The Almost Report Rocks the Cat's Cradle

[Wyvern]

The news cameras wobble and focus on the image of Wyvern’s wings, which rest folded over the reptilian reporter’s back. A slight lens glare blinds the image for a moment as the cameras trail down a bit, spotting Wyvern’s tail and following its motions over a comfy white cushion. The cameras eventually come to a stop as they reach the tail stinger and the parallel reversed tail stinger that rest at the end of the tail. They zoom out to reveal Wyvern sitting on a comfy cushion in a room filled with mirrors for walls, his tail stinger touching one of the mirrors in manner that’s bound to evoke bad luck sooner or later. Wyvern claps his claws together and turns his head once he notices the news cameras, grabbing a furry ball with bells resting next to him and squeezing it with a claw.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report.” Wyvern picks up the furry bell ball and jingles it a bit as a sort of entrance chime for the show. “Reporting to you live from the quartersss of a special feline pennite whose name shall remain a mystery until the end of this report, purely for purposes of sssuspense. For now, let’sss just say that the Almost Report’s presence in these rooms is only half-illegal… we must be getting sssoft.”

 

Wyvern clears his throat and turns his eyes towards the fuzzy ball as he jingles it again by accident. He raises the ball above his snout and jingles it again, somewhat transfixed by the catchy sound and addictive feel of the ball.

 

“Hunh, this thing is really…” A troglyodyte underling steps out from behind the scenes and taps Wyvern on the shoulder, pointing him in the direction of the cameras before disappearing again. “Oh, errr, right… the newsss. In headlines this evening, Sssalinye is hosting a Cabaret discussion on current activity levels at the Pen which everyone isss welcome to drop their thoughts in. For my part, I regret to inform you that my activity level has never dropped over the yearsss… I’d say I’m still far from milking this spot of geld and hot chicks. Oh yessss.”

 

Wyvern winks to the cameras, then begins tossing the furry jingle ball from claw to claw in spite of himself.

 

“As long as yer checking out Cabaret Room discussions, you might want to leave comments in Katzaniel’s recent Pen Carnival discussion, hopefully keeping the all-around awesomeness of the Carnivals in mind.” Wyvern pauses for a moment as he begins tossing the furry ball up and down in the air, throwing it higher with each toss. “And ssspeaking of Katz, you may also want to spare a few quarters to play her text-based video game simulator, an ancient arcade machine recently fixed by the Tigertaur herself. Feel free to plug some Almost Dragonic Brand Products in-game while yer at it as well.”

 

Wyvern curses as he accidentally drops the furry ball. He jumps out of his seat, knocking the ball with his tail stinger and sending it rolling into the next room. Wyvern dashes after it, with the shaky cameras following in hot pursuit, until the news team convenes in the central living room of the mystery feline’s quarters. Wyvern glances up from his spot hunched over the ball on the floor, admiring the renovations of the chamber. With the lovely interior design and bookshelves full of artifacts and tomes, one would have never guessed that this had once been a stealth sprite disaster zone.

 

“*Ahem*” Wyvern turns from the furry ball for a moment to pull out a news sheet from his front pocket. “In further newsss, the Almost Report would like to send belated happy birthday wishes to Ayshela, who celebrated last week. Hopefully you and yer kitten minions’re enjoying the show… I got some Almost Dragonic Brand Pen Policy Scratching Posts™ for’em once it’s finished, though this furry bell ball is off-limits I’m afraid. We here at the Almost Report would also like to send belated birthday wishes to Blondemoon and MinimondoT. I always appreciate you two browsing, feel free to drop in any time!”

 

With that, Wyvern slowly grins and lifts himself to his feet, impaling the furry ball with his tail stinger so that he won’t lose it. The ball jingles as Wyvern’s tail sways back and forth.

 

“And lassst but most certainly not least, the Almost Report would like to introduce the latest addition to our team.” Wyvern rubs his claws together and licks his lips as a door at the far end of the room creaks open, bathing the surrounding area in fluorescent pink light. “That’sss right, the Almost Report’s got a new cute female intern and co-host, one sssure to keep your eyes glued open with plenty o’ spunk and charisma (amongst *other* things). Introducing, the one, the only…”

 

*cue troglyodyte tin drum roll*

[Mynx]

Hearing her cue, CheerMynx flung open the door to her bedroom and raced out, only to trip on the camera and lighting cables that littered the quarters. With a loud shriek, the exuberant feline went crashing into one of the bookcases, rattling the weapons dangerously enough that even Wyvern gulped and side stepped out of the way.

"Like, ow," CheerMynx mumbled, sitting up and patting down her hair.

"Snuffles!" she called out towards her bedroom. "Like, come here Snuffles!"

A small kitten minion, bright pink bow around its neck and ears flattened in dislike, trotted out from the room to CheerMynx. Picking the minion up and turning it outwards so she could channel its sight just like Mynx had taught her, CheerMynx searched around for her purse to put the kitten in. When she couldn't find it, the feline shrugged and stuffed 'Snuffles' into her ample clevage.

Turning with a dazzling smile towards Wyvern, CheerMynx frowned in confusion when she saw him gaping at her oufit - charcoal grey corporate skirt suit and blazer that were about a size too small, the skirt especially barely showing beneath the blazer.

Noticing the mic that had been discarded on the floor, CheerMynx picked it up after a few false starts (what with her "eyes" being where her chest is) and turned to face the camera.

"Like, hiiiiiiiii!" CheerMynx giggled, her faded eyes making her face look even more vacant and empty.

"I'm, like, totally Wyvvy's new news intern! And it's TOTALLY my job to uh....to bring you....uh..."

CheerMynx tapered off as she tried to read the cue cards one of the crew was holding up with the kitten in her shirt squirming and mewling unhappily.

With a loud tear of fabric, the minion escaped CheerMynx's blouse and scampered away. Yelping, CheerMynx dropped the mic and rushed forward, her blindness preventing her from seeing the camera she was heading straight towards...

With a deafening CRASH, the screen fades to black.

[The Portrait of Zool]

Okay, I just have to say, 'like', that's quite a picture!