The Almost Report Recovers From Scheming Over a New Year

[Wyvern]

The news cameras creak to the right, moving away from the dark oak obscuring their lenses and halting as they spot Wyvern’s horns sticking out from a pile of empty Bruteweiser bottles. The horns shift as Wyvern slowly hunches over, his face twisting up at the extra-loud noise that the clatter of bottles seems to make. The overgrown lizard groans and raises a claw to his head, then slowly wobbles to his feet and cranes his aching neck to familiarize himself with his surroundings. The chamber bears a vague resemblance to an ancient Western bar, with cobwebs stretching over old kegs and the inescapable scent of aged beer stains filling the room. Wyvern scratches his horns at the oddly familiar look of the quarters, then spots the Melba wards hanging on the doors and immediately identifies the spot as Brute’s old haunts. The overgrown lizard slowly turns towards the cameras, knocking over another Bruteweiser bottle with his tail stinger and cringing at the noise.

 

“*Ahehem* Welcome to the, uhhh, Almost Report. Yer number one sssspot for news Pen stuff… Pen newsss stuff.” Wyvern rubs his head groggily and moves forward, almost slipping over the heads of one of the scattered beer bottles. “Join usss as we recover from last week’s New Years celebrations in what appear to be Brute’s old Pen quarters? Uuugh.”

 

Wyvern does half a spin and hobbles over to the ancient bar counter, collapsing onto one of the stools in a dizzy stupor. The rickety stool breaks under the reptilian Elder’s weight, its three legs rolling off in different directions. Wyvern grumbles and lays back for a moment in the hopes of getting his bearings, then breaths a small wisp of smoke and turns his head to the cameras.

 

“*Ahehehem* In today’sss news, pennites who are interested in descriptive geography or who have simply gotten tired of Almost Dragonic Brand Ogre Quilt Mapping™ should be sure to check out Venefyxatu’s Cartography Quill Quest.” Wyvern begins dragging himself back up onto his feet, using the bar counter as his support. “In addition to helping Venefyxatu with details of the Pen Keep, you can sssign up to direct him to Portals with new worlds to map. Check it out whenever ya get the chance.”

 

Wyvern grunts as he wobbles forward again, spreading his wings to try to gain some balance but stopping as something foreign brushes against his back. The overgrown lizard reaches behind him and tugs at something until he dislodges a fairly large green vine that was stuck between his wings. He lifts the tangled vine in front of him and raises a brow, noting the specks of geld-shaped confetti that dot its trunk and the Bruteweiser caps coiled in the tips of its tendrils.

 

“*Ahehehehem* In further newsss, the Almost Report is interested in hearing some of your favorite music picks for 2007.” Wyvern drops the vine and shoves it to the side with his tail in a nonchalant manner. “We’re obviously aware that the ‘Mighty Pen Narratives’ and ‘Epilogue EP’ dominate yer top two spotsss, but we’re always interested in hearing yer thoughtsss on other music that you adore.”

 

Wyvern winks to the cameras, then turns his head away and belches a small ball of flame, which disintegrates prior to reaching any random target. The reptilian lifts his claws to his mouth with a painfully sick expression, then turns and begins wobbling over to a large cupboard in the corner of the room in the hopes of finding some more booze to cure his nausea. He wheezes another wisp of smoke, however, as an unconscious troglyodyte holding several broken firecrackers and a frame of glass topples out of the cupboard and rolls over the ground, not waking up. Wyvern grunts and scratches his head as he stares down at the troglyodyte, trying to remember what exactly happened that night one week ago. His expression goes blank as he suddenly realizes that he can’t remember what happened with CheerMynx that night either…

[CheerMynx]

Wyvern's wondering was interrupted by a groan from the corner. There was a rustle, followed by a loud crash and a yelp. Sitting up amidst a pile of bottles and confetting, CheerMynx winced at the movement and groaned again.

"Snuffles?" She mumbled, getting an annoying mewl in response. Digging through the mess, CheerMynx found the minion and placed him on her shoulder. Snuffled grudginly opened his eyes, only to have CheerMynx wince again at the glare.

"I'm totally wasted," the cheerline mumbled to noone in particular, still trying to gather her wits. The normally sleek creature was a mess, her fur and hair ruffled and tangled, her shirt on back to front and inside out, a party hat tied to her tail with a rubberband, etc.

Blinking a few times, CheerMynx eventually managed to sync enough with Snuffles to notice Wyvern looking at her with a strange look on his face.

"Wyvvy?" CheerMynx asked. "Like, where are we?"

"Uh," Wyvern licked his lips and shuffled towards his Intern, brain trying to process the facts. CheerMynx had only been lying about a yard away from where Wyvern had woken up...her clothes were rearranged....was that a pair of fluffy handcuffs attached to one of her arms? Wracking his brain to try and remember what he'd done before he blacked out, the Almost Dragon couldn't help but wonder if any part of his forgotten memory involved CheerMynx.

"What...what do you remember, CheerMynxxx?" Wyvern tried to keep his voice neutral, tail twitching slightly.

"Well, I was partying out at the beach with these guys from Sandra's school and then someone had like a table of tequila shots and I like totally lost a bet so I got handcuffed to the bar and had to do the shots left-pawed and then Johnny threw up, which was gross, so I threw up, so they took me home but you weren't there so we came looking for you and you were like totally passed out and I was tired so I figured I'd sleep here too...wherever here is...what happened here with you anyway?..."

CheerMynx rambled on as she looked around, unaware of the defeated expression on Wyvern's face as his hopes that he had been (at least partly) to blame for the rumpled appearance of his Almost Intern were dashed by her recollection. Wyvern looked around the mess again and tried to collect his thoughts when a squeal from CheerMynx rang loud enough in his ears for his vision to blur.

"OMG are we FILMING?!" CheerMynx yelped, realising the extent of her dishevelment and leaping up in a panic.

"Nonono turn it off!" the cheeline wailed, rushing towards the camera only to trip on the mess of cables that littered the floor.

With a shower of sparks, the camera went black...

[Wyvern]

With a flicker of static the darkness turns to a tilted and rather shakey image of Brute's old quarters, with static cutting across the lens ever so often and the visuals occasionally going wavy and losing focus. The lens still manages to capture CheerMynx and Wyvern, though, despite the horizontal angle and broken camera cord that lays coiled on the ground.

 

"This is not, like, Next Top Tigress!" CheerMynx frantically tries to groom her fur and straighten her hair at once, standing next to the old bar counter and using the pane of glass that the unconscious troglyodyte had been holding as a makeshift mirror. The glass was transparent, but Snuffles was sitting at the other end of it and staring right at CheerMynx to give her a pretty clear reflection of herself. "I mean, there shouldn't be filming when I'm not prepped. Oh geeze, this hair could pass for a Ragdoll cat in yellow or something. And Sandra was ssoooooo supposed to give me a makeover."

 

Wyvern ceases rubbing his temples and eases his pained expression a bit, still recovering from the sound of all the cameras clattering down. He groans and sets about watching CheerMynx prep herself, striking a small grin as he admires her in all her disheveled cheerline glory. The overgrown lizard's scales go a slightly deeper shade of red as he notices the familiar bright pink comb that CheerMynx uses... or maybe the presence of the fluffy handcuffs was continuing to cause his imagination to run away with itself.

 

"Errrr *urp,* to anssswer yer earlier question, Mynxie, I think my night had something to do with hallucinegenic pollen and troglyodyte pyramids. Dunno... These quarters're prolly where all the hungover end up, one way or another." Wyvern reaches into his tunic and pulls out a small vine and a firecracker before finding a formal-looking sheet of paper. "By the way, I know that the Almost Intern Fashion Fund states 'per Report,' but thisss Report and last Report were kinda outfit-less and I was wondering if-"

 

"Could you like, turn around for a bit Wyvern?"

 

"Ah, s-sure."

 

Wyvern grumbles and drums his claws on the tabletop as he shifts his position so that he's facing away from CheerMynx. He sighs over another savings opportunity lost and glances down at a camera lens with a look that could only be saying "if she's undressing, you better be recording."

 

;-)