The Almost Report Broadcasts on "Black Monday"

[Wyvern]

“SALE! SSSALE! $$$$$$AALLLE!”

 

Wyvern continues chanting his mantra as the cameras power on and circle the decorative flourishes of CheerMynx’s bedroom HQ. The room is so loaded with product placement that it’s difficult to recognize the familiar pinks and pompoms of the cheerline’s sleeping quarters. Large billboards for Almost Dragonic Brand Granite Orc Frisbees™ and Almost Dragonic Brand My Pet Goblin Rocks™ cover most of the walls, their flat stone images identical. Troglyodyte newsmen hang from short unstable cords connected to the ceiling, tossing confetti with the names of Almost Dragonic Brand Products as the cameras pass by. Even the boy band poster for Harley’s Halfings that hangs over the far end of the bed has been edited to fit the occasion, with the macho halflings of the band holding pasted cut-outs of Almost Dragonic Brand One-String Imp Guitars™.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the Black Monday savings hour, brought to you by the Almost Report.” Wyvern spreads his arms wide and lifts a long corncob cane in one claw, his bright orange and yellow scale patterns contrasting sharply with his white Almost Dragonic Brand Used Ghost Rag Tee™. The overgrown lizard stretches his striped wings and points his cane towards the cameras. “Who needs Black Friday when you can find your sssavings right here, in this exclusive 2% off sssale on everything Almost Dragonic! That means you can buy a set of Almost Dragonic Brand Torpedo Fuse Cords™, an Almost Dragonic Brand Ogre Alphabet Ouija Board™, and an Almost Dragonic Brand My Pet Goblin Rock™ together for a total of half a geld in savings! We’re taking all callers, ssso drop us a line and drop some of your weight in geld while yer at it.”

 

Wyvern strikes a toothy grin and winks towards the cameras. He swings his corncob cane in the direction of what appears to be an old phonograph record player with a sprite tied down to a piece of metal in the place of a needle.

 

“This Almost Dragonic Brand Sprinographic Sound System™ is perfect for background music during those ssstressful incantations, and comes with a free ’Epilogue EP’ courteousy of Almost Draconic Recordings. The EP featuresss song selections from mai takekaze, Mira, the Portrait of Zool, Kikuyu Black Paws, and Patrick, and can also be downloaded for free from the Cabaret Room.” Wyvern mumbles something under his breath and taps the record player twice with his cane, evoking yelps from the attached sprite. “Of courssse, downloading from the Cabaret won’t give you that squeaky Sprinographic sound… 450 geld, cheap!”

 

Wyvern twirls his cane and swings it in the other direction, pointing towards a feather duster handle that has large squid tentacles hanging from its tip.

 

“And how about this lovely Almost Dragonic Brand Urchin Squiduster™? Perfect for cleanin up tricky office messes, like that Recruiter’sss Office mess that Patrick is inquiring about. Pick one up so you can help Patrick clean the Office feathers after filling him in on some of the backstory. 130 geld, cheap!”

 

Wyvern attempts to pick up the Almost Dragonic Brand Urchin Squiduster™ from its position on CheerMynx’s bed sheets, only to find that the tentacle suckers cling to the pink fabrics tightly. The overgrown lizard tugs for a few minutes, then gives up and grumbles as he turns back towards the cameras.

 

“Alssso, don’t forget to purchase your full supply of Almost Dragonic Brand Schemer’s Digests™ for killing time… you may need’em for the Pen’s upcoming down time, however short it may be. To thossse of you who missed Patrick’s emergency broadcast, we’re switching to a better host enchantment soon, which may result in a brief incantation period when the Pen will be down. Nothing that the latessst articles on how to get rich in 60 minutes can’t fix. And did I mention there’s a ssscale grooming section? That’s only 80 geld for 10 Schemer’s Digestssss, get’em while they’re hot!”

 

Wyvern flashes a signature sneer at the cameras, his oranges and yellows gleaming in a sinister manner. The overgrown lizard swings his corncob cane left and right, trying to point out all of the products on display and smacking one of the hanging troglyodytes in the process. Flyer confetti rains from the troglyodyte as if Wyvern had just busted open a pineata.

 

“But don’t take my word for it.” Wyvern seats himself between the Almost Dragonic Brand Sprinographic Sound System™ and the Almost Dragonic Brand Urchin Squiduster™ on CheerMynx’s mattress. “You can hear about these purrfect products and more from our resident popular idol, CheerMynx!”

 

With that, Wyvern points his cane in the direction of his co-host, silently praying for a discount sale on personal cheerleader performances…

[Mynx]

Sitting atop a tallboy* CheerMynx giggled and waved blindly at the camera. In celebration of the passed 'Black Friday', the cheerline was dressed in a classically 'emo' outfit: short, black dress with matching petticoats, striped black and purple stockings, matching arm bands, 4 inch stilletto boots, and bright pink and black hair extensions. Snuffles 'escaped' this week with only a black ribbon around its neck - something that gave the minion a slightly sunnier disposition than it had been giving its delegated Mistress in previous weeks.

Completely oblivious to the fact that CheerMynx's pose atop the furniture placed her petticoated thighs in Wyvern's direct line of sight, she missed the glazed expression on Wyvern's face and grinned at the camera.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiii! First of all, I'd just like to draw your attention once more to Mr. Wyvern's TOTALLY adorable makeover given to him by yours truly!" CheerMynx giggled again. "I'm like totally more than happy to take on clients if ANYONE wants my, like, totally awesome expertise in the fashion industry!"

Widening her eyes in the cheerline's interpretation of a serious expression - or at least one of wide eyed innocence - CheerMynx continued.

"But on to totally more serious matters, folks. Now is, like, TOTALLY the best time to start your Christmas shopping early, and who better to buy from than our totally trusty Almost Dragon? Besides," the cheerline winked at the camera, "a small percentage of all purchases just might totally go into the CheerMynx Almost Intern Fashion Fund!"

"Wait...whaaaaat?" Wyvern snapped himself out of his gaze at CheerMynx's legs at the mere mention of him losing money.

"Come on, Wyv, don't you like totally want me to look my best for the reports?" CheerMynx whined.

Wyvern was still trying to formulate an answer when his Almost Intern noticed the Almost Dragonic Brand Urchin Squiduster™ that was sticking to her bedsheets.

"Ewwww! Wyvern!" CheerMynx yelped and hopped off her perch, staggering as Snuffles was dislodged from his perch and temporarily leaving the cheerline without any vision at all. Recovering quickly, CheerMynx grabbed the Squiduster and began tugging on it in an effort to salvage her bedsheets.

"Do you like, totally know how much this bedspread cost me?" she grunted as she tugged, before falling back suddenly as the Squiduster finally freed itself from the bed with a tearing noise. Squealing, CheerMynx threw her arms back as she fell, the Squiduster escaping her paws and landing on the camera with a sickening squelch, forcing the cameras to fade to a (somewhat slimey) black...

 

*Chest of draws/dresser

[Wyvern]

Light pierces through the darkness of the blocked lens as one of the Squiduster's legs slowly peels off, followed by another leg... and another, and another. The Squiduster falls in time for the camera to catch Wyvern gaping at the bent position of CheerMynx's legs after her slip, squinting in the hopes of spying beyond the petticoat as he reaches down to help her up. The Squiduster jerks to life from its position on the ground and begins slowly crawling back towards CheerMynx's bed, ignored by the general public as the news crew busies itself with rearranging CheerMynx's bedroom to get it back to normal.

 

"Ewww." CheerMynx whimpers a bit at the sticky slime that stretches from her paw as she lets go of Wyvern's light blue claw. "Wyvern, you've like really got to use nicer-looking fish for your cleaning sales."

 

"If you sssay so, CheerMynxie." Wyvern taps the side of his cheek as he watches the position of a black hair extension that travels down CheerMynx's neck, then snaps into a clearer state of conscious and clears his throat. "Lisssten, errr, CheerMynx, about the whole Almost Intern Fashion Fund thing. You know there'sss nothing I'd like more than to give you the moolah you need, but we're a little tight budget-wise and I jussst think-"

 

Wyvern pauses as he notices CheerMynx leaning forward, her eyes extra-wide saucers of cat milk, her ears slightly drooped and her paws pursed together.

 

"Pllleeeeeaaaaaaasssssssseeeeee?"

 

"Well, uhm..." Wyvern's blush from CheerMynx's "adorable makeover" comment deepens. He breaks into a sweat and twiddles his claws, biting his lip as he tries to balance the options in his head. "I mean, y'sssee CheerMynx, now that we're getting viewers, I kinda wanted to horde a bit and- well, I mean... errr, this fund would be for outfits you sssay?"

 

"Totally." CheerMynx reaches for one of the shoulder straps of her dress and pulls it up to accentuate her point, causing Wyvern to go still. "Like, stuff like this can cost extra. And I would make it sooooooooo totally worth the geld, Wyv."

 

"Wellllllllll..." Wyvern wheezes out a nervous little laugh as he pulls a blank sheet of paper from his Devil's Advocate folder. "I guess maybe a sssmall 4% fund wouldn't hurt?"

 

CheerMynx lets out a short squeal of excitement.

 

"BUT, we'd both have to play our parts in making sssaid funds. You can uhhh, y'know, ssstart by wearing these." Wyvern reaches into his sack and passes CheerMynx a skimpy two piece billboard advertisement for Almost Dragonic Brand Billboard Lingerie™, along with the newly penned Almost Intern Fashion Fund agreement. "Jussst sign over there on the dotted line, next to the squid slime smudge."