The Almost Report Reaches New Heights of Questionable Reporting

[Wyvern]

The news cameras wobble back and forth until they reach a steady diagonal angle, aiming down across part of a slanted Pen Tower rooftop to focus on a scaly red figure. Wyvern rummages through a variety of writing utensils and books that rest gathered in a cozy nook near a rise in the Tower’s roof structure, sitting cross-legged with his tail dangling through an open hole in the roof tiling. The lizard shuts the “Value of Poetry” book cradled in his claws, disappointed at the lack of financial information within, and raises himself to his feet to wave at the cameras.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to another episssode of the Almost Report. Voted ‘News Program Most Likely to Require Backup Camera Equipment’ by troglyodytesss everywhere.” Wyvern grins to the cameras and steps forward, accidentally dislodging roof tiles with his tail stinger in the process. “Today, we’re reporting to you live from Cyril Darkcloud’s Tower rooftop alcove for a bit of fresh air, as well as some nice views of pennite babe bedroom windowsss.”

 

A strong gust of wind blows by before Wyvern can continue, muffling his vocals and causing the cameras to wobble back and forth at dizzy angles. The overgrown lizard chatters his teeth and wraps himself in his wings for a moment, then clears his throat and continues once the wind has passed.

 

“To ssstart off this Report, I’d just like to give you CheerMynx fans a heads up that our resssident Almost Intern is off getting an emergency manicure and will probably not be back until the next Report.” Wyvern lets out a little sigh of longing as he thinks of the cheerline, then gestures his claws towards a life-sized cardboard cut-out of CheerMynx complete with attached pompoms. “In the mean time, pleassse accept this imitation CheerMynx for your weekly news ogle, and keep in mind that she’s always here in ssspirit.”

 

Wyvern continues pointing at the generic cheerline cut-out as another strong gust of wind blows across the rooftops, pulling the light cardboard cut-out up in its current. Wyvern bites his lip as he watches the imitation CheerMynx do several twirls in the air before soaring into the open window of Patrick’s Pen quarters. He winces at the possible reaction from the techy tinkerer and turns back to the cameras with a nervous laugh.

 

“*Eehhhem* In today’s Pen newsss, the Almost Report would like to extend it’ssss best birthday wishes to Venefyxatu… not sure how aging works with you necromantic typesss, but I got ya a little gift regardless.” Wyvern waits for another howling gust of wind to pass, then lifts up a small bottle made of zombie muscle with a little spray cap on top of it. “Thisss Almost Dragonic Brand Eau de Putrification™ will be sure to amplify your zombies’ scentsss, and will attract other necromantic types as a result. Hope ya have a great one!”

 

Wyvern turns for a moment to pull out a large cardboard cut-out claw with the words “I <3 Wyvern Fan #1” scrawled on it in an illegible hand. He holds it up for a total of three seconds before another strong gust of wind blows it away. The claw soars through the air before getting caught in a nearby treetop, landing in a position that happens to be pointing in the direction of Tzimfemme’s lodgings. Wyvern chatters his teeth again, then hisses.

 

“In further newsss, members of the ‘I <3 Wyvern Fan Club’ should note that a new free tailoring quest has been issued to the zealous massesss. Become an Almost Report fashion celebrity by having a dress or outfit of yer own creation featured on the show! Jussst sign on the dotted line, next to the bit about ‘100% free of charge.’”

 

With that, Wyvern bows to the cameras, waits for another gust of wind to pass, and moves down to the edge of the Tower. The overgrown lizard pulls out a sketchy map of rooms under the Tower roof and licks his lips, tying his tail stinger down to an area of the roof in the hopes of doing a bit of Pen gal window spelunking. He angles his claws to wear he thinks Appy’s bedroom might be located, then crawls off of the Tower edge with a claws up to the cameras. The lizard’s tail pulls dangerously on the roof tiles that it’s tied to, but the cameras are pulled away by a gust of wind before any viewers can see the result…