvern claps his claws together and sprays the siren lilies with his sparkler bottle, causing their whistling to transform into an impromptu disco number. He leaves the Saturday Night Lilies behind, however, as he sets back to marching the twisted greenhouse paths. Wyvern sprays plants left and right with his sparkler until he reaches a low-hanging tree which has branches teeming with a variety of ripe fruits. He snatches a peach from the tree and gorges it in one bite, then reaches for a grapevine only to pause as he spots a sign at the far end of the clearing labeled “Tasty Wiggly Cabbage Picnicing Grounds - Free Entrance for Wyverns.” Wyvern lowers his claw from the grapes and slowly licks his lips, bunching up the scale-net vest on his chest so that it resembles a bib.

 

“In further Pen newsss, Werewolf XXXIX: a Feast Amongst Wolves is now officially underway. The latessst in the ever-popular Werewolf series is also the tassstiest-sounding Werewolf endeavor to date. Sssign up is available in the Conservatory for any folks interested.” Wyvern comes to a halt as he reaches the edge of the Wiggly Cabbage sign, and squeals in anticipation while rubbing his claws together. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a little feassssting to do of my own.”

 

Wyvern lets out a poor excuse for an evil laugh and darts into the labeled area with his claws extended, falling straight into the Wiggly Cabbages’ trap. The overgrown lizard’s initial confusion at the empty clearing of grass is quickly replaced by a distinct feeling of dread as an enormous mob of extra-large cabbages materializes around him, completely surrounding him. Wyvern whimpers and curses over the existence of mental invisibility cloaks, then raises his claws in an attempt to calm the cabbages down and clears his throat.

 

“T-t-to wrap up Pen newsss this evening, cus’ uhhh we were just leaving, pennites and Wiggly Cabbages alike are invited to a sneak peek of the new Geld Sack in Ssspace picture, which is to be framed as the centerpiece of my upcoming Almost Dragonic Brand Artsy Exhibit.™ Located in the deepest dungeon of the Pen, go check it out.” Wyvern gulps as the Wiggly Cabbages start closing in. “I-I-I meant pennitesss including Wiggly Cabbages, errrk. I-I d-d--don’t sssuppose I could interest you veggies in some s-sparkly plant spray...?”

[CheerMynx]

"Wyyyyyyyyyyyyyvie!" CheerMynx's voice reached an unnatural pitch as she called out across the greenhouse, causing Wyvern to wince even as he twitched in anticipation (and hope that the cheerline's presence would distract the Wiggly Cabbages from their attack. Her voice alone certainly seemed to help in making them retreat slightly).

"Like, where are you?" the Almost Intern's voice indicated she was closer. The minor crash as she stumbled over an errant root confirmed this.

"Totally ow," CheerMynx mumbled, before Snuffles turned his head in Wyvern's direction and located the Almost Dragon within the greenery.

"Like, THERE you are!" CheerMynx let out a sigh of relief as she traipsed over to the Almost Dragon. "Gawd, I totally thought I'd be in here all day looking for you!" Pausing, the cheerline frowned in confusion at the mess Wyvern had succeeded in getting himself into this time. It appeared that some of the Wiggly Cabbages had succeeded in winding a rope vine around Wyvern, until his feet and legs were completely tangled together. Wyvern had been too busy gawking at CheerMynx's outfit - what appeared to be a re-hash of her previous nature costume but using fresher, greener leaves and the distinct impression that there were less of them this time - to notice the rope, but as if on cue at her puzzled glance, he promptly overbalanced and fell over with a grunt.

Tsking and rolling her eyes (purely out of habit), CheerMynx settled Snuffles on the ground by Wyvern's feet for a steady view as she began working to untangle the Almost Dragon.

"Gawd Wyvern like, how old are you? I'm like totally hardly gone and you're getting yourself into like the WEIRDEST messes. Honestly you're as bad as this guy Jimmy Dolsen that I used to know? He was a bit of a dweeb but I swear like every single time we went on a field trip he'd always..."

CheerMynx continued to ramble as she struggled with the knots, Snuffles staring intently in the right area while Wyvern tried not to stare...

In fact, all three of them were so focussed on looking (or not, as it may be) in the right place, that none of them noticed the inquisitive, almost triffid-like vine that snuck up and promptly grabbed Snuffles.

As the minion let out a yowel of outrage while CheerMynx squealed and turned to weakly fend off the plant that had kittennapped her eyesight, Wyvern was left to struggle out of the vines on his own. By the time the Almost Dragon had finally succeeded in freeing himself and getting back up, CheerMynx was holding Snuffles and trying to sooth the ruffled minion. Unfortunately, it did not seem that she was doing a good job, as the kitten continued to hiss and yowel unhappily.

"Like, whaddayamean you quit?!" CheerMynx yelped, before she was bitten on the paw by her seeing-eye minion. "Ooooow! Snuffles!"

But Snuffles had already jumped free of his (apparently former) mistress, and was currently racing out of the greenhouse as fast as he could.

"Snuffles! Like, come back!" CheerMynx wailed, moving to give chase, only to trip on one of the discarded vines, landing heavily enough to knock the wind out of the cheerline as her vision made good its escape.

[Wyvern]

Wyvern immediately hops over to CheerMynx's position and kneels down to make sure that the cheerline is OK, gently nudging her shoulder to check if she's in any pain and going a bit google-eyed as his nudges misplace a few of the leaves on the Almost Intern's outfit. The overgrown lizard slurps the drool from his scaly chin and snaps to as he watches Snuffles dash off, however, suddenly realizing what he must do to prove his manhood to CheerMynx. He bet that Jimmy Dolsen had never managed to save CheerMynx's vision... and Jimmy didn't even have to worry about things like the financial stabilitiy of Almost Report damage control.

 

"Wait Ssssnuffles, come back!" Wyvern pounces forward, only to curse and stumble as he finds his feet once again tied by Wiggly Cabbage vines. The reptilian reporter glances around at the surrounding cabbages, over at the distant Snuffles, and down at CheerMynx. He grits his teeth and lets out a hiss of desperation, spreading his wings and hopping in the direction of Snuffles with so much fervor that he ends up dragging along several Wiggly Cabbages with him. "Sssssnuuuufffflllllessssssss!"

 

Wyvern hops past the flaming finger hibiscus and carniverous marshmellow shrubs of the greenhouse with reckless abandon, looking something like a scaled jester stuck in a Wiggly Cabbage potato sack race. He grits his teeth and squints as he catches a final sight of Snuffles scooting through a greenhouse pet exit just large enough for a kitten, and scrunches his snout in disappointment as he watches the minion go. Wyvern maneuvers past a low-hanging long-leaf slug race track and a patch of poison ivy, stopping as he reaches the glass wall where the kitten exit is located. He presses his snout to the glass, then calls out:

 

"I'm offering a 20% raise in toy miccce! And a catnip bonusss by the end of the year!"

 

Wyvern bites his lip as he squints for any sign of Snuffles, then sniffles and clears his throat before turning and hopping back in the direction he came, half-pulled by the tugging vines of the Wiggly Cabbages. The overgrown lizard rubs a claw over his chest as he approaches CheerMynx's area, getting it tangled in his scale-net vest and breathing a hiss of frustration. He coughs and sticks his snout to the sky in an effort to hide his concern.

 

"H-he'll be back CheerMynxie, I'm ssssure. I know the kitten type, always moving in for the squeeze pla-"

 

Wyvern lets out a high-pitched curse as he trips over the exact same vine that CheerMynx had slipped over, falling over but fortunately avoiding CheerMynx as he does so. The overgrown lizard tugs at the vines as the cabbages continue tying them around them, but ceases struggling as he notices that the furry "vine" currently pressing against his snout is CheerMynx's tail. The reptilian Elder's eyes grow extra wide at the generous view from his position. His bloody nose immediately absorbed by the greenhouse soil...

[Snypiuer]

As Wyvern and Cheermynx seek to unravel themselves, static fills the screen.

 

Voices are heard:

 

V1 - I thought the lizard was going to annouce this?

 

V2 - Yeah, well, turns out that there was a LOT of damage over at Gyrfalcons' and he said something about 'plausable deniability' in case of further litigation.

 

V1 - WHAT!?

 

V2 - HE DOESN'T WANT TO PAY IF THERE'S A LAW SUIT!

 

V1 - Yeah, sounds right. Are we ready?

 

V2 - Yeah, just let me turn this here. . .

 

A couple of rather large squirrels appear on camera:

 

S1 - Greetings Pennites! Sorry for interrupting Wyvern's report. . .

 

S2 - But this just in. . .

 

(Squirrel 1 gives Squirrel 2 an annoyed look, S2 gives S1 a 'WHAT!?" look)

 

S1 - After a bit of a delay, The Grim Squeaker Punt, Pass and Kick Games™, brought to you by Almost Dragonic Enterprises, inconjunctionwiththeNimball™Association, begin today!

 

S2 - That's right folks! And let me tell you, those rumors of The Grim Squeaker being kidnapped, an attempt to escape and being forced to participate, as being the reason for the delay. . .FALSE!

 

(S1 sits in shock for a second and stares at S2, before shoving him off screen.)

 

S2 - HEYYY!!

 

S1 - What my colleague meant is, we are sorry for the delay and we hope everyone will enjoy. Now, back to Wyvern. . .

 

Static fills the screen:

 

V2 - WHY'D YOU PUSH ME?!

 

V1 - DID YOUR MOM DROP YOU ON YOUR HEAD AS AN INFANT?!

 

V2 - THE RUMORS ARE OUT THERE! WE NEED TO CONFRONT THEM! THE LIZARD SAID, "DENY! DENY! DENY!" plus. . . the rat bit me.

 

V1 - WHAT!?

 

V2 - nothing.

 

V1 - LOOK, the Lizard said to deny if anyone asks us. NOT BRING IT UP!

 

They continue arguing as the screen returns to Wyvern and Cheermynx

Edited April 19, 2008 by Snypiuer