The Almost Report Dispels Any Myths of Accurate Reporting

[Wyvern]

The Almost Report cameras flicker on to the image of a dusty weapon rack, with ancient knives of all shapes and sizes arranged in a manner that would make Mynx purr in excitement. The cameras slowly follow a dark claw as it trails down the hilts of the blades, stopping as the claw reaches an empty spot where the edge of a katana should be sticking from. The news cameras zoom out enough to get a full view of Wyvern as he stares at the empty hole with a confused look on his snout. A webbed hand reaches over the cheap lens of the post spray-paint camera and twists it to adjust the image, revealing Wyvern’s pitch black cloak of runes and complimentary ink-dipped horns and wing tips. The overgrown lizard adjusts the hypno-swirl eyeglasses and evil eyebrows set on his scaly face, then turns towards the cameras with an almost dragonic attempt at evil laughter.

 

“Nya ha ha ha ha. Ha. Haha. *Ahem* Welcome to the Almossst Report.” Wyvern spreads his wings a bit as the cameras roll back into their designated positions. A webbed hand reaches out to adjust the lenses again, decreasing the haziness until an old library can be seen. The quiet quarters are small enough to not be the central library of the Pen, yet elegant and ancient enough to put many personal libraries to shame. Wyvern creeps parallel to a shelf of books on demons, sticking out his forked tongue and letting his claws pass over the spines. “Join us as we report to you from Gyrfalcon’s personal library in a Pen mythology ssspecial. For mythical starters, this adorably menacing Exophek cossstume I’m wearing is made out of 100% pure used demon tissue, and comes as part of the prepackaged Almost Dragonic Brand Gyrfalcon Movie Leftover Wardrobe Set™. Only 599 geld, cheap.”

 

Wyvern brushes a bit of snotty ash from the shoulder of his cloak and buries his snout in a shelf section detailing mythical denizens of greed. He emerges with a tome labeled “Famous Demon Geld Stashes,” and flips through it as he hisses:

 

“Now, I’m sssure many of you are wondering ‘Why does the Almost Report always invade the quarters of innocent pennites without their permission?’ Well… what better way to anssswer that question than to create an Almost Report myth of your own! Jussst head on over to the Assembly Room and join Ciri’s ‘Why Does…’ Challenge to ssspin yer own yarn.” Wyvern tears off a piece of his cloak to bookmark a page of the tome. “Jussst refer to the Cabaret ‘Why Does…’ Challenge OOC if you have any questions, and remember: there’sss no such thing as bad publicity.”

 

Wyvern winks to the cameras, then shoves the geld stash tome into a back pocket of his worn breeches and wanders over to a different section of the bookshelves. The reptilian reporter raises a fake evil brow as he glances over the titles of the section, then kneels down to browse the titles in the lower half of the shelf. A webbed hand adjusts the camera lens until the “Autobiographical Diaries” sign of the area is clear.

 

“Many Pen mythsss have ssstemmed from rumors written in pennite diaries.” Wyvern freezes for a moment, then pulls out a book entitled “Lustralia the Succubi’s Many Encounters” and immediately sticks it in the other back pocket of his breeches. “*Ahem* And why not essstablish your own rumors in Snypiuer’s Pen Public Diary? A chance to file your thoughts of the day in the Cabaret, with no mythos required. Almost Dragonic Brand Gyrfalcon Katana Quills™ are also available by request for the event, 399 geld cheap.”

 

Wyvern hops up from his position, testing the durability of his worn breeches as they hang lower than usual under the weight of the books in his pockets. He wanders over to a suit of mithril chainmail that stands next to a window, then pulls up his pants a bit and takes out a sheet of paper.

 

“In further Pen member news, voting Pen members should be sure to contribute their thoughts to the latest set of Pen promotions so we can decide who to extend shiny new mythical titles to. Voting ends on March 31rst, so get’em in before then.” Wyvern ruffles the paper and turns it over as his breeches start sagging again. “And ssspeaking of Pen members, our best birthday wishes go out to Tamaranis, who’s probably celebrating with somebody Bloody named Mary. Here’s hopin’ you have a great one, Tam.”

 

Wyvern scratches one of his horns and leans dangerously against the mithril armor, double-checking the information on his sheet. He taps his tail stinger on the chainmail and snorts before continuing.

 

“Finally, have you seen this rat?” Wyvern holds up the sheet to the cameras, and a webbed hand adjusts the lens until a bony image of the Grim Squeaker can be seen. “Reported missssing as of today. Almost Dragonic Brand Daryl Foxtail Mousetraps™ now available by request for 99 geld, cheap.”

[CheerMynx]

Familiar humming caused Wyvern to jerk upright eagerly, knocking the armor over with a loud crash. The humming stopped, replaced by CheerMynx's voice.

"Wyvie? Like, you in here?"

"Uh, y-yeah CheerMynxx!" Wyvern called out, hurriedly trying to replace the display as he heard the cheerline approach him from behind.

"Like, what're you doing?" CheerMynx asked, as Wyvern proceeded to juggle the helmet before dropping it on his foot. Biting back an oath, the Almost Dragon kicked the helmet away and turned to face his Almost Intern, a ready grin already forming on his face as he tried to imagine what she would be wearing today.

Happily - for Wyvern - he was not disappointed again.

CheerMynx was today dressed in what looked like a costume from an Amazon movie. Or perhaps a replica of Princess Leia's outfit from Return of the Jedi.

In fact, a gold bikini covered the description quite nicely. What little material that was attached to the outfit was so colourless and sheer that it could only be considered adornment. Clutched tightly in one paw was a gold spear with matching pompoms on the tip. Snuffles escaped this week with only a golden collar and matching spear clutched in his mouth.

Jaw gaping slightly, Wyvern tried to come up with something witty to say, but could only manage a weak “habbada.”

“You like it then?” CheerMynx grinned happily. “You said mythical and I was like totally stuck on what myth to use cos I like tried reading this book once about Greek goddesses or something and it was totally boring but then Mynx like suggested I go as an Amazon warrior and I kinda didn’t want to cos like female warriors have the WORST fashion sense but then I like saw this movie called…um? Barbarella or something? And she was like dressed like this and Mynx said it’d be fine although I think she was laughing at me but I think it looks cool and you seem to like it so…um…Wyvie?”

CheerMynx snapped her fingers in front of Wyvern’s eyes to get his attention, before she caught glimpse of the piece of paper in the Almost Dragon’s claws out of the corner of Snuffles’ eyes.

“Oooh, is that my script?! I thought you like didn’t have one for me this week! Or if you did I totally lost it I’m so sorry Jessica wanted to go to this concert and like no one else would go with her so I totally got dragged along…”

Snatching the sheet of paper from Wyvern, CheerMynx tapered off as she skimmed over the image of the Death of Rats. Completely misreading the flyer, the cheerline’s eyes widened.

“Ohmygawd, you mean we like have a rat problem here?! EwewewewewewewEW! Where is it?!”

Dropping the piece of paper and clutching her spear, CheerMynx began to swing it around wildly, tangling the camera cord in one end with her frantic movements and, with a jerk in the other direction, plunged the Almost News audience once more into darkness…

[Wyvern]

Wyvern sways back and forth in a happy daze as he continues gaping at CheerMynx, narrowly avoiding a number of spear swings via pure luck and getting a face-full of golden pompom on more than one occasion. The overgrown lizard's hypno-swirl eyeglasses begin spinning in spite of themselves as he observes the cheerline's "adornments" in action, and they fall from his face along with his evil eyebrows as his beady eyes grow wider and wider at the Almost Intern's gyrating hips. The perfectly positioned gold of the outfit only heightens Wyvern's focus on the intricate lines of the bikini, which causes the lizard to continue stammering like a weak broken record. Needless to say, by the time CheerMynx has slowed in her spinning and begun wobbling back and forth, Wyvern's breeches are no longer anywhere near sagging.

 

"habababa-b-be careful CheerMynxie, the helmet!"

 

Wyvern finally breaks from his stammering trance and races forward, but not before CheerMynx backs into the dented mithril helmet on the floor and falls over backwards in her dizzy state. Much to Wyvern's relief, the cheerline's fall is broken by a small pile of Autobiographical Diaries that he'd left strewn across the floor... though much to his horror, the amazon kitty's spear and instinctive claws make confetti out of a number of priceless diary pages. Wyvern bites his lip as his worries shift from CheerMynx's well-being, to the costs of replacing armor and library items, to becoming non-existant as the reptilian Elder zones out to the sight of the golden kitten goddess on her back. The overgrown lizard absorbs the cheerline's mythical proportions for only a moment before self-control kicks in, however, and he immediately extends a claw to help his favorite Almost Intern to her feet.

 

"You O.K, CheerMynxie? That wasss some fall, lemme tell ya."

 

"Snuffles?" CheerMynx pats her shoulders and Wyvern's horns blindly, causing the lizard to stiffen up a bit. "Like, where's Snuffles?!"

 

Wyvern scans the library for a moment, then turns as he hears an unhappy mewling sound coming from under the helmet on the floor. The reptilian reporter kneels and carefully lifts an edge of the battered helmet up, only to curse as Snuffles bursts out full speed ahead, still running in circles under the impression that the mouse flailing is still underway. CheerMynx plucks the kitten minion off the floor with ease, though, and places the calmed Snuffles on her shoulder with a giggle.

 

"ThankssomuchWyvie, oh my God that was worst than those strobe lights at the show with Jessica." CheerMynx pauses and clutches her weapon. "But what about the rats?!"

 

"N-n-no ratsss, no rats!" Wyvern raises his claws before CheerMynx does anything more with her delightfully golden spear. "No ratsss here. L-lisssten though CheerMynxie, we got some other budget type problemsss, what with equipment and damagesss and all... well, errr, here, I think you should take a look at this book."

 

Wyvern reaches into the back pockets of his breeches for the "Famous Demon Geld Stashes" tome, but accidentally pulls out the other book and hands it to CheerMynx.

 

"I think thesssse are the sort of things we should strive to achieve in future reportsss." Wyvern taps on the cover of the book without looking at it, not noticing his mistake. "To achieve'em, we'll have to take the proper precautions of courssse. And if accidentsss should occur, like sssay in this Library, we would need to keep it on the hush hush. We want as few financial burdenssss as possible, after all."

 

Wyvern winks to CheerMynx in the hopes of conveying the thought that the damages to Gyrfalcon's quarters will be their little secret, though the wink could easily be interpreted as something else. He grins and turns a slightly deeper shade of a red as CheerMynx looks over the dust jacket of the book curiously.

 

"Thankssss so much for the Cabaret party last week, by the way." Wyvern presses his claws together. "Could ya ssskim through that book for a future Report and consider it? Jussst remember, any little contribution on your part can go a looonnng way."

 

;-)

[Snypiuer]

Once again, years of minute and subtle manipulation of reality - setting in motion small (yet crucial) events has led to what has just transpired between Wyvern and Cheer Mynx. All according to plan. . .

 

While the Almost Reports' audience is plunged into darkness, the microphones stay on (Wyvern is unaware that all the hush-hush talk was heard by all).

 

The audience then hears the following:

 

Wyvern is so distracted by Cheer Mynx, that he does not notice the sudden appearance of several tears in reality and a full squad of Suicide Squirrels leaping through, until it is too late. Snuffles sudden hiss is drowned out by the spine chilling battle-cry of SQUEAKY! EEKY! EEKY! The fight is fierce and quick, with the SSS living up to its' name. Few survive, but Wyvern, Cheer Mynx and Snuffles are captured (with nothing more then some mused up hair - surprising, considering all the damage to Gyrfalcons' library and dead squirrels littering it). Wyvern nearly turns the tide of battle, until he sees Cheer Mynx and Snuffles tied up and cross bows pointed at them. A squirrel says, "Hold Almost Dragonic one, or your most precious gets it!" Wyvern lets out a mighty gasp, reaches desperately with his claws, then slumps his wings in defeat. . . and surrenders.

 

Since there was a pile of geld behind Cheer Mynx and Snuffles (which Snuffles couldn't see) that three big guys, with hammers, were standing around (ready to smash it) - plus all the damage to the library (that Wyvern thought he just MIGHT have to pay for). . . well, we'll never know EXACTLY why Wyvern surrendered.

 

A tear in reality appears and three large squirrels and Snypiuer step through. "Sorry it had to happen this way Wyv. But plans and machinations have their way of unfolding. I need you to broadcast something for me."

 

After a lot of commotion of things being hastely cleaned up is heard, the cameras come back on. . .

 

A very angry looking Wyvern appears and the tips of cross bows can sometimes be seen protruding at the edges of the screen. In a forced voice he reads, "Hello Pennitesss, in a previousss report, it wass reported that The Grim Ssquaeker wasss missssing. We have breaking newss, a video hasss sssurfaced."

 

A video that looks like it was done on a handheld is shown:

 

Static fills the screen and a voice can be heard above what sounds like a struggle,

 

Voice one (V1), "Tie his feet to the chair!!"

Voice two (V2), "SQUEAK!"

Voice three (V3), "OWW! He bit me!"

V1, "Come on Squeak, calm down!"

V3, "OWW! He kicked me!"

V2, "SQUEAK!"

V1, "Just hurry!"

V3, "O.K., I got him!"

V2, "SQUEAK!"

V1, "Good. Now slide him up to the desk. I'll get the crayons and post-its."

V3, "You slide him!"

V1, "Just slide him! The boss said to hurry!"

 

The sound of a chair scraping against the floor is heard.

 

V2, "SQUAEK!"

V3, "OWWWW!!! HE BIT ME AGAIN!"

V1, "Quit whinning! Look Squeak, we're going to untie your hands so you can do your post-its. Just write what the boss said to write and don't give us any problems! Remember, we got you covered if you do. Don't make us have to get rough. The sooner we get this over with, the better. Untie his hands."

V3, "YOU DO IT!"

V1, "You big baby!"

V2, "SQUEAK!"

V1, "OWWWW!!!"

 

The static clears and The Grim Squeaker is seen behind a desk (cross bow tips at edges of screen), he begins scribbling on post-its and showing them to the camera:

 

H ello, just want to let everyone know i'm fine.

E njoying some time to myself 'till the big annoucement.

L et me tell you, i'm excited.

P reperations are underway, as we speak.

 

M entioned an announcement, should be coming anytime now.

E xpect it soon

!!!

 

Static reappears:

 

V3, "Did he?"

V1, "The boss is gonna be sooo upset."

V2, "SQUEAK"

 

Sound of a struggle is heard:

 

V2, "SQUEAK!"

V3, "OWWW!!!"

 

Wyvern reappears, with a look like he's thinking "What the??!"

"Well, I guessss he'ss alright then." (If sarcasm could be seen, you would see it leaking out of Wyvern like sweat from a 5ft. 400lb guy wearing a scuba suit, on the 18th mile of a 21 mile run in Georgia. During the afternoon. In August. In the middle of a heat wave.) "Now a word from the perssson ressponsssible for all thisss, Ssnypiuer."

 

Wyvern looks around with another "What the??!" look as applause is heard all around and Snypiuer enters.

"Hi everyone! Hey Wyv. Glad to be here. As everyone can see, The Grim Squeaker is just fine. He's very enthused about our new venture and can't wait to participate. I will now OFFICIALLY announce, on behalf of the Official Ruling Body that May or May Not Officialy Exist in Perfigullumn OR Emgumphully over the Nimball™ Association (IF such an organization ACTUALLY exists), 'The Grim Squeaker Punt, Pass and Kick Games™'!" The sound of applause fills the room. "They will be held shortly and the rules will be explained on opening day."

 

Wyvern pulls Snypiuer aside and asks, breathlessly (which was a LITTLE creepy), "Do you have anyone dissstributing your merchindissse or running the concesssion ssstandss? Marketing?! WHAT ABOUT MARKETING?!?" Snypiuer can just reply, "Uhhhh?" Wyverns' eyes glass over for a second, "That meansss no." He casts a spell and screams, "MELBA! GET ME A CONTRACT!!!!" He then turns to Snypiuer, "BUDDY! Pal 'o mine! You look like you need to concern yourself with. . . bigger thingsss. I'll take it from here." Snypiuer gives a "Uhhh, O.K.?" as Wyvern guides him off camera. With geld reflecting in his eyes, he turns a toothy grin to the camera, "You heard it folksss! Almossst Dragonic Enterprissesss - inconjuctionwiththeNimball™Asssociation, will bring to you 'The Grim Ssqueaker Punt, Passs and Kick Gamesss™'! Sstay tuned for more updatesss!" Some how, a smiling Cheer Mynx is by Wyverns' side, wearing a 'Grim Squeaker Punt, Pass and Kick' cheerleading outfit.

 

As the cameras are fading out, Wyvern is heard as he walks over to Snypiuer (with a claw full of legal papers), "It'sss been TOO long!" Snypiuer can be heard saying, "Uhhh???"

Edited March 28, 2008 by Snypiuer