Silver WInd Posted November 8, 2007 Report Posted November 8, 2007 Well this one is a bit different, and a bit strange, and sort of abstract in nature. It started out as a stream of concious of sorts, but overall I liked it. Just made a couple adaptations to it. The Lost One There is no one here to release our fears so we must give into tears bitter where they fall searching through the wall we all just float by upon the air but I was left hiding behind the stair. The cold comes for me and yet I have embraced her icy fingers, trying to drag me down. Flailing limbs hit the backside but those watching eyes take all in stride. I am the lost one I am the fallen one Wonder where that door leads down another unnamed floor all these flowers stacking coffins into towers and there it is, that smirk that tells all and I know I have lost.
Da_Yog Posted November 8, 2007 Report Posted November 8, 2007 It has a very, "ghost observing the world" kind of feel. I can read it as either the literal ghost interpretation or as a person who is seeing the world through a ghost-like haze. Not sure which I like better at the moment. The one point that is a bit confusing to me, and perhaps you could help me out here, is the transition from second person plural to first person singular near the end. "to release our fears/so we must give into tears" becomes "I am the lost one/I am the fallen one". Is this an intentional shift or an oops?
Silver WInd Posted November 8, 2007 Author Report Posted November 8, 2007 (edited) It has a very, "ghost observing the world" kind of feel. I can read it as either the literal ghost interpretation or as a person who is seeing the world through a ghost-like haze. Not sure which I like better at the moment. That is an intresting way to look at it, and yes I can see where you would get that feeling, and well I suppose there are times when I do feel ghost like in my observations of the world, or of myself. The one point that is a bit confusing to me, and perhaps you could help me out here, is the transition from second person plural to first person singular near the end. "to release our fears/so we must give into tears" becomes "I am the lost one/I am the fallen one". Is this an intentional shift or an oops? It is more or less intentional, when I frist wrote this I was not really thinking about it but then when I decdied to strcututure into more of a poem, there was something about the affect of it that I liked, so I decided to leave it as it is. Edited November 8, 2007 by Silver Wind
Da_Yog Posted November 8, 2007 Report Posted November 8, 2007 Ummm...err...I really meant first person plural to first person singular. *sheepish grin*
Silver WInd Posted November 8, 2007 Author Report Posted November 8, 2007 hehe yes I know what you meant, that is what I was refering to, sorry if I did not word it very well and did not make myself clear.
Da_Yog Posted November 8, 2007 Report Posted November 8, 2007 LoL, nah, you were fine. I was just clarifying to the rest of the pen that I'm really not a total idiot. Heehee
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