The Almost Report Expands its Knowledge of Feline Predators

[Wyvern]

The news cameras pan over a silky black sofa and its adjacent onyx counter, moving to the sound of sophisticated violin recordings in the background. The cameras focus on the portraits of several distinguished-looking cats in elegant attire that hang over the sofa until Wyvern’s reptilian face breaks the trend with its scaly snout and lack of monocle. The news cameras pan out a bit as Wyvern adjusts his position, revealing the full extent of the room’s luxurious décor as well as Wyvern’s scarlet smoking jacket and matching geld-shaded pajama pants. The reptilian Elder kicks his feet and tail up on a glass elk-shaped table that rests near an unlit fireplace, stretching his arms behind his horns with a smug look of almost dragonic relaxation.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the latest Almost Report. This week, to belatedly celebrate the birthday of a certain pennite while expanding our knowledge of feline predators, we’ve decided to broadcast to you direct from Lord Panther’s humble abode.” Wyvern removes his feet from the table and shifts his tail to a less visible position. “A belated Happy Birthday to you Panther, we’ll be decorating this place with confetti over the courssse of the Report plus I gotcha an Almost Dragonic Brand Werewolf-Sized Bear Claw Trap™ for yer RP gaming convenience.”

 

Wyvern tosses a bit of shredded gift ribbon to make the couch more festive, then pauses and picks up a book entitled “The Psychology of Prey” from the elk table. The overgrown lizard flips through it, considers his situation with CheerMynx and the Report’s funding for a moment, then tosses it back down and lifts himself to his feet. He brushes that dark hair that’s naturally accumulated on the sofa from his smoking jacket, and dusts off his claws as he hisses:

 

“And Lord Panther’sss birthday ain’t the only one being celebrated.” Wyvern tosses another clawful of cheap gift ribbon confetti into the air. “Though we’re technically a Monday Report, I’d like to extend my very bessst birthday wishes to Salinye, whose exuberant high-elf ways have filled the Pen with exciting events and a friendly presence for years. We already reported once from yer Hostel so that’s off-limits to our camera crew, but I’ve sssent an Almost Dragonic Brand Geld-Based Life Question Answer Guide™ to your quarters as a gift. All the bessst!”

 

Wyvern wanders out of Lord Panther’s lounging room and sets about examining the rest of his quarters, sprinkling confetti rather than tossing it as his fascination gets the best of him. The kitchen and bar contain several glossy saucers to drink from and a menu of alcoholic beverages, all of which incorporate warm milk in some way or another. The expansive living room has a large window with a cushioned black mattress next to it for camouflaged sunbaths, along with trophy heads of a few formidable prey displayed on the wall. In some ways, it reminded Wyvern of Mynx’s quarters, but with a darker set of hues and far fewer weapons… and a bit more orderliness, possibly the byproduct of being a former Legionnaire.

 

“In non-birthday related Pen newsss, the Mighty Cartographer Quill Quest continues to be open to applicants and that Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball™ is still on the loose somewhere near the Cabaret.” Wyvern pauses as he notices the scaly head of a dragonic creature on Lord Panther’s trophy rack, and lets out a gulp as he considers himself prey. “A-alssso, if yer feeling less creative, we’d love to hear some o’yer thoughts on Music or Movies.”

 

With that, Wyvern huddles back against a large statue of a pouncing panther and awaits the arrival of CheerMynx, a bit nervous on account of the thoughts of predatory felines running through his head…

[CheerMynx]

A quiet rustle behind the couch made Wyvern start nervously and glance in its direction. He thought he saw a flicker of movement, but before the Almost Dragon had time to investigate, his vision was filled with a flash of something black, blue and blonde before the thing hit Wyvern hard in the chest and tackled him to the floor.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" CheerMynx grinned widely, her sharp teeth filling Wyvern's vision for a long moment before the cheerline bounded off him and posed to show off her outfit. This week, CheerMynx was dressed in a cheerleading outfit that was predominantly black, barring a few strategic blue stripes and a symbol of a panther's head on the front of her crop top. The back of the top read "Carolina Panthers", while Snuffles sat on her shoulder with a matching Panther's medal attached to a collar.

"Do you like it?" the cheerline did a twirl for the prone and gaping Wyvern. "It's totally, like, official merch too! Top quality stuff!"

Or at the least, top 'quality' price, Wyvern couldn't help but thinking with a wince that was missed by his Intern.

Shaking her black and blue pompoms, CheerMynx turned her attention to the camera and beamed.

"So, like, Happy birthday Panther!" she giggled and shook her pompoms again. "I'd, like, do a routine for you but it's a little cramped in here so like totally catch me up for a raincheck, kay? It can be like your birthday present," CheerMynx winked at the camera.

"And happy birthday to Salinye too! I don't know if you'd like to see my routine, girlfriend, but a free makeover is TOTALLY on offer if you just drop me a line sometime soon, kk?" CheerMynx giggled.

"As for the rest of you lot, like, you should totally be getting into that cart...carto...cartogr...Quill thingy! And come on, peoples, who DOESN'T like playing with balls?" the cheerline's laugh completely drowned out the strangled noise that escaped Wyvern's snout.

As if completely forgetting her earlier claim of Panther's quarters being cramped, CheerMynx - unable to not show off her prowess for the camera - seemed to decide that that moment would be a perfect time to do a one-pawed cartwheel. The move was perfectly executed...except for the fact that CheerMynx was still wearing her pompoms...

As the cheerline's body moved beyond its point of balance or recovery, the pom in her paw slipped out from under her, causing the cheerline to fall with a loud yelp as she landed right on the camera that had been focussing on her.

With an expensive crunch, the screen turned first to static, and then faded to black...

[Wyvern]

The cameras flicker back on with a shaky swerve, focussing on the sight of two troglyodyte makeup crew minions attempting to help the entangled CheerMynx to her feet. Wyvern stares off into the distance with his left eye twitching, missing a perfectly good opportunity to catch some interesting Carolina Panther skirt positions as he bubbles with a terrified sort of excitement. Perhaps it stemmed from the thought of CheerMynx's panther pride crushing him in her pounce moments earlier, or maybe he was just letting her balls comment bounce through his head to the tone of cheerline laughter, but either way his thoughts were clearly not on the scene of the camera disaster. The overgrown lizard hisses quietly and leans his head back where he stands, almost tipping over a valuable panther paw sculpture with one of his horns. He awakens from his reverie at the feel of one of CheerMynx's pompoms rustling against his face.

 

"Hunh?"

 

"Wyvvveeerrrrrrrnnnnnnnnn." CheerMynx stares at Wyvern with a slightly scolding predatory look. "I just asked, like, how was I?"

 

"Oh! Great, great..." Wyvern instinctively reaches for the weekly cost sheet from his tunic and clears his throat as he unravels it. His scales seem to droop a bit as he notices the number of digits next to the cheerleader outfit, and he clears his throat again. "Great. J-j-jussst great. Lisssten, now I know the cheerleader look is in, but maybe we shouldn't pass on the posssibility of cheerfollower unifo-"

 

"You don't like it?" CheerMynx sulks a little bit and looks up at Wyvern with eyes that look more like an innocent kitten's than a predatory feline's.

 

"Oh no no no! I jussst errrr, the cost is kinda, that is, uhhhh... well, I just need to tessst it to make sure that it's the real product." Wyvern folds up the cost sheet and suppresses a twitching grin. "Just by rubbing the panther head, y'know, to make sure it's not a fake."

 

"Oh. Well sure." CheerMynx tosses her hair back with one of her paws, then tilts her head back and sticks her chest out for easy access. "Just tell me when you're ready."

 

Wyvern rubs his claws together and lets his tongue hang loose, responding in a mere seconds time.

 

"ready"

 

Wyvern slowly reaches out with a trembling claw to start feeling the panther head amongst other things, only to pause and frown when Snuffles steps out onto CheerMynx's chest with a proud "mew." The little kitten sticks his head up so that his panther head medal dangles in Wyvern's direction.

 

"Yep." Wyvern lets out a dismal sigh as he rubs Snuffle's panther medal in one of his claws. "This is the real thing alright."

 

;-)