The Almost Report Schemes Over a New Year

[Wyvern]

The news cameras wobble at a dizzy diagonal angle, almost tipping over as they catch a lens-full of decorative geld-shaped confetti. The cameras swerve and practically topple over as they turn towards the glass walls of the chamber, which offer a beautiful view of the New Years quill lights that have been strung over the Pen Keep's walls and Courtyard. The lenses swerve sideways in time to spot two of the troglyodyte news crew bouncing through the room to the sound of blaring house music in the background, then turn as a familiar claw grabs them and twists them in the proper direction. Wyvern strikes a toothy grin and lets go of the cameras once he’s certain that they’re facing him. He adjusts a lampshade hat with horn holes on his scaly head and ties a paper maché bra around his neck like a scarf, then points his claws and winks.

 

“Greetingsss, and a Happy New Years to the Mighty Pen from everyone at the Almost Report.” Wyvern lifts a martini glass filled with little more than Bruteweiser and lets his tongue droop to soak it in. “We’re reporting to you live this evening from Waterlily’s greenhouse, where a giant ball of pollen is scheduled to drop around midnight. We unfortunately doubt that CheerMynx will be able to join us thisss evening, uber-popular feline icon that she is, but she’ll ssstill be here in spirit and will be back for the next Report. In the mean time, pleassse feel free to feast your eyes on the other sights and sounds the Almost Report has to offer.”

 

Wyvern grins and lifts his glass, not noticing the shirtless troglyodytes dancing around the giant Waterlily in the background. The slimy bellies of the news crew provide a sharp contrast to CheerMynx’s typically tantalizing presence, and Waterlily’s gyrating vines don’t seem to help the Report’s sex appeal much either.

 

“A few newsss items while we prepare for the final count down.” Wyvern pulls the napkin from under his martini glass and unfolds it, then lifts it to his snout to read. “As we move into a new year, pennites may want to consider the future of the community and the ways in which they’d like to help out or see it improved. The new 2008 Pen Platform in the Cabaret Room is a perfect opportunity to voice yer thoughts, so get yerself inebriated and go ssspeak your mind... or slur it, at least.”

 

Wyvern winces as the sound of the house music grows louder in the background, accompanied by troglyodyte cheers and the rustle of plant leaves. He lifts a claw to his snout and raises his voice as he continues.

 

“In other newsss, an important Pen object hassss gone missing.” Wyvern balances the martini glass on his snout and digs into his pockets, eventually pulling out a crumpled photograph of a normal-looking ball. He raises the picture closer to the cameras, its color obscured by the lighting of the New Years greenhouse. “Almost Dragonic Brand Vampiric Batting Ball™. Blood red. Squishy. Bouncy. Occasionally leaksss. Mostly harmlessss. Thought to have limited flight ability. Pleassse call 1-900-ALMOSTREPORTNEEDSYOURGELD if you have any info on its whereabouts.”

 

Wyvern drops the napkin news sheet as the lighting of the greenhouse begins shifting colors to the trogylodyte chanting in the background. The lights reflect off of the glass walls and ceilings, causing a blinding effect.

 

“Lasssst but not least, I’d like to extend my belated Happy Birthday wishes to Madoka, the original samurai shepherdess of the Pen Keep.” Wyvern claps his claws together, paying no attention to the countdown being chanted in the background. “In honor of her birthday, I thought I’d do the final News Years countdown in increments of sheep. Sssso, without further ado, let’s get sta-”

 

Wyvern’s countdown is cut short as a wave of pollen suddenly fills the room while the sound of raucous cheering rings out in the background. The pollen obscures the image on the cameras, despite Wyvern’s best attempts at lighting via flame-fueled sneezes…