Silver WInd Posted October 19, 2007 Report Posted October 19, 2007 This poem is in a style I created myself I call it Symphonic verse because it is inpsired by and molded after the form and structure of a musical symphony, though for poetic reasons, I did make a few adaptations and alterations, for the most part it follows the same form a symphon does. The structure and schme of the poem is as follows: AbCDcBA abCDcBA aAbBCcDD abACDA The poem itself I think may be weak in a few areas but to really get a feel of the form and how it looks I had to write something acutally using the form, so I weclome any suggestions on impovements I could make to polish the poem up, as long as it follows with the intended style and the rhyme scheme above. Rainbow A splash of color across the sky glimpse of beauty brightens the gloom sweetly birds being to sing painted strokes of blue and gray broken by a colored ring no longer shall dark clouds loom a splash of color across the sky. Little specks of brown and black fly while down below a blush of new bloom sweetly birds begin to sing painted strokes of blue and gray the last misty drizzle with a gentle ping no longer shall dark clouds loom a splash of color across the sky. Slowly the clouds begin to shy a splash of color across the sky gently wind sweeps away melancholy like a broom no longer shall dark clouds loom sweetly birds begin to sing the last of moisture tries to cling painted strokes of blue and gray painted strokes of blue and gray. To remain the clouds still try two morning doves sit as bride and groom a splash of color across the sky sweetly birds being to sing painted strokes of blue and gray a splash of color across the sky.
Ozymandias Posted October 22, 2007 Report Posted October 22, 2007 This may sound jocular, but I mean it quite seriously- I read this, and I felt as well as thought several things. It flows so much like a hymn I could almost hear a joyful chorus filling a church with it from floor to rafters. It also conjuring half thought, half felt images of birds flying across bluest sky, the kind of blue you find only in the purest glaciers, and the last of the rain pat-pat-pattering down onto leaves and grass as the last of the clouds float away and the sun fills the sky. You brought all this to life when I read this- even though my roommate has been blaring an Eddie Izzard comedy special in the very next room the whole time, and there's no door inbetween... :>)
Silver WInd Posted October 22, 2007 Author Report Posted October 22, 2007 Thank you very much, sense I had some concerns about how this poem turned out, I rather apperciate your comments.
Ozymandias Posted October 22, 2007 Report Posted October 22, 2007 You're very welcome. The style seems to work quite well. As for the poem itself, I really *couldn't* find anything to criticize. Kudos. :>)
Silver WInd Posted October 23, 2007 Author Report Posted October 23, 2007 Pardon? I think a comment like that deserves some more explination. I am very well read in both prose and poetic verse, so I think you ought to explain what you mean
reverie Posted October 23, 2007 Report Posted October 23, 2007 hmm, don't think you're ready to hear it. 'least not from me. let's give it a few years, and I'll get back to you.
Silver WInd Posted October 23, 2007 Author Report Posted October 23, 2007 You make a lot of presumtions and assumptions about people of whom you know nothing about. If you do not wish to explain yourself then perhaps you ought not vauge and borad statements about people.
Ozymandias Posted October 23, 2007 Report Posted October 23, 2007 Critique does tend to work best when it's explanatory...
reverie Posted October 23, 2007 Report Posted October 23, 2007 Forgive me for being rude. I'm going through some issues at the moment. it's unfair of me to take them out on anyone here. all the best, revery the dreamlost "My food is problematic." ~River Tam the dream continues...
Preprise Posted October 24, 2007 Report Posted October 24, 2007 You make a lot of presumtions and assumptions about people of whom you know nothing about. If you do not wish to explain yourself then perhaps you ought not vauge and borad statements about people. borad?
Da_Yog Posted October 24, 2007 Report Posted October 24, 2007 (edited) I do believe that was meant to be "broad". Anger will cause you to make mistakes quicker than anything I know of. Especially swapping a letter or two. That being said. I find the overall concept quite intriguing and intricate. I hope you come back to it and give us a second draft. Edited October 24, 2007 by Da_Yog
Silver WInd Posted October 24, 2007 Author Report Posted October 24, 2007 You make a lot of presumtions and assumptions about people of whom you know nothing about. If you do not wish to explain yourself then perhaps you ought not vauge and borad statements about people. borad? Yes I made a typo, it can happen to the best and worst of us. Thank you Da Yog
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