The Almost Report Happily Nibbles on Buddha's Leftovers

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to what looks like an elephant cementary, with piles of gigantic bones scattered around a wide woolen carpet in a huge chamber of Buddhist ornaments. The cameras shift their focus to the left, pausing as they spot a giant Roc skull and eventually focusing on Wyvern. The overgrown lizard leans against a table leg that’s slightly taller than he is, picking his razor sharp teeth with one claw while adjusting the white smock that covers his scales with the other. The words “I <3 Gluttony” have been smeared on the front of the smock in heavy grease.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to this week’s tasty edition of the Almost Report.” Wyvern spreads his arms and turns towards the piles of bones, the cameras turning with him. “Reporting to you live from the possst-Thanksgiving aftermath of Happybuddha’s dining quarters, with plenty of discarded leftovers to pick at. Now if you’ll excussse me, it’s time for my ‘1 Minute Into the Report Snack.’

 

The cameras follow Wyvern as he scurries over to a gigantic wing bone that measures at about twice his size, a bit of flesh and meat hanging from its sides. The reptilian reporter peels off a layer of tough Roc flesh and begins chewing on it with his mouth open as he continues.

 

“To start this report, I’d sssimply like to dispel any rumors that last week’s episode of the Almost Report ended with lighting capable of inducing epileptic seizures.” Wyvern spits out a piece of muscle and coughs before swallowing. “Our official statement is that last week’sss report contained no safety hazards not already present on the show. And besides, even if it did, would you really have traded them in for CheerMynx’s skimpy day glos? O.K… maybe if she really did have to trade in the day glos, but that’s besides the point. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my ‘Pre-Pen News Item Snack.’”

 

Wyvern examines the structure of the bones piled next to the giant wing, then snorts to himself and begins climbing up what looks like a crooked spine. The cameras wobble as they follow the lizard up the narrow climb, and come to a halt as they focus on him scooping up spots of stuffing by the clawful.

 

“In Pen news this evening, the Almost Report would like to remind pennites to participate in the recent Pen Recommends votes for ‘Colonisation’ and ‘Click Clack.’ Wyvern pauses to load his mouth with the soft, squishy brown stuffing. “We’re *murfle, gulp* hoping to get at least 8 votes for each of’em, and there are currently only 4 and 3 votes for the works respectively. Voting closes Saturday on December 1rst, ssso please help us out by voting before then. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my ‘Mid-Report Snack.’”

 

Wyvern trudges through the stuffing, carefully sliding his way between some ribcages and moving towards a large stain of mashed cranberries on the rather dirty wool of the carpet. The overgrown lizard kneels down and sticks the forks of his tongue into the stain while the cameras record it as if it were a wildlife documentary.

 

“In other Pen news, the first chapter of perhapsss the most important club in Pen history has officially been opened. The I <3 Wyvern Club is all about the finer things in life, with the focus being on yoursss truly of course. *Ehehem!* In my opinion, every person applying to the Pen should be required to not only sign up for this club, but to perform a rights of passage involving the balancing of several bags of geld on two sides of a solid gold collection tray. Let’sss give it up to Degorram and Kikuyu for founding this landmark organization. Now if you’ll excussse me, it’s time for my ‘Before Wrapping up the News Items Snack.’”

 

Wyvern slides his tongue back into his mouth and licks his lips, then turns towards a half-eaten piece of pie crust that measures up to his knees in height. He cracks off a piece of it with the back of his claw and begins nibbling on the flaky crust as he continues.

 

“Finally, the Almost Report would like to send a special Happy Birthday out to Zariah, and would alssso like to take this opportunity to congratulate Zariah and Nyyark on their recent wedding!” Wyvern grins from ear to ear and pulls two raggedy tickets from under his bib. “That’sss quite a bit of celebrating in one week, so I decided to get ya these two luxury tickets to Happybuddha’s Post-Thanksgiving Dining Hall, where we’re currently reporting from. Offer expiresss as soon as room service gets here… I hope that you had a week full of joyous celebrations. Can we get some picsss or something?!”

 

Wyvern waves the tickets towards the cameras and winks, then clears his throat and leans back against a large ribcage with a bit of a nervous twitch.

 

“Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my ‘Eye Candy Snack…’”

[Mynx]

The camera pans over to where CheerMynx stands talking to a troglyodyte crewmember.

"Are you, like telling me that you TOTALLY don't have anything non-fat?" the cheerline whined, before noticing that the camera was pointing at her.

"Oh! Like, hi!" she giggled. "Happy Thanksgiving for all you Americans! Do you like my outfit? It's TOTALLY topical!"

CheerMynx did a twirl in her interpretation of a pilgrim wife's outfit - It roughly fit the images in history books...except that the skirt barely came halfway down her thigh and the top was so low cut that CheerMynx's clevage once again threatened to escape its meagre holdings. Both CheerMynx and Snuffles wore a matching bonnet - CheerMynx with a happy grin on her face, Snuffles looking longsuffering.

CheerMynx went to lean on a giant bone behind her, before pulling her paw away from the greasy mess and looking at it with an ill expression on her face.

"Um," the cheerline wiped her paw on her apron and smiled brightly at the camera even as she sidestepped away from the bone.

"So, anyway, I like TOTALLY want to offer my congratulations to Zariah and Nyyark!" CheerMynx tried to keep herself composed for about three seconds, before she broke down and began to squee happily.

"This is like so totally awesome you guys! Ohmygod when do I get to see the photos? Did you kiss? Did you take his name? Did you dance?"

CheerMynx continued for a moment, before a loud *COUGH* offscreen snapped her from her ramble. Blushing and giggling shyly, she refocussed on the camera.

"So, like, ANYWAY, congratulations again! And as for the rest of you, you like TOTALLY better get your votes in for the Recommending thingamies!"

Giggling again, CheerMynx flipped her hair and began to 'walk and talk' with the camera, neither she nor Snuffles paying attention to where they were going.

"SO! Continuing with last week's gossip, Bobby and Mandy were TOTALLY set up to go to the prom together but then Mandy's ex Damien showed up and knocked Bobby out and -"

*SPLAT*

CheerMynx fell off a small rise and into a pile of remains. Looking at her ruined outfit, and the greasy calories she was sitting in, CheerMynx let out a shriek and began struggling to get herself out of the sticky mess.

"EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!" The cheerline writhed around, spraying everyone nearby with spare chunks of grease and meat until, inevitably, a wad of gristle and gravy hit the camera.

 

The screams could still be heard as the camera went black.

[Wyvern]

The sounds of many troglyodyte voices echo over the monitors as a rag scrubs its way over the dirty camera lenses, revealing more behind-the-scenes footage of the Almost Report. The poorly cleaned camera follows CheerMynx as she storms away from the pit of grease, finally up and flailing her paws left and right in frustration. A gang of troglyodyte make-up artists follow the frazzled feline and take turns dashing up to her in an attempt to help clean the mess, but each troglyodyte is swatted away from her in turn.

 

"Oh my Gawd, this dress is totally ruined!" CheerMynx lets out a whimper and pulls off her bonnet, tossing back her hair in the hopes of getting rid of the grease before it messes with her conditioner. "This spot is sssoooooo unfit for my style, Wyv."

 

"Oh." Wyvern nods for several minutes from his position leaning against the Roc ribcage, his beady eyes fixed on the low cut top of CheerMynx's pilgrim attire. The heavy grease stains rendered the front of the dress almost transparent and made it cling even tighter to the Almost intern's form. Wyvern reaches into his pouch in a mechanical manner and pulls out the Fake Tear Tissue. "Uhhh... yeah, sssorry 'bout that. Here, l-lemme clean that for you."

 

Wyvern licks his lips as he steps forward and extends the tissue, only to droop his scales as CheerMynx turns away seconds before he makes contact with the front of her dress.

 

"It's no use, this outfit is like done for! And after I'd ordered those matching panties and everything." CheerMynx doesn't notice Wyvern's eyes as they grow slightly wider. "This is just so un-pilgrim-ish you know?"

 

Wyvern scratches his chin for a moment, then perks up his head as a thought occurs to him. The overgrown lizard breaks into a wide grin and steps closer to CheerMynx, rubbing a claw over his tunic with almost dragonic bravado.

 

"CheerMynxy, baby, don't worry 'bout it. You did the Report proud tonight. You jussst need something to take your mind off of the whole grease mess thing is all." Wyvern bites his lip to hold back a squeal of anticipation as he pulls out two laminated vouchers from last week's report. "And I've got jussst the thing. It ssseems that the birthday folks from last week haven't claimed those vouchers you offered'em, and it'd be a shame to see such generous offers go to waste when the expiration date passes... especially that one offer, you know the one I'm talking about. What'sss say we find a private spot to stand under that giant table over there and I turn this voucher in so we can put it to good use?"

 

With that, Wyvern grins and passes CheerMynx one of the vouchers with a trembling claw... unknowingly handing her the voucher for a free cheerleader grooming experience by accident.

[Mynx]

CheerMynx continued to pout even as Wyvern tried to wheedle a smile (and more) out of his Almost intern.

It wasn't until one of the vouchers was shoved under the cheerline's nose that she reacted. Taking the proferred voucher, CheerMynx frowned slightly in concentration as she read the slightly drool smudged ink. Slowly, she raised her gaze to meet Wyvern's.

"...Seriously?" CheerMynx asked hesitantly. Wyvern nodded so vigorously that his head became a blur. The cheerline and Snuffles studied the Almost Dragon for a moment long enough for the latter to grow warey, before the former brightened and grinned.

"Killer!" CheerMynx grinned, before grabbing Wyvern by the arm and hauling him over to the table under the tree.

"Wait here!" CheerMynx bounced off again, before returning with a pair of troglyodytes behind her hauling a reclining chair.

Wyvern's jaw dropped at the luxurious leather chair that was presented to him.

"Nissssse, CheerMynx. You sssure do take your...uh...work seriousssly, hey?" Wyvern sat in the chair and all but purred at the comfort.

"Like, duh," CheerMynx giggled again. "Okay wait here, I have to get my stuff." With a twinkled blind eye and a smile, CheerMynx bounded off yet again.

Wyvern cackled to himself and rubbed his claws together. Oh, this was going to be goooooood.

Wyvern's daydreams of CheerMynx's upcoming performance was brought to a shuddering halt as a huge sheet of fabric was wrapped aroun the Almost Dragon, leaving only his head free.

"Whaaa?" Wyvern squawked in surprise, before a thudding clatter on the nearby table stole his attention. The previously empty table was now filled with....girly things. Brightly coloured, scary looking girly things.

"Uh...Ch-CheerMynx?" Wyvern coughed nervously as he tried to think. Which voucher had he given her?!

CheerMynx turned from the table and giggled at Wyvern, an apron filled with various items of makeup and preening tools, a hairdryer in one paw and a large bottle of some sort of moisturiser in the other. Snuffles sat perched precariously on top of CheerMynx's head.

"Ready for your makeover, Mr Wyvern?" The cheerline grinned excitedly, but in that moment it was the most terrifying thing Wyvern had ever seen...although nothing was quite like the result...

[Wyvern]

"Annnnd all done!" CheerMynx dusts off her paws and pulls the towel away from Wyvern's face with a grin. She turns to the two troglyodyte makeup artists that had helped her drag the chair in and points towards Wyvern, giggling fondly. The two reptilianoids can't help but giggle back... particularly the troglyodyte wearing several casts and bandages, who breaks into a fit of laughter and ends up collapsing and hurting himself again. "Oh wow, you're sssoooooo cute now Wyv. Take a look."

 

"R-really?" Wyvern blushes a bit at CheerMynx's statement, then raises his head to take a look at himself in the mirror that's held in front of him. The color drains from Wyvern's face immediately, and his jaw goes crooked as he stares at the mysterious lizard in the mirror. The reptilian reporter's scales have been colored in bright oranges and yellows, which alternate with each scale and leave a distinctive checkered pattern. His horns have also been painted orange and yellow respectively, and his tail stinger has been dyed in glossy purple with a little pink bow tied around its tip. Wyvern raises a claw in disbelief, examining the light blue nail polish on his claws and noting the way that the scales leading from his snout up to his head have been ruffled to stick up slightly. He stammers, more than a bit tongue-tied at the sight of his makeover. "Ch-c-Ch-checkered, n-neon ch-checker patternsss?!"

 

CheerMynx frowns, her eyes going a bit sad at the tone of Wyvern's voice.

 

"You don't like it?" CheerMynx taps on the side of the mirror and tilts it so that Wyvern can examine his brightly striped wings. "Cus' I mean, we could totally soak you down and start from scratch, would only take a couple more hours an-"

 

"Oh no no no no no NO NO!" Wyvern raises his claws and bites his lower lip for a moment. "NO. Thisss is, y'know, nice. It'sss uhhh, it's very colorful. It's just, can I get up now? Hey, HEY! Are you guysss actually recording this?!"

 

Wyvern shoves a light blue claw towards the resident camera lens, blacking out the behind-the-scenes footage.