Hurricane

[Preprise]

So I'm making an effort to post this with the punctuation advice I recieved in mind. Though just as an exercise because this is a song and wird choice and conceptual structure is more important in this case. I'm shooting for a traditional songwriting flavour but doing my best not to slip into cliché. I have to say that just the few weeks I have been here did contribute to the lyric writing of this song which I consider to be one of the more solid ones I have written in the past few years. Your thoughts, impressions, praise and rotten tomatoes are more than welcome.

 

 

 

In a flash of light

you gained super powers

but you didn't want to change the world.

So you just flew

to a place of silence

and warmed your bones by the burning voices.

All the thoughts you thought

and all the fights you fought

blown away by the devil's breath.

 

Hurricane

there is no peace in your eye.

There is only pain

there are only lies.

Hurricane

there are no tears in your eye.

There are only flames

there is only fire.

 

Twenty years

adrift on the ocean

to gather strength then strike the land.

Now old friends

are seeking new shelter

from the wrath of your hand.

So why seek the truth?

Why shift the blame?

When all you've left

is a broken name.

 

Hurricane

there is no peace in your eye.

There is only pain

there are only lies.

Hurricane

there are no tears in your eye.

There are only flames

there is only fire.

[Da_Yog]

Your use of repetiton, rhyme, and word choice definitely give this the feel of a song.

 

I also found the strong breaks here, "there is no peace in your eye." and here, "there are no tears in your eye." to be well placed and well emphasized.

 

I'll take a closer look on monday. I have to jet now. My work break is over.

[Mardrax]

Very nicely written indeed

 

So right, a song, so I'll look at it as such.

 

The chorus flows well together with the verses, rhythmwise. I'd just consider making the "eye" a plural in both cases. That'd make for a better rhyme with the "lies", and the rythm I'd sing this with asks for a longer tone there. It might also make for an abundance of "s" sounds in the second half, which you'll probably either love or hate Judging by the last lines of the first verse, you don't seem to mind much

You might also consider tossing an extra "Hurricane" line in, immediately after the "eye"s.

 

As for the verses, the second one works perfectly as far as the rythm goes. The first however, gets a bit awkward in places. The "you gained ...", "and warmed ..." and "All the thoughts ..." lines really jar me rhythmically. Not too big problems on the whole, but especially the latter feels awkward. The two lines after seem to ask for seem to ask for an extra syllable in that line, so it would read at the same rhythm as the "And all the ..." line.

 

Also, the second line sounds a tad one the cliché side. You might want to reconsider it. I'd suggest something in the way of "You gathered your powers". That would also make it connect to the "to a place ..." line rhythmically. For me anyway.

 

Rhythm, especially in song, is a highly personal thing, of course, so feel free to disregard stuff as you wish

 

All in all, solid indeed. Good stuff.

[reverie]

Looks like a song to me. I wouldn't worry about cliche language so much with a song. If the music's strong enough, it will carry a few (but not all) of them for you.

 

works for me. Maybe re-look the last stanza on punctuation and capitalization choices, but lyrics don't have to stand completely own their own, so structural stuff isn't as important, since its true form would be laid on a sheet of music.

 

So to make them truly stand on their own, divorced from the music and laid on the poetic page, you might have to compromise a little from the way you play it. Maybe. Depends on just how good you are at serving two muses at the same time

 

rev...

Edited November 12, 2007 by reverie

[Preprise]

Thanks for your input. I'll go ahead and disagree with this statement.

If the music's strong enough, it will carry a few (but not all) of them for you.

The right word placed on top of the right chord will make or break a song. Also, I'm a singer songwriter so the singing and guitar is the only thing. When few elements exist, each becomes more intense.

[reverie]

yeah but the right word might be cliche. Also, I've heard lot's of hooks that don't make sense, but sound great. You can do that in music, but it's hard to pull off in poetry.

Edited November 13, 2007 by reverie

[Preprise]

hmmm, I see what you mean now.