The Almost Report "Au Natural"

[Wyvern]

Ah, nature. The beautiful sound of rustling leaves filtered through the playful nudges of the wind, the sight of the morning sunlight dancing on spots of brush through the forest treetops, the feel of the local raccoons as they gnaw through the expensive camera equipment, the-

 

Almost Report Episode 56, “Au Natural.” Take 2.

 

Ah, nature. The beautiful sound of rustling leaves filtered through the playful nudges of troglyodyte henchmen as they chase after a gang of raccoons with axes, the sight of the morning sunlight dancing on spots of brush through the forest treetops as it causes a blinding camera glare, the-

 

Almost Report Episode 56, “Au Natural.” Take 3.

 

The news cameras turn to a suspicious-looking bush, which stands on its own in an otherwise pretty clearing next to a cozy forest cottage. The odd position of the bush and the oversized thorns (read: horns) that stick from its top are strange to begin with, but the wilted brown color of the shrubbery is particularly noticeable and makes the bush look more fit for a tumbleweed competition than a forest in bloom. A set of ink-blotted infared goggles emerge from the front of the bush before Wyvern’s snout and wings pop out. The reptilian reporter stares off into the distance for a few minutes before turning and grinning towards the cameras.

 

“Greetingsss, voyeurism fans.” Wyvern pauses for a moment to stare back in the direction of the Pen Keep with his goggles, adjusting his hazy ink-stained lenses in the hopes of making a wolf-spotting… a Tanuchan spotting, to be exact, to make sure that she was occupied at her Pen quarters and not a threat to the illegal visit of the Report. “Welcome to the latessst Almost Report, where we usher in the Sssspring season and St. Patrick’s day with a look at one of the Pen’s coziest nature nooks: Tanuchan’s forest hut! Join usss as we spy on animals, scheme on animals, and sssit on animals if they’re furry and comfortable enough. That, CheerMynx, and more, coming up soon.”

 

Wyvern raises his goggles back up to his snout and stares back off in the direction of the Pen Keep, ignoring the forest and its copious wildlife completely. The overgrown lizard mumbles a few curses as he continues to fail to find any sign of Tanuchan at her quarters, and ends up trailing his blurry line of sight to a window of the Pen’s Cabaret Room.

 

“In recent Pen newsss, the coming of the new season has resulted in a number of uncommon pennite sightingssss. A warm welcome back to Joat, Snypiuer, Vlad, and Mai Takekaze amongssst others.” Wyvern squints and adjusts the zoom function on his goggles. “To celebrate the occasion, the Almost Report is now offering an Almost Dragonic Brand Honorable Pennite Spotting Guidebook™ for EZ identification. Essential for Pen sighting connaissseurs, only 80 geld cheap!”

 

Wyvern pulls out a flimsy pamphlet meant to represent a guidebook and holds it up for the cameras to see, flipping through the handwritten pages until it lands on a picture of Merelas labeled “Infernus Halfelficus.” The picture of Merelas depicts the flame elf in the midst of one of his birthday celebrations, with his cake candles burning a little too brightly for comfort. Wyvern taps the page twice with a claw, then snaps the pamphlet shut and stuffs it into some weeds hanging from the side of his wilted outfit. He then turns his attention back to the Pen Keep, shifting his goggles from one window to another.

 

“Of courssse, if you’re having trouble spotting rare pennites, Pen pets are fair game as well. Just check the Cabaret Room for some instant spotting list gratification.”

 

Wyvern tilts his head up as he spots Falcon’s Reply Raven in the sky, and cranes his neck as he watches the bird soar overhead. He turns his goggles in the direction of the forest in the hopes of identifying the raven’s landing spot, adjusting the zoom function on his goggles back and forth.

 

“And don’t forget to pitch a Bruteweiser back fer ol’ Saint Pat.” Wyvern glances at his outfit for a moment, making sure that not a hint of green is visible in the wilted shrubbery and grinning dumbly at the thought of CheerMynx giving him more than just a pinch. “Bruteweissser™ – the leading contributor of pink elephant pet sighting since the age of the Endless Decanter.”

 

With that, Wyvern grins and turns his goggled eyes back towards the forest. The reptilian reporter creeps to the left in his bush outfit a foot at a time over Tanuchan’s cottage clearing. He reaches deep into his shrubbery attire and pulls out a long prosthetic arm, which he uses to push up a tree branch that’s blocking his view of the wilderness. Wyvern licks his lips and glances left and right, finding no sign of the Reply Raven but twisting his snout in disgust at the sight of the lake near Tanuchan’s hut. The reptilian reporter turns to stare at a different section of the forest, only to pause and immediately backtrack to the visual of the lake. His jaw goes slack as he stares at the stunning image resting near the water…

[CheerMynx]

Wyvern was so caught up gazing at the beautiful figure relaxing by the lake that he didn't even hear the rustle of leaves or familiar hum approaching him from behind.

Coming to a halt a few feet short of the Almost Dragon, CheerMynx frowned when he didn't turn to greet her.

"Um, Wyvern?" CheerMynx tilted her head, almost losing Snuffles who was perched on the top of her head. "Like, what're you looking at?"

With a startled yelp, Wyvern turned and blinked dumbly at CheerMynx.

"Ch-CheerMynx! I was jussst..." Wyvern turned back to the lake, frowning in confusion as he wondered who he'd been gawking at. "Nevermind," Wyvern mumbled, before his brain kicked back into gear and he turned eagerly to see his Almost Intern's outfit. Which seemed to be made entirely of leaves. Not many though, maybe only a half dozen or so made up the bikini top and the matching skirt might have made use of double that number...maybe...

But what was most puzzling about the outfit was that the leaves were golden and dying, not green.

"Uh, CheerMynx?" Wyvern asked, "Isn't that outfit more ssuited to...err...Autumn?"

"But it IS Autumn, silly!" CheerMynx giggled. Wyvern stared at her blankly, causing the cheerline to falter. "Like, isn't it?"

"Wrong hemisphere, darling!"

Wyvern slapped himself to clear his head.

"Uhhh, it might be Autumn where you're from CheerMynx, but over here it's ssSpring!" Wyvern managed to stammer, wondering if CheerMynx would maybe lose a couple of leaves for the season...

"Wha?" CheerMynx tore her gaze away from the clouds, only to look down at her outfit. "Oh...well...um...like, I guess I should change...OH! I KNOW!" CheerMynx ducked offscreen for a moment and came back with a can of green spray paint.

"I like, got this for St Patrick's day!" the cheerline giggled as she shook the can and removed the lid.

"But ohmygawd Wyvie you would like not believe the trouble I had finding it! I mean like, did EVERYONE totally have the same idea as me?" Still chatting, CheerMynx aimed the can at her outfit and began to spray, unaware that she had misjudged the nozzle's aim, which was instead pointed at the camera lense.

"And then like everyone was insisting they were a goblin or whatever and someone wanted a...charm bracelet or something? But he was like TOTALLY wasted so Tammy and I..."

Slowly, the screen was filled with green paint, until all that was left of the footage was the Almost Intern's voice continuing her ramble, oblivious to Wyvern's weak attempts at alerting the cheerline to yet another piece of equipment she'd successfully destroyed...

[Wyvern]

"Ah, nature..." Wyvern sighs to himself as he feebly gestures in the direction of the camera, focussing more on CheerMynx's natural curves than the extent of the spray paint damages. The reptilian Elder gawks at the cheerline as her tail swooshes the leaves of her skirt back and forth, clearing his throat at the sight of more pelt than a striped fur coat convention. "N-n-now CheerMynxie, let'sss not get TOO fessstive. Errr, unless that involvesss making clover leaf confetti that isss."

 

Wyvern smiles to the cheerline in as charming a manner as he can muster, then turns to two of the troglyodyte news crew and begins gesturing frantically to indicate that the camera urgently needs cleaning. The troglyodytes glance to one another, then grumble to themselves and begin rolling the camera to a spot adjacent to Tanuchan's hut. Wyvern follows them to a small porch at the back of the cottage, where the troglyodytes begin spitting on cleaning rags to scrub the camera lens with. The overgrown lizard turns and leans back against a large wooden barrel next to the hut, looking down at his outfit and cursing inwardly as he notices that some green stray paint has landed on his wilted bush, making him un-pinchable. The lizard’s eyes quickly turn from his outfit to the approaching CheerMynx, however, and his pupils immediately start bouncing to the rhythm of the Almost Intern’s “leaf stacks.”

 

“And then Tammy kicked the cocktail cus’ her routines involve lots of kicks and it landed right in the half-orc goblin pal’s face and he cursed us out but not like a spell and then-“ CheerMynx pauses to observe Wyvern, whose eyes are now turned in the sky… perhaps to avoid becoming too consumed by the cheerline’s outfit, or perhaps because he’d spotted something in the air. “Like, Wyvie? Helloooo?”

 

CheerMynx tilts her head and waves a paw in front of Wyvern’s snout, then notices the direction that his eyes are directed and squeals with delight.

 

“Oooohhhhhh! Is it him again?!” CheerMynx bounces forward and brushes Wyvern to the side, moving her leafy rear against more scales than she was probably aware of. The cheerline glances upward to an excited whimper of almost dragonic distress, but droops her ears a bit when she only spots a Reply Raven soaring back in the direction of the Pen Keep. "Awwww, where's the Other guy?"

 

"W-w-wh-wh-what, that N-N-N-Naked one?" Wyvern's stammering dies down a bit as CheerMynx turns to nod enthusiastically in his direction, offering a few inches of distance in the process. The lizard turns his tail stinger back and forth against the barrel behind him in a nervous jitter. "Ehhh, h-he's alright. A-a-and I can be nekkid too, I mean errr, b-by requessst of courssse... maybe."

 

Wyvern continues turning his tail stinger back and forth as CheerMynx crosses her arms over her chest, possibly dislodging a leaf or two in the process. She stares at the overgrown lizard as his bush outfit seems to wilt further.

 

"P-p-p-plusss, I'm workin on my maniacal laugh. Of courssse, that Angel did have a really nice laugh... and nice wings, and a kinda nice-"

 

Wyvern freezes up and chokes in horror as his tail stinger makes a hole in the wooden barrel behind him, causing the rainwater collected within to stream down his tail and into his outfit. He begins doing his best impression of a mexican jumping bean bush as his delayed reaction kicks in, and cries out as he tosses weeds left and right in a futile effort to get out of his wet disguise...

[Tanuchan]

Thanks to Vene for writing with me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Tanny stretched, playing with a throwing knife in her hand while talking softly to Stephen.

 

"It wasn't that bad, you stubborn ranger! What is the problem with some skill practice early in the morning?"

 

Stephen made his best to hide a yawn, mumbling something that made Tanny laugh.

 

"Alright, but it was not my fault that you decided to practice your tracking skills in the dead of the night right where I was practicing with my knives... and you were silent enough that I missed your fingers."

 

"But not my sleeve!" His left hand's fingers checked again the tear on his right sleeve where Tanny had buried a knife about an hour ago, almost sending both of them into a blind fight at dawn. It was lucky for both of them that by then Stephen had put his stealth aside and grabbed more forcefully an earth thread, immediately making Tanny recognize him.

 

"And besides, you are supposed to know when I am around. You always complain of my earthly presence whenever you are touching your threads near me."

 

"Not when I'm practicing throwing without using earth energy..." She looked at him, amused. "I don't like trusting solely in my elemental abilities, just in case I am somehow blocked from them."

 

"And so you decide to practice right at dawn in the most secluded spot you can find?"

 

"Well, what were you doing there?"

 

Stephen decided not to answer, still muttering about wolves and women and tricky beings in general.

 

Tanny smiled, but as she turned to say something else she stopped abruptly.

 

::Hush!::

 

Stephen automatically grabbed his quarterstaff more firmly, finding the perfect balance as he immediately recognized the undertone of danger in Tanny's mind-voice.

 

::What?:: He scanned ahead using his touch with earth and so was able to feel the trampling of feet nearby, most likely pretty close to Tanny's cottage. ::Troglodytes::, he warned.

 

Tanny nodded. Both approached her cottage silently and ready for fighting, and Tanny was the first to hear the cry and the ruffling sound.

 

"I know that cry...?!" She frowned, suddenly sprinting ahead of Stephen. Her eyebrows shot up as she saw what seemed to be a mexican jumping bean bush dancing at the back of her house, squirming and wriggling, then she heard another shrill cry.

 

"Oh, Wyv... like, what a terrific dance... you are soooooo, totally like cool!"

 

 

Tanny froze. It took her a minute to take in everything around her house, and accept the unbelievable... there were an almost-dragon and a cheerline, and a crew of troglodytes, jumping and crying and cursing and spitting right at her back porch.

 

Stephen closed in behind her, mouth agape while not wanting to believe what his ears told him.

 

"Wyvern!!" Tanny hissed, and her icy voice cut straight through the din to stab Wyvern's ears.

 

He turned and stared, for a moment forgetting his wet disguise.

 

"Tanuchan! What a pleasure... it'sss been sssuch a long time... and I sssee our dear Ssstephen with you..." He grinned, glancing around frantically for some support. CheerMynx beamed, jumping up and down and clapping hands, oblivious to Snuffles protesting mewling as he tried to stay on his perch.

 

"Tanny!!! Oooh, are you like going to be all cute and furry again? It's like so totally nice of you to come to our report, we could so totally have you sparkling in golden glitter to show how wolves love the season, and a cute little green bow on your tail and..."

 

 

Tanny's hand flew to her face as she sighed, shaking her head. CheerMynx kept babbling about what a nice wolf outfit she had for her takes, while Wyvern got his prosthetic limb and talked about Almost Draconic Prosthetic Limbs ™, perfect for baiting prey into her range.

 

Then she heard a gasp, half-cry and half-wail, and turned to see Stephen stepping backwards.

 

"Oh no ... nonononono ... ooooohhh no ... NOT the Almost Report! Not the Almost Anytyhing, for that matter!"

 

She blinked, watching Stephen running off at incredible speed back toward the woods. She heard him crashing into the bushes and vines, and just hoped he wouldn't hit his hard head into any fragile tree as she turned back to Wyvern.

 

 

"What are you doing here?", she growled, glaring at him.