Dead Crickets

[Da_Yog]

Comment away.

 

Dead Crickets

Motionless on slowly freezing concrete
Brown chitin cracked and ruptured
Marching…a slow parade of ants
Corpse devoured day by day
Pieces torn, shredded, consumed
But dead crickets…
ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ They don’t bleed.

Wind whipping by in chilling gusts
Biting dust swarming and stinging
Tumbling…debris rolls on and on
Land sculpted grain by grain
Earth dissected, moved, deposited
And still…
ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ Dead crickets don’t bleed.

Man standing and coldly staring
Watching all that comes and goes
Calculating…thoughts move unceasing
Information processed bit by bit
Decisions evaluated, summed, concluded
Conclusion reached…
ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ  ᅟ Dead men don’t bleed.

Edited November 9, 2007 by Da_Yog

[Preprise]

If I was to nitpick I'd say there might a bit of an inconsistency in how you present your single line punches (no clue if there is a technical term for it).

 

But dead crickets…

ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ They don’t bleed.

above, you break your sentence to deliver a punch.

 

And still…

ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ Dead crickets don’t bleed.

there also.

 

Conclusion reached…

ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ ᅟ Dead men don’t bleed.

But not there.

 

"But dead crickets…" and "And still…" can not read as a sentence. "Conclusion reached…" does. You might argue that it lends that last line more weight.

 

 

I think it is an excellent piece. So far that's all the comments I have.

 

thanks for this.

[Silver WInd]

This was quite intresting and enjoyable to read. Perosnally I like the inconsistency of the repeated last line, and the way it changes slightly with every verse, it was a unique way of presenting it I thought. For some reaosn this kind of made me think of the Grapes of Wrath

[Da_Yog]

If I was to nitpick I'd say there might a bit of an inconsistency in how you present your single line punches (no clue if there is a technical term for it).

 

"But dead crickets…" and "And still…" can not read as a sentence. "Conclusion reached…" does. You might argue that it lends that last line more weight.

 

 

I think it is an excellent piece. So far that's all the comments I have.

 

thanks for this.

The last line was intended to have the most weight. It functions as the climax of the poem. (Or at least, I hoped it would.) I intended for the last line to be that one extra piece of information that ties the poem together. So, at that last moment, dead crickets=ants marching=biting wind blowing=purely rational man=death. That is to say: without intuition, emotion, and a little craziness we are left with nothing but pure rationalism, logic, and the death of a life of rote behavior. We become, as the purely rational man, the blowing wind, the marching ants, and the dead crickets. What set us apart is no more.

 

At any rate I'm glad you liked it.

 

Ha silver! I've read "The Grapes of Wrath"! No forcing me to make a literary reference this time. I've also read, "Cannery Row" and "Of Mice and Men". I honestly think I liked "Cannery Row" the most.

 

I can see where the dead and desolate imagery would compel you to think of "The Grapes of Wrath". (Although I refused to leave you with the image of a dying man suckling from the breast of a woman who has recently lost her child. *shudder*) Message and image-wise it might be a little closer to "The Hollow Men" by TS Eliot. (Thought definitely not in total sink with "The Hollow Men". More reminiscent of it to me.)

 

At any rate, Thanks both for your comments.

 

Now what I really need is someone to tear the punctuation apart. Oh Rev. Oh Rev. I know you've been itching to do this. Here's your chance. Should I throw a few dashes in here to get your goat? I will if I have to.

Edited November 10, 2007 by Da_Yog

[Da_Yog]

I forgot to mention I was thinking of changing the title. I feel it is too distracting from the true purpose. I was thinking perhaps, "Society of Dead Crickets". I can't really tell if that would be too cliche or not...