The Almost Report Waters Down CheerMynx's Studies

[Wyvern]

The news cameras wander down a silent hall of the Pen where a “Totally Quiet Please” sign has been tacked to the wall with a cheerleader pin and a bright pink ribbon. The cameras continue wobbling forward until they reach a door with the room number “426” etched on it in silver, and a webbed hand reaches out to shove it open. The news crew makes their way into an elegant room with hazy blue lighting, which is silent save for the faint sound of a waterfall that cascades peacefully behind a large bookcase of ancient tomes. The visuals swerve to the right for a moment to focus on a small tapestry, and troglyodyte hands adjust the lenses until the words written on the tapestry are clear enough to read:

 

"Besieged by that which hinders naught but the strongest of men, betwixt thine thoughtful prayer, our virtue shall guide us abroad. Through change we shall prosper, with honour we shall receive its benefits. Life is a game, and we are but pawns. We strive to become more, to reach the top, to become kings, but alas to no avail. Within these walls we strive to beat these odds, to reach the top, to achieve goals... to spawn bigger and better dreams and realities.

 

"Welcome... to The Crystal Tides"

 

~Foe Calibur~

 

The cameras linger on the passage for a moment longer before slowly panning down to the area below the tapestry, revealing a trembling Wyvern huddled in a little green and crimson heap. The overgrown lizard’s eyes dart right and left, and he clutches his green raincoat tighter around his scales as the aquamarine lights generated by the waterfall ripple across the walls of the chamber.

 

“W-w-welcome to th-uhhh, Almossst Report.” Wyvern hisshudders and chatters his teeth for a moment, then slowly gathers himself until he’s crouched in an upright position on the floor. “Reportin from Foe Calibur’s quartersss. A great studyin’ atmosphere for mid-exam CheerMynx, apparently, but not a big favorite of yers truly as far as design goesss. Why couldn’t the Crystal Tides just be made out of crystal? *sniffle*”

 

Wyvern goes quiet as he stares off into the distance for a moment, his pupils moving left and right to the rippling motion of the waterfall lights along the walls. After a few minutes of watching this, the reptilian Elder’s scales have begun to match the color of his raincoat. He turns away from the cameras and retches a few curly onion cheese doodles into one of Foe Calibur’s priceless dolphin ceramic vases, then coughs to himself and turns with his snout twisted in discontent.

 

“*A-hurk-ahem* Jussst cleanin’ the ol’ smoke pipes there, eheheheh. Anywaysss, welcome n’all.” Wyvern sways back and forth dizzily as he rises to his feet, clutching at the edges of his raincoat and trying not to let the splashing water sounds get the best of him. “*Ahem* F-Firssst of all, I’d just like to apologize for the incidentsss that occurred on the ‘Dispels Myths of Accurate Reporting’ episode of the Almost Report a few weeksss back. The Almost Report does not sssupport suicide squirrel terrorism in any shape or form… unless it results in a 40% rise in show ratings, of course. Sssince Snypiuer’s invasion only made for a 5% rise and was uncomfortable for our favorite Almost Intern, we have decided to take special precautions against future Snypiuer invasionsss through an enhanced Almost Report sssecurity system.”

 

Wyvern gestures to the right with a shaky claw, and the cameras turn in that direction to reveal a piece of moldy cheese hanging from a string with an open bear trap under it. The “immaculate security system” is accompanied by an advertisement poster for Grim Squeaker Punt, Pass, and Kick Games,™ which hangs to the right of the trap and features the image of a rat skull getting batted with the blunt end of a scythe.

 

“A-a-anyways *sniffle,* a quick reminder ‘bout recent Pen eventsss.” Wyvern takes a deep breath and lunges forward, moving out of the waterfall-oriented central room and into narrow maroon hallway lined with portraits. The overgrown lizard breaths a deep sigh of relief as his scales begin to return to their original shade of crimson. “With the ‘Why Does’ Challenge, the Public Pen Diary, and new pennite spottings in the Cabaret, there’sss always something to sink yer quills into. Or your geld into, if you're interested in Almost Dragonic Brand Copper Dispensing Slot Machines.™”

 

Wyvern slithers his way down the hall in the direction of Foe Calibur’s guest rooms in the hopes of seeing how CheerMynx’s studies are coming along (amongst other things), only to pause as he spots a familiar portrait of a pennite cradling a large shiny sculpture of a pointy ear.

 

“The Almost Report would also like to extend its best birthday wishesss to Valdar, who we’ll be sssending some extra shiny ear stockings to. I hope you had a great one, Valdar!” Wyvern tilts his head in his best attempt at well-wishes in horn speak, then spots something else in the corner of his eye. He points to a small speck in the background of the Valdar portrait. “I’d also like to extend birthday wishes to Aardvark, who we’ll be sending a back-up box of thermite via C-class economy mail. Have a good one, Aardy!”

 

With that, Wyvern creeps away from the portrait and passes by a number of other frames before arriving at a door to one of the guest rooms that’s been left slightly ajar. The overgrown lizard lifts a claw to his snout to silence the rest of the news crew, then gently pushes the door open a little further and shoves his snout through to peer inside…

[CheerMynx]

A faint muttering could be heard from inside the room as Wyvern slowly eased the door open. Or tried to, anyway. The Almost Dragon had gotten the door about a foot open when it let out a loud CREAK.

"Whathe?" CheerMynx's head appeared from behind a pile of textbooks, confusion written across the cheerline's face before it was replaced with shock.

"Like, ohmygawd Wyvie I thought I told you no cameras this week!" CheerMynx whined and ducked back behind her pile of books.

"Err, of courssse, CheerMynxie," Wyvern began to stammer an apology as he stepped properly into the room and kicked the door shut on the camera crew. "I jusst wanted to...er...sssee how you're doing?"

CheerMynx tapped her pink fluffy pen on her textbook in vague annoyance and brushed a wayward strand of hair out of her face, before picking Snuffles up from his place on her textbook and rearranging him on her shoulder. Wyvern couldn't help but notice with a tinge of disappointment that his Almost Intern was not dressed in anything particularly outrageous, trading style instead this week for comfort. Still, the pleated mini skirt and off-the-shoulder jumper didn't exactly hurt the eyes...

"Sssso, uh, how's it all coming?" Wyvern tried to drag his eyes away from the cheerline's clevage.

"Like wow you will not BELIEVE the crap I have to do this week!" CheerMynx exploded shrilly, causing Wyvern to blink and step back in surprise at the outburst.

"I have, like this really hard marketing test I have to do tomorrow and Mynx is like totally no help because she keeps insisting that whatever the cheer-captain wears is not a valid form of market research, and THEN I like have this assignment due in next week, and then I have to like analyse this movie which totally isn't even in English..."

Trying to make sense of the increasingly high pitched rant that was beginning to hurt his ears, Wyvern swallowed and raised an inquiring claw.

"I...don't sssuppose that I could help at all?"

CheerMynx stopped mid-sentance and turned to stare at the Almost Dragon hopefully.

"Like, you mean it?"

"Sure!" Wyvern grinned in what he hoped was a charming manner. "The quicker you get this work taken care of, the quicker your adoring fans can have y-"

"GREAT! Sit here!" CheerMynx bounded up and shoved Wyvern into a comfortable easychair. Wyvern's grin widened as he relaxed into the seat. Maybe he should have offered to help CheerMynx study soo-

THWACK!

"OW!" Wyvern let out a yelp and clutched at his head. "What the?!"

"I like have this lab report where I have to totally write about the effects of impact to different lobes," CheerMynx mumbled as she made a note of something in a book, before she took another look at the skull map resting on the table and hefted a comicly large hammer.

"CheerMynx..."

"Like, totally hold still..."

 

THWACK!

[Wyvern]

Wyvern's jaw drops open with a groan as several blurry images of CheerMynx's pleated mini-skirt dance around his eyes in an appealing circular haze. The overgrown lizard teeters as a third horn appears on his head in the form of a scaly bump, and his tongue rolls out of his mouth as he stares at CheerMynx with a dumb semi-conscious expression.

 

"Hmmm, no no that's not it. Here?" CheerMynx thwacks Wyvern once again with the mallet, causing one of his eyes to grow larger than the other and for a few scales to pop up on his snout, but not much else. She bonks him twice more with the result of his wings jerking in different directions, then begins to pout. "Why isn't this working?! Maybe it's because, like, almost dragonic lobes are different? What do you think Wyvie? Wyvie...?"

 

CheerMynx kneels down to examine Wyvern's semi-conscious state further, giving him a more ample view of her jumpered cleavage in the process and causing whatever lights remain in the lizard's attic to fade. She nudges Wyvern's snout a bit just as the lizard blacks out, watching him fall over into an unconscious heap of scales and raincoat rubber with a toothy grin plastered on his face. The Almost Intern purrs to herself as she seats herself back in her study seat and jots a few more notes for her lab report, taking advantage of Wyvern's offer to help out by kicking up her feet on the Almost Dragon's prone body like a scaly foot stool.

 

Meanwhile, right outside of the shut guest room door, a troglyodyte camera man sporting several casts and bandages finishes recording the scene through the limited vision of the door's keyhole. He snickers to himself as he pockets the video reel and hobbles off, grinning at the thought of watching Wyvern get slammed with a hammer in slow-motion instant replay several times over...

 

;-)