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Blby

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Gwaihir

Gwaihir

Posted
Posted

As requested, feedback:

 

As a philosopher I have mild objections to your premise because I don't understand how will can not be free. I will squish that opinion however and go on. (That and anything that would cause me to murder someone would also prevent me from loving them if I knew it in advance.)

 

So are we in the modern days? ("gunned down", "drug overdose")? It's not clear and perhaps should be.

 

Going on, I'm not sure I quite get chapter one. Who's the boy? It's hard to care about him yet, because we really don't know much about him. We mainly just know that we don't like his parents much and that the boy is likely to be on the side of rebels. This is slightly confusing becuase all the other chapters (and prologue) refer to a different time period.

 

Chapter two feels more like a first chapter.

 

"so I had the most natural reflex, and started crying." This might need rewording. I like the detail about hands though.

 

"and drag me down the path I had no wish to trod." You mean tread not trod (past tense)

 

I really like the details about his first life. It gives nice depth. Still, I wish there were more. Okay, so I assume it's intentional that we don't know much about the Prophecy, but I'd like some more setting. This all feels a bit short. (I note that Prophesized comes up correct in Word, but so does Prophesied and that's what I think is the correct past tense. This might be a pond difference?)

 

Also, is this main character to be dreaded in the time of Grimfalk (whose dates appear at teh beginning of every chapter as a timeframe) then surely the character's (he needs a name) brother will be needing in only 410 years, not millenia? Okay, so the main character is Grimfalk's brother not Grimfalk. So is he going to live to be 410 years old? If that's normal in this universe, then it's very different from my expectations and probably should be noted.

 

Also, if the history books know what a great magician Grimfalk's brother was, why was he so ordinary in life?

 

Prediction for ending: Nameless hero will not be able to use magic again so he will end up having to kill Inya to save her becuase he can't use magic to do it/prevent the harm.

 

Don't take these comments as too critical, by the way. I think this story is very interesting. Mostly, I think this needs to be fleshed out more and given more details, but I suspect that whatever you do with it, it'll be worth reading.

Patrick

Patrick

Posted
Posted

Thank you for the comments Gwai! :)

 

As a philosopher I have mild objections to your premise because I don't understand how will can not be free. I will squish that opinion however and go on. (That and anything that would cause me to murder someone would also prevent me from loving them if I knew it in advance.)

Free will will be one of the main threads the story develops. So expect to see more on that.

 

So are we in the modern days? ("gunned down", "drug overdose")? It's not clear and perhaps should be.

The setting is a mix of sci-fi/fantasy, while still close enough to modern day to be able to explore issues which are not far away from issues of modern times.

 

Going on, I'm not sure I quite get chapter one. Who's the boy? It's hard to care about him yet, because we really don't know much about him. We mainly just know that we don't like his parents much and that the boy is likely to be on the side of rebels. This is slightly confusing becuase all the other chapters (and prologue) refer to a different time period.

The main objective of that chapter is to establish context, both politically and family-wise. Pace might be off though, I'll look into seeing whether that chapter can be improved.

 

"so I had the most natural reflex, and started crying." This might need rewording. I like the detail about hands though.

 

"and drag me down the path I had no wish to trod." You mean tread not trod (past tense)

*blushes appropriately* Thanks for spotting that mistake. I'll look into that other sentence too. :)

 

I really like the details about his first life. It gives nice depth. Still, I wish there were more. Okay, so I assume it's intentional that we don't know much about the Prophecy, but I'd like some more setting. This all feels a bit short. (I note that Prophesized comes up correct in Word, but so does Prophesied and that's what I think is the correct past tense. This might be a pond difference?)

The Prophecy, as you guessed, shall be unravelled as the story progresses on. I'll put Prophesized down to pond difference. As for setting, I have to keep some for later, don't I? :-)

 

Also, is this main character to be dreaded in the time of Grimfalk (whose dates appear at teh beginning of every chapter as a timeframe) then surely the character's (he needs a name) brother will be needing in only 410 years, not millenia? Okay, so the main character is Grimfalk's brother not Grimfalk. So is he going to live to be 410 years old? If that's normal in this universe, then it's very different from my expectations and probably should be noted.

I'm not sure I understand your commentary about millenia. Saying whether he gets to live 410 years or is brought back in another lifetime would be telling. Tune back in a couple of chapters for the reply to that. ;)

 

Also, if the history books know what a great magician Grimfalk's brother was, why was he so ordinary in life?

One hero was enough. No one wanted a second one. Besides, it remains to be seen whether the prophecy forced him to live that way, or whether he lived that way because it had been prophesized.

 

Prediction for ending: Nameless hero will not be able to use magic again so he will end up having to kill Inya to save her becuase he can't use magic to do it/prevent the harm.

Close, but no cigar. :P

 

Don't take these comments as too critical, by the way. I think this story is very interesting. Mostly, I think this needs to be fleshed out more and given more details, but I suspect that whatever you do with it, it'll be worth reading.

Not taking them as too critical. ;) I asked for them, remember. :) Thanks again!

Gwaihir

Gwaihir

Posted
Posted

By the way, I think I'd very much like more about Grimfalk. He seems to be old news to everyone else, but he sounds interesting and relevant.

Appy

Appy

Posted
Posted

Keep them comming, you have me reading for sure! ^_^

 

More detailed nit-picking either in a few chapters or when you want it. :)

Wyvern

Wyvern

Posted
Posted

Awesome story so far Patrick, I'm loving it! :-) The prologue immediately captured my attention, with the image of Inya dancing and the introduction of George's first person perspective and his knowledge of their eventual fate really stirring me. The transitions between different time periods related to Grimfalk's return also really appealed to me, and I like how you chose to incorporate a third person perspective for the "18 months before Grimfalk's return" period. It gave that time period a colder and more distant feel that I think fit the Imperial Army events of it well. It's also very interesting how Grimfalk's brother is continuously reborn in different shells to fufill the Prophecy, though the time frame of Chapter 2 might confuse some readers as it's listed as "410 years before Grimfalk's return," but actually spans several thousand years of lifetimes. You might consider framing that chapter more in the "410" setting as George reflects back on his different lives, as that might iron out any confusion. I also agree with Gwaihir that a few more period-oriented details for each of the different settings would help establish the time frames more. The sci-fi/fantasy feel is apparent, but it would cool to see more details pertaining to the styles and technologies of the times... they tend to change over the course of 2912 years, after all!

 

Anyway, I'm definitely intrigued to see how these different time frames are intertwined and am really looking forward to reading the continuation. :-) Thanks for sharing this Patrick.

  • 2 months later...
Patrick

Patrick

Posted
Posted

Despite not writing anything substantial for more than a month, the story shall undergo a pretty big change. It shall be cut into three big parts, taking care of the three main storylines (the third of which hasn't been started yet, at least in the version posted here). These shall be written one storyline at a time. It should help reduce confusion about who is who, and it should help the Sean storyline quite a bit, it has felt pretty weak to me so far honestly, with the other storyline feeling as if it had much more potential. I am reworking the documents on my computer right now and should have an updated version of the story up tonightish.

 

Also: since there exists a remote possibility that if I ever finish this story, happen to be satisfied with it, and others also like it, I might look into getting it published (that is a lot of ifs in one sentence) I'll be moving it out of the publicly visible forums.

 

If you can't access Under the Oak Tree, but would like to continue reading the story, send me a PM and I'll email or PM you new chapters whenever they are ready.

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