Preprise Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 Wrote this a while back and have posted it elsewhere also. It's one of my strongest works and has withstood the test of time. I'll be posting my stronger pieces to begin with, just to give you a chance to see what I'm about. Go ahead and comment whichever way you want. Swaying Beauty She is wilder than the flowers a swaying beauty in a field Half her life in guarded towers her subtle strength now revealed A pause to clear your mind of thoughts best forgotten washed away She is wilder than the flowers a swaying beauty swept away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 (edited) as requested It's very pretty and pleasing to the hear lyrically, but maybe a touch too abstract? Swaying Beauty <---allusion to "sleeping beauty" maybe, pairs nice with guarded towers She is wilder than the flowers <--- nice use of line breaks in place of punctuation of say a colon or hyphen throughout. Still I wander if you want an implicit hard pause here or not (or at the end of your other lines). Lines breaks traditionally do not imply a pause, yet they still can somewhat imply a tiny pause sometimes, but not always... At any rate the sing - song rhythm (anapest?) seems to want a pause, yet the I can read most the poem just a well without pauses. Actually, I think it reads better that way for all save the first line, which I read as an implied colon or common. a swaying beauty <--- Nice structure, noun fragment cool. in a field Half her life in guarded towers <--- okay, you're telling us part of a story here? For what purpose? Is she so wild and rare that she must kept under guard? wouldn't that deflate her some -- the solitude, her wildness. I know you are not writing a narrative, but you've chosen to bring out this detail of her life, which alludes to a history of some sorts that is not in the rest of poem. just something to consider. her subtle strength <--- okay, what strength? Where? How? Only strength I can potentially see is if I let my mind run with the comparative metaphor of the flower(s) literally and see a "flower" as being strong since it can stand up to the sway of the wind. However, I do not see how this applies to the "swaying beauty if I read "her" as a human type figure. Unless you mean that her "subtle strength" exists because she needs to be guarded, and well I'm kind of going out on a limb to read that much into it. now revealed A pause to clear your mind of thoughts (Okay, a shift from 3rd to 2nd person. Who is pausing here? Is the speaker pointing to a third figure not previously mentioned. Personas: 1 - Speaker, 2 - the Beauty, 3 - whoever this you/your person is? You haven't primed your readers for this new entity, which could be forgiven if you developed him/her more, but you don't, so I'm confused. Other option is that the speaker is referring to the beauty who is reflecting on her situtation, but I think this unlikely with the way it's currently phrased. best forgotten washed away She is wilder than the flowers <--- repeating first stanza. Neat enough, good for bringing the everything full circle, particularly in repeating forms or sing-songy ballad type stuff and it serves to reinforce your point / theme etc. Only problem is I have no idea what your theme/point is. You haven't (IMHO) informed me as to how she is wild and why, how, or in what way she is swept away and by whom or by what agency. a swaying beauty swept away. <-- Aye! Perfect rhyme with the same word repeated. In your first two Stanzas you used imperfect rhyme (or is it near or half rhyme?), so one would think you would keep up this tread. However nothing wrong with perfect rhyme intermixed with imperfect in such a short poem per se. However, to be blunt fulfilling a rhyme in an already established scheme with the same word in succession is just a failure of imagination. Very nice. Works well enough as a song lyrics, but I feel as a poem it could be more thoroughly developed. my thoughts, rev... Edited October 17, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preprise Posted October 17, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 Thanks got me thinking. I did notice the disembodied voice in the second to last verse. I'm somewhat troubled by it also. Just not sure how to handle it at this point. How about this I pause to clear my mind of thoughts Makes it clearer it is the author speaking? I agree with everything except your comments regarding the subtle strength. I think it's quite clear how a flower can have subtle strength. You made me think big time about the fact that this might be too abstract. At the point where I wrote this I was going through a creative shift towards further encryption. Thanks for your exhaustive study of my poem. I'll definitely take a closer look at it and if I do choose to make changes -more than likely I will- I'll post the update. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 (edited) I pause to clear my mind of thoughts Yep that would clarify it's your main persona speaking. However, doing that would also create another problem. If your main persona is self aware of his/her own thoughts and not just describing the actions/life of the beauty, then you create a dichotomy between the two. In other words, a relationship now exists between the speaker and beauty, but the details of that relationship is absent from both the proceeding and concluding lines of the poem. Depending on how you choose to approach it either could be sufficient. To steal a phrase from fiction: your characters are flat and undeveloped. "I agree with everything except your comments regarding the subtle strength. I think it's quite clear how a flower can have subtle strength." Yes, I agree flowers can have strength, but as written "the beauty" is not a flower. If she is "wilder than flowers," then she (again as currently written) cannot be a flower herself figuratively or literally. She is something more than that. So tying her strength to the strength exhibited by flowers (something she has been contrasted with) doesn't hold up logically. In this case you have neither shown nor told us enough about her to drawn this strong association with flowers. If you have said "wilder than 'other' flowers," which just sounds horrible like that. Then okay, she's a flower too (whether figurative or literal), but the meaning is still obscure. How is the strength subtle? How is it revealed. Some ideas spring to mind by examining your title, but we're in the second stanza by now and your title alone cannot carry this poetic weight for you. all the best, rev... Edited October 17, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preprise Posted October 18, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2007 you're right. The flower metaphor is lost when I'm using flowers to compare. She is wilder than the flowers. So now the flowers are out of the picture, so subtle strength now sort of floats conceptually, anchored to nothing. Is that what you mean? Cause that's a really good point. If I gave a better clue in the title as to what this is about it might come cleaner then? I'm working on other projects with tight deadlines but as soon as I get a chance I want to toy with this. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted October 19, 2007 Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 Wyvern steps into the Banquet Hall with a thuggish swagger, wearing a striped mafioso suit that wouldn't look out of place in "The Godfather III," but which probably would look out of place in "The Godfather" or "The Godfather II" simply because it wouldn't be classy enough. The overgrown lizard adjusts the cheap, affordable Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring that rests on his pinky claw, then breaths a slightly smoky sigh and wanders over to the table where Preprise's poem sits. Wyvern lifts his ring to his mouth and crunches off the candy diamond in one bite, chewing in big jaw motions as he lifts "Swaying Beauty" to his snout. "Mm hmm. Mmm hmm. Aahhh, interesssting." Wyvern shakes the poem in the air once his beady eyes have finished skimming the page. He turns to Preprise with a sleazy grin of razor sharp teeth, sliding a claw up and down the page but not tearing it. "Mr. Preprissse, I don't believe we've met. Name'sss Wyvern, an' I'm a big wig 'round these Pen parts. Ever watched the Almost Report? Heard of Almost Dragonic Inc.? Now you know." Wyvern stares at Preprise's blank and slightly confused expression for a moment, then snorts. He slides another Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring off of the tip of his left horn, then lowers it to his mouth and crunches off the candy diamond in one bite. He chews it with his mouth open. "Anyway, bottom line isss, this is quality material. The type o' quality material that I could see in the next Almost Dragonic Brand Loseleaf Poetry Brochure, if ya get my drift. But there are a few suggestions I'd like to make, for the record." Wyvern reaches up to the tip of his right horn and pulls off another Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring. He lowers the ring to his snout and stuffs the candy diamond into his mouth, crunching it off in one bite. "First of all, in this first line." Wyvern swats the first line with a claw, accidentally tearing through the words "She is." "Sssorry. In this first line, we got this chick and she's a freak with hers, right? I mean, this is one mama that would go all the way. Now, I gotta break it to you Preprise. The flowers are great, but the flowers ain't selling. Ya gotta make thisss thing marketable. Marketability is key. My opinion? Strip'er down, toss'er some see-through lingerie, and watch the flocksss of people pay money to sssee her sway across that field. I mean, she does sway right?" Wyvern watches Preprise raise a brow and slowly nod his head, then reaches down for his tail stinger and pulls another Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring from it. He quickly jams the candy diamond into his mouth and makes it disappear in a single bite. "Now, ditto for thisss second stanza thing." Wyvern pokes at the fourth line of the poem, dotting it with holes but narrowly missing the words. "Remember, we gotta sell this hot tamale. Ssso if she was into the dominatrix bondage stuff before getting freed to the fieldsss, you know damn well you gotta draw'em in with the juicy details. You wanna make money off this, you better start taking this sweet tart to town." Wyvern tosses the poem back onto its table and reaches down for his right foot, pulling an Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring with a piece of used gum stuck to it from one of his toes. He kills the candy diamond and the accompanying piece of gum in one bite. "Ssso, bottom line Preppy. Can I can you Preppy?" Preprise shakes his head. "O.K, bottom line Preppy. If you want your poem to be included in Almost Dragonic Brand Loseleaf Poetry Brochures, the ONLY all-smut poetry brochures at the Pen, you're gonna have to make some serious, business-oriented revisions. You wanna make lotsa geld? You gotta let your poem show a little skin. Capiche?" Wyvern reaches into his pouch and pulls out another Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring. He grins and extends it in Preprise's direction. "You wanna Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring, by the way?" Wyvern points a claw at the ring. "They're cheap, affordable, and only slightly poisonous." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preprise Posted October 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 your breath stinks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preprise Posted October 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2007 oh and you might find what you're looking for here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 "Oh exxxcellent, I'll sssee if it meets the qualifications fer sure." Wyvern tugs a tattered agenda book from his striped suit pocket and scrawls something about Preprise's poetry somewhere between "Scheme for geld" and "Scheme for geld." The overgrown lizard repockets the little black book with a spin of a claw, tattering it even more. "And thanksss for the headsss up about the breath. If only I had some kind of breath freshener that was inexpensive, but macho enough to maintain my male pride. But WAIT! What'sss this?" Wyvern reaches into his pouch and pulls out a bottle labeled Almost Dragonic Brand Magma Elemental Mouthwash. The ashen black of the bottle doesn't make it gleam under the Banquet Hall lights, but its jagged surface does make it look sort of like a sacrificial dagger. "Thisss potent brand of mouthwash is sure to eliminate any sssigns of bad breath, and in many cases can eliminate any signs of breath at all! At the very least, the smoke that this thing generates will cloud the room enough for noone to recognize where the bad breath is coming from." Wyvern grins and points a claw at the bottle, then lifts the Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring he had offered Preprise earlier. "For today only, I'm offering you both of these fine itemsss for a mere 48 geld! Trussst me, you'll need this mouthwash after eating the candy ring. Waddaya say Preppy?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preprise Posted October 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 35 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 (edited) Aye! Perfect rhyme with the same word repeated. In your first two Stanzas you used imperfect rhyme (or is it near or half rhyme? I believe the techincal term you are looking for is slant rhyme. To Prepise: I do have one general comment about your poetry but I'm waiting to see another piece or two before I make a statement of that nature. It's more along the lines of a "for your consideration" kind of comment. However I don't wish to make the statement after seeing only two poems as my thought could easily be dissuaded in the third or forth poem. So until then, interesting work. Nuff said. Edited October 26, 2007 by Yui-chan Just a tag fix. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 "Thirty Fi-?!" Wyvern stammers and raises a claw, then pauses and bites his scaly lip as he glances down at the items in question. He slowly raises the Almost Dragonic Brand Candy Diamond Claw Ring back towards his snout to examine the exact value of the candy, licking his lips as the smell of the diamond once again reaches his nostrils. The overgrown lizard's eyes dart towards Preprise as he stuffs the candy ring into his mouth and crunches off the diamond in one bite. He attempts to clear his throat as he chews on the would-be sale item. "I'll give ya the Almost Dragonic Brand Magma Elemental Mouthwash for 33 geld, and I'll tossss in a free Almost Dragonic Brand Payassociate Multi-thousand Geld Donate Button to boot." Wyvern pulls out a rusty shirt button with a rustier pin and the words "Pay Me" tagged on its surface. "Waddaya say, Preppy? I'm accepting any higher bidsss, of course!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preprise Posted October 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 Takes a step toward the over-sized lizard, leans forward near its twitching scaly ears and begins in a hush -tell you what Lizzy, you don't mind if I call you Lizzy do you? The lizard hisses -All right Lizzy, I'll buy your trash on one condition. I want to be published in your dirty magazine. I want to publish a 6 part series I've been working on called The bliss of monogamy and the christian lifestyle: a step by step guide. Publish that in your dirty mag and I'll buy 50 geld's worth of your almost dragonic junk. Whadda ya say Lizzy? Steps back and grins at the over-sized iguana. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted October 26, 2007 Report Share Posted October 26, 2007 "Lizzy???" Wyvern stares at Preprise with a baffled expression, then slowly breaks into an extra-wide business man grin. The overgrown lizard grabs one of Preprise's hands and shakes it in an excited manner. "Honessstly Preppy, I'm flattered that we're already on such familiar terms! I see a long and healthy business relationship building between us two." Wyvern shoves the Almost Dragonic Brand Magma Elemental Mouthwash into Preprise's hands, ignoring the wisp of smoke that rises from a tiny crack on the jagged bottle's surface. "Indeed, your busssiness offer sounds most acceptable. I would be happy to publish yer 6 part piece in Almost Dragonic Brand Loseleaf Poetry Brochures for your 50 geld purchassse of this Almost Dragonic Brand Magma Elemental Mouthwash." Wyvern scribbles something in his tattered agenda book. "A few pointersss: each of your installments of The bliss of monogamy and the christian lifestyle should be between 50,000 to 70,000 wordsss in length in order to fit the spacing of the brochure. Part 1 will be due on October 28th in order to publish the brochure in a timely manner. Our reptilian editorsss will be hard at work cross-checking for raunchy detailsss while at the same time emphasizing your Christian lifestyle to the reader." Wyvern grins and squeals in anticipation, twisting his tail and extending a claw to accept his 50 geld. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preprise Posted October 26, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2007 crapuhm, I just remembered, I have something I have to do. I'll call you. *runs away* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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