Freya Baggins Posted February 14, 2008 Report Posted February 14, 2008 When last I sent a Valentine, I thought the world of you, but now my heart is broken, I know not what to do. Take back your empty words, Take back your empty lies, I never wish to see your face before my red-rimmed eyes. My heart belonged to you, you crushed it in your grasp, and now I must plead and beg, "Please, release your clasp!" Release my heart, O foolish one, Leave, and come no more, For I do long for freedom, as I've never longed before. When last I sent a Valentine, I thought the world of you, but now my heart is broken, I know not what to do.
Wyvern Posted February 14, 2008 Report Posted February 14, 2008 A heartfelt poem (no pun intended), Freya. :-) Seperating with someone who you've invested a great deal of time and emotion into can be a very painful process, as this poem shows. I like the concept of "freedom" being a release from longing in the fourth stanza, as love can certainly be a form of entrapment at times. In terms of things that might be improved upon in future revisions, the rhyme scheme felt a bit forced to me at times and might be restraining the poem from reaching its full potential. The reference to the ex-loved one as "O foolish one" in the fourth stanza was also a bit odd to me, both for the olden language and for the idea of the person who stole the narrator's heart being a fool. Nicely done overall, Freya. :-) Thanks for sharing this here, and a very Happy Valentine's to you. Here's hoping you're doing well.
Freya Baggins Posted February 16, 2008 Author Report Posted February 16, 2008 In terms of things that might be improved upon in future revisions, the rhyme scheme felt a bit forced to me at times and might be restraining the poem from reaching its full potential.Yeah, I notice that about a lot of my poems I can never get the rhyme scheme to be quite as flowey as I want. The reference to the ex-loved one as "O foolish one" in the fourth stanza was also a bit odd to me, both for the olden language and for the idea of the person who stole the narrator's heart being a fool.Two things here a)I am odd in that I use olden lauguage more than a lot of people, and the person is a fool because they hold on even after they have been rejected. Does that make sense?
Ozymandias Posted February 17, 2008 Report Posted February 17, 2008 I'd say so. It refers to the other person as being a fool who is 'holding on even after they have been rejected', which works because you referring to them as foolish after saying that they lie, conveys that other person having a personality utterly comfortable with doing the *wrong* thing with good intentions...thus they are a fool for holding on, because it's obvious to all but them that they're no good for you, because they, for whatever reason continue to be so, and oblivious to that fact (the tone is too casual to suggest any forcefulness on the other person's part, so oblivious was the most logical conclusion for me).
Freya Baggins Posted February 18, 2008 Author Report Posted February 18, 2008 I'd say so. It refers to the other person as being a fool who is 'holding on even after they have been rejected', which works because you referring to them as foolish after saying that they lie, conveys that other person having a personality utterly comfortable with doing the *wrong* thing with good intentions...thus they are a fool for holding on, because it's obvious to all but them that they're no good for you, because they, for whatever reason continue to be so, and oblivious to that fact (the tone is too casual to suggest any forcefulness on the other person's part, so oblivious was the most logical conclusion for me). You nailed that one. That's exactally what I was referring to. "Obvious to all but them." Wish that wasn't true. (forget I said that, JK!)
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