The Almost Report Conspires to Cook Wiggly Cabbage

[Wyvern]

The news cameras power on to a close-up of what appears to be a blazing inferno, with flickers of flame dancing left and right like some kind of exotic personal cheerleader performance. The news crew has the common sense to move back when the heat starts making the lenses hazy, panning out until the image of the open oven door and its flaming contents is fully revealed. The cameras make a sharp turn to the left as they catch Wyvern racing in with a large bucket of cider, then shake their way to the right as the lizard trips and tosses the liquid towards the flames with a yelp. The spurts of heat and cries of desperation that follow are too much for the crew to handle, and an explosion of ash causes the cameras to topple over to the point of the image being obscured completely.

 

The screen goes black for a long moment until the words “Take 2” appear in a white almost dragonic hand against the background.

 

The news cameras fade in to a pair of miniature chef hats, which rest on the horns of a certain reptilian reporter’s head. Wyvern adjusts the “Chocolate or Bust” brown bartender smock that covers his torso and raises a charred claw at the cameras.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the Almost Report Culinary Hour.” Wyvern grins towards the cameras and ignores the black smoke that wafts behind him and the soot stains that dot his outfit. He lifts an extremely charred piece of what might have been a pastry and bites into it, crunching on it without flinching. “Live from Celes Crusador’s Café, we’ll give you advice on ingredientsss and beverages to compliment the highlight dish of the season: peeled wiggly cabbage, served half-live with sweet telekinetic sugar swirl and mashed brain ssstem.”

 

Wyvern reaches somewhere behind the billows of black smoke and pulls out an iron mixer, followed by a few colorfully labeled bottles of liquor and a transparent vial of pure liquid red. The overgrown lizard licks his lips and winks towards the cameras as he tosses the various liquids together in a haphazard manner, shaking them up and spilling a solid week’s worth of expensive alcohol in the process.

 

“In termssss of drinks, I thought I’d concoct a lil’ Type-O Typhoon Slammer in honor of Black’s recent birthday. If yer vampiric in nature, this lil’ tonic goes down very nicely to the screams of tortured wiggly cabbages.” Wyvern pours the sloppy mixture into a bat-emblazoned mug, spilling it over the rim. “Feel free to give yer best regards to Black in the Cabaret, and scope out Anna’s Mansion as well while yer at it.”

 

Wyvern turns towards an elegant French cupboard of the Café and opens it, sorting through spice racks until he tosses out a bottle of Black Cactus Flaming Sting Spice and a flat round container of Cabbage Wound Tenderizing Salt.

 

“Of courssse, for any fine Wiggly Cabbage delicacy, you’ll need the right ssseasoning.” Wyvern sets a container of Almost Dragonic Brand Imp Ash Pepper™ on the counter in front of him, setting it on top of the Black Cactus Spice and the Tenderizing Salt so that it’s a visually dominant piece of the set-up. “And ssspeaking of season, voting Pen members should be sure to check out the February promotions vote for free seasonal snack sssamplers. Voting closes on January 31rst, so be sure to drop off yer votes and tassste yer free samplers before then.”

 

Wyvern arranges the three spice containers on the counter so that the Almost Dragonic Brand Imp Ash Pepper™ looks even more dominant, then proceeds to reach into a drawer and pull out some extremely sharp looking cutlery, some of which could easily pass as torture devices. Along with the sharp cabbage shredders, the lizard sets down a tiny mousetrap made entirely out of bone.

 

“While preparing your half-live peeled wiggly cabbage, it’sss important that you take the proper precautions against greedy rodentsss.” Wyvern taps the mousetrap with a grin, only to cringe and grit his teeth as it snaps down on one of his claws. He twists his snout as he pulls it off with a *clack.* “And in case you don’t believe in the rodent issue, jussst check the Assembly Room, where the Grim Squeaker was recently ssspotted chewing on story ending scraps.”

 

Wyvern dusts off his claws, then adds a small chocolate sprinkle shaker and a chocolate saucer to the mix, for no list of ingredients would be complete without at least a little chocolate, Wyvern pats the jumbled pile of extras and equipment before facing the cameras with a toothy grin.

 

“Of course, sssome of you may be wondering where to obtain a wiggly cabbage to cook with. Gwaihir’s greenhouse is a bit of a guarded fortress as far as wiggly cabbages are concerned, so you gotta keep yer eyes peeled for’em elsewhere.” Wyvern raises a doodle sketch of a wiggly cabbage and points at it with a claw. “Jussst recently, an appetizing wiggly cabbage by the name of Chiroq was spotted in the Conservatory. Feel free to give him the finest of Pen greetings, and don’t forget to bring the salt!”

 

Wyvern winks towards the cameras, then sets the sketch down on top of the mess he’s made on the counter and steps in front of the serving area, leaning back against it and blocking most of the smoke.

 

“And to wrap up this sssegment of the Report on a ssscandalous note, Loremaster Ozymandias was recently spotted ssstreaking in the Cabaret Room. This is the first nekkid mage sighting since Tzimfemme’s last appearance in August, and has caused a (rather minor) stir amongst pennites.”

 

Thoughts of nekkid mages give Wyvern a flashback to the close encounters of last week’s Almost Report, which causes him to blush slightly and curl his tail a bit. He leans further back against the Café counter in an attempt to maximize his machismo before CheerMynx arrives, reaching over for the bat-emblazoned mug and narrowing his eyes slyly as he slowly takes a sip. The overgrown spits out the liquid in hacks and wheezes as he suddenly remembers that it’s made for vampires, clutching his throat and retching a bit before slamming it back down on the counter.

 

"*Ahem* Ssstay tuned as CheerMynx gives some advice on how to ssserve this wonderful dish, along with other tassssssssty tidbits …”

[CheerMynx]

It wasn't long before a familiar voice could be heard humming as the owner approached the kitchen from somewhere out of shot. With the squeaking of hinges, a side door into the kitchen opened, revealing CheerMynx's tail as the cheerline backed into the room, something in her hands.

Turning to face the camera, it was revealed that the item was actually a baking tray, covered with brightly iced cookies in various shapes - a kitten, a star, a blob that looked like a pompom, etc. CheerMynx herself was dressed in a stereotypical 50s housewife dress. If 50s housewives were a lot more evocative than history has led us to believe, that is. The short, sky blue petticoated dress was topped off with a matching hair and tail ribbon, and a big bow around Snuffle's neck.

Smiling happily at the camera, CheerMynx sketched a curtsey, nearly overbalancing the tray of cookies in the process.

"Eep!" she yelped, before recovering both her pose and her smile once more.

"Hiiiiii! So, like, Wyvie said we were cooking today but he mentioned something about cabbage which - and no offence Gwai but - as a meal? Ewwww!" CheerMynx scrunched her nose in distaste and flicked her tail, petticoats lifting enough with the movement to make Wyvern choke slightly.

"SO, I totally made some cookies instead!" the Almost Intern beamed vacantly. "And they're from my special recipe, so each cookie only has like one quarter of a callory! Er...before I iced them, that was...I don't think I used real butter in the icing recipe..." CheerMynx trailed off for a moment in thought, before she shook her head to clear it and spun to offer the tray of cookies to Wyvern, once again nearly losing the tray's contents in the speed of her movement.

"Whoops, sorry Wyvie!" CheerMynx giggled. "I like, totally need to be more careful, don't you think?"

The cheerline hadn't even noticed that as she'd spun she'd tangled one of the camera crew's power cables around her hind paw.

"Ooooh wine!" CheerMynx enthused, dumping the tray uncerimoniously on the countertop as she reached for the mug that Wyvern had taken a sip from mere moments ago. The Almost Dragon's eyes wided as he saw the cup approach CheerMynx's lips, but his mouth was full with the cookie he'd swiped as soon as the tray had come within reach.

"Mmdfhj!" Wyvern tried to mumble around the food in his mouth, but CheerMynx had already swallowed a big gulp.

The smile on her face faded, as an aftertaste that was familiar enough to other personages of the feline made itself apparent on her tongue.

"Oh. My. Gawd..." CheerMynx began to gasp hysterically. "Ew ew ew ew EWWWWWWWWW!" the cheeline swiped at her tongue with her paws, backpedalling as quickly as she could, tightening the cable that was tangled around her leg until it pulled taut, taking the cheerline, and the power with it.

With a loud scream and a crash, the screen went black...

[Wyvern]

... for a long moment, until the words “Take 3” appear in a white almost dragonic hand against the background.

 

The cameras flicker back to life and focus in on a group of aggravated troglyodytes, who are untangling camera equipment and arguing amongst themselves while occasionally gesturing to the right. The cameras shift in that direction to reveal 50s housewife CheerMynx with her leg knotted in power cord, along with Wyvern kneeling down and inspecting the extent of the entanglement.

 

"Sssfhtddfk" mumbles Wyvern as he feels over the cords surrounding CheerMynx's foot, tugging at various spots in what appears to be an attempt at finding a location loose enough to untie the knot. "Gfragorble ffrcdasz."

 

Wyvern notices CheerMynx's confused expression, and pauses for a moment to swallow the two kitten cookies crammed in his mouth. He clears his throat and begins poking around the ankle area of the cords.

 

"To anssswer yer earlier question 'Mynxie, I think we should consider being a little more careful 'round these Reports." Wyvern frowns slightly and looks Snuffles in the eyes with an expression of genuine concern. "I certainly wouldn't want ya to get hurt. And besssides, a broken limb would hardly be suited for a cheerleading feline such as yerself."

 

Wyvern's claws move up from the shin area of the cords to the knee as he continues hissing.

 

"Of courssse, then again, the danger does kinda add to the whole athletic appeal..." A spout of flame bursts from the still-dangerous damaged stove in the background, causing a billow of smoke to pass over the scene. "I guesss we just need to find some sorta balance. Y'know, kinda like balancing diets or checkbooks or Almost Intern Fashion Fu-"

 

"Ummm, Wyv?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Like, your claw. There aren't any power cords around my thigh." The billow of smoke passes and reveals the half-cold, half-bemused look on CheerMynx's face. "How's the knot coming anyway?"

 

"The knot...?" Wyvern considers for a second, then freezes up as he realizes his slip of tongue. He glances at CheerMynx's expression and quickly removes his claw from her furry thigh, cringing at the thought of another perfectly legitimate excuse gone to waste. He twiddles his claws and finally manages to croak. "O-Oh the knot, well of courssse! I'm uhhh, just, y'know, still trying here..."

 

Wyvern bites his lower lip a bit as he sees that CheerMynx is not quite buying it, and his mind races for a way to switch the subject via small talk. He sticks his tail stinger between two of the outmost cords and begins tugging at them in an actual attempt to search for a cord loose enough to untie the knot.

 

"Sssoooo, uhhhhh..." Wyvern's brain frantically picks the last subject he reported on as a means of taking CheerMynx's attention away from the leg thing, only realizing the awkwardness that the words add to the situation after they've been spoken. "How about that Ozymandias nekkid in the Cabaret Room huh?"