two more poems

[Ran Yoko]

the first one is sort of inspired by Native American legends, and the second one is something-from-the-depths-of-my-mind-while-being-clutched-by-writer's-block-and-trying-to-get-past-it.

 

"Listen, Watch, Feel"

 

"Listen. . .

to the song of the wind

to the cry of the eagle

to the voice of the trees

Watch. . .

the path of the sun

the flight of the hawk

the dance of the sea

Feel. . .

the movement of the earth

the heat of the flame

the love of others."

 

"Storyteller"

 

"You, who dwell in the light,

let me tell you of the dark.

You, who dwell in the dark,

let me tell you of the light.

Gather around the fire,

and let me tell my tales.

Stories of love and hate,

war and peace,

heroes and villains,

legends and truths.

Gather around and listen,

for am I not a Storyteller?

Weaver of dreams,

and teller of tales!"

 

there you have it. please post as much feedback as you want on here.

[Silver WInd]

Listen, Watch, Feel

 

I really liked this one becasue of the originality of the subject, poetry insptire by Native American stories and lore are not seen very often. And I love the way the poem itself is written in much the same style as a Native American story might be told. It almost has that kind of chant feel to it like the rythem of a beating drum.

 

Storyteller

 

"You, who dwell in the light,

let me tell you of the dark.

You, who dwell in the dark,

let me tell you of the light.

I really liked the contrast of these lines and you you repated them in verse of each other. But over all though the poem was written well, I just did not feel that there was anything new about it. After those first lines it had a kind of a dull feeling to it, and nothing really stood out about it. Though simple can be a good thing in some cases, this poem perhaps could use something a bit more.

[Preprise]

the first one is sort of inspired by Native American legends, and the second one is something-from-the-depths-of-my-mind-while-being-clutched-by-writer's-block-and-trying-to-get-past-it.

 

"Listen, Watch, Feel"

 

"Listen. . .

to the song of the wind

to the cry of the eagle

to the voice of the trees

Watch. . .

the path of the sun

the flight of the hawk

the dance of the sea

Feel. . .

the movement of the earth

the heat of the flame

the love of others."

 

There's no point, it says nothing. Is it like a meditation? Just a musing? This may be the seed of an idea but it hasn't gone anywher yet.

"Storyteller"

 

"You, who dwell in the light,

let me tell you of the dark.

You, who dwell in the dark,

let me tell you of the light.

Gather around the fire,

and let me tell my tales.

Stories of love and hate,

war and peace,

heroes and villains,

legends and truths.

Gather around and listen,

for am I not a Storyteller?

Weaver of dreams,

and teller of tales!"

 

there you have it. please post as much feedback as you want on here.

Same sort of problem but it's better, at least theres a character. This sounds like it's the beginning of a story. The other stanzas would expound, know what I mean?

[reverie]

eh, I get the whole traditional native american poetry inspiration thing. I studied lots and lots of the stuff last semester. Sadly it doesn't always translate well to the page. Most poets of nations conquered by an outside language have the same dilemma. Particularly when the indigenous incarnations of poetry were already well established. Question like: How far do you go to match the conventions of the conquerors tongue vs. the traditional one that continues to fade from collective memory. Irish and Scottish poets shoulder the same burden.

 

Ellipses aren't needed to get the pause effects you're looking for though. Simply double spacing works too.

One possibility:

 

Listen, Watch, Feel

 

Listen

 

to the song of the wind

to the cry of the eagle

to the voice of the trees

 

Watch

 

the path of the sun

the flight of the hawk

the dance of the sea

 

Feel

 

the movement of the earth

the heat of the flame

the love of others.

 

 

Check out Joy Harjo:

 

http://www.vcu.edu/engweb/webtexts/Harjo/

 

-rev...

Edited October 25, 2007 by reverie

[Da_Yog]

I do think I prefer it with distinct stanza breaks between listen, watch, and feel. However, I don't necessarily think the elipses need to go. If, as a poet, Sora was trying to establish an incomplete thought then I feel the elipses are a good way to go. If the poet is just seeking an emphatic pause then there are indeed better methods of acheiving it. The extra space between the keyword and the stanza it is associated with can work for that as can a dash -- or —. Both methods tend to work better for strong pauses than the elipse. One thing you might want to consider Sora is the use of an emphatic pause after listen, watch, and feel and then end each stanza with an elipse. The reason I say this is that each stanza does appear to be incomplete thoughts so a good way of showing that you intend them to be so is to end with the elipse.

 

I would like to see a bit more development of "Storyteller". You pose some intersting concepts that warrant more exploration. I would say you have successfully hooked the reader, now it's time to really drive the concepts home.

[reverie]

I agree that ellipses solely as agents of "pausing" should be avoided at all cost.

 

"If, as a poet, Sora was trying to establish an incomplete thought then I feel the elipses are a good way to go. "

 

Possibly, but does not each "key word" (listen, watch, feel) flow directly into each succeeding line respectively, thus completing the thought? Even if the succession of images is meant to go on and on, the direct connection btw the "key word" and the rest of the stanza has already been linked up to the next phrase sort of speak.

 

Don't think dashes (em or en) / double hyphens would work either. They're usually used to enclose like parenthesis. A colon might if you reworked each supporting line, but that's a little over kill I think. A simple comma might do the trick. However, I don't think (and this rare for me) that much punctuation is really needed in this poem. Ditto on the ending ellipses.

 

Hmm, what we need here is real grammar aficionado. Hey someone go wake up Quincunx.

 

 

rev...

Edited October 25, 2007 by reverie

[Da_Yog]

As each keyword is followed by lists a colon could work. A bit stuffy, I think, for this poem, but could work. Now a comma has a nice ring to it. A good short pause followed immediately by supporting material. But then a comma would kind of beg for another comma after each line with a period at the end of the stanza. I still like the potential of a dash for a good emphatic pause. In the end, what really matters to me, and hopefully to the poet, is what the poet is trying to accomplish. If Sora thinks there should really be an elipse there, then there should be an elipse, and I'm cool with that.

[Quincunx]

You've all got the punctuation covered thoroughly. What did you need me for? *grin*

 

reverie: Out of respect to the original "Listen, Look, Feel", I'd leave out the blank line after each key word, although I would use them as you did if the poem was my own work.

 

Curious that these two should be clumped together, though; they're both introductions as Preprise noted. "Listen, Look, Feel" would be bland on its own, but as the actual words spoken by the Storyteller before a tale, becomes interesting. That poem becomes the "show" of the "show, don't tell" advice.

[Appy]

(abiding by your request of any feedback, thanks for posting in the first place Sora! )

 

I don't know if you did that on purpose Quin, but you using "Listen, Look, Feel" instead of the original "Listen, Watch, Feel" makes me think that Look would be a better word there.

Something to do with the 'feel' of the words Listen and Feel. Look fits better in that row than Watch.

Of course this would mean a complete change of the second stanza (I'm assuming that you'd call each part after a single word a stanza).

A simple solution there would be to add 'at' in front of each line.

This would also break the half-pattern you have of starting both second and third stanza's with 'the' but the first with 'to'..

I feel that you should either be consistent with repetition, or not use it at all. Right now it creates chaos where you seem to aim for a feeling of serenity (judging by the imagery and the last line).

 

And about the imagery you use... There is an inconsistant consistancy in it (*grin*).

By that I am talking about having something 'elemental and general' in the first lines (wind, sun, earth).

Using a bird twice as a second line (but not in the third; inconsistancy).

Something equally general as third line (although the comparison of trees and sea could be debated, they could both be seen as 'elements'), but then you completely go off course in the last two lines by using a flame instead of a bird, and talking about love, something which sounds and feels completely out of place in a poem like this, at least in the way that you use it.

Toy around with the imagery, keep in mind how Native Americans think about their land, their heritage, and maybe something beautiful will arise from this seedling. Right now, it seems bland and without point. Either go with repetition or avoid it completely. And find some sort of ending too.. seeing how there is non right now.

Looking forward to see what you will make of it if you do toy around with it a bit more

(Of course, I haven't read any Native American poetry, but from your introduction it's not based on their poetry but rather on their stories, correct?)

 

And as an afterthought, I would leave out any punctuation after Listen, Watch, Feel. The fact that it's a stand alone word gives it enough pause. But then again, I dislike punctuation in poetry as a whole, and only use it when absolutely necessary

 

Have little to say on Storyteller which hasn't already been said. Do expand

[Quincunx]

"Out of respect to the original" indeed! Box my ears for writing the wrong title just after that pomposity! What you saw consciously (and what I think I picked up subconsciously), Appy, were three active verbs. "Watch" may be grammatically an active verb, but the subject of the sentence is passively watching* whatever else occurs in the sentence, instead of the subject looking at what occurs.

 

*that's a passive grammatical construction as well. whee!