Da_Yog Posted October 13, 2007 Report Posted October 13, 2007 There is some alliteration in lines 1,2,6, and 7. I may try and rework lines 3-5 to include some alliteration for more consistency. Try and keep comments to a level 3. This is still a first draft and not ready for the super-critical stuff yet. A single feather flutters in the wind, Tossed carelessly on a callous breeze. It’s soft gray down untouched, It’s base—alabaster white—unseen, The core: hollow, empty, unfulfilled… Wandering where the currents may take it. A lone feather, lost and out of place.
Silver WInd Posted October 13, 2007 Report Posted October 13, 2007 I really like the concept of this poem, it paints a lovely picture, with some great descriptions. I really love the image of a callous breeze Keeping in mind that this is just a draft, here are some posisble considerations for the revision It’s soft gray down untouched, It’s base—alabaster white—unseen, It may sound better if you left out the first it, and instead said soft gray down untouched, It’s base—alabaster white—unseen, and Wandering where the currents may take it. this is quite minor and may just be me, but to me, Wandering where comes off a bit awakard to read. I eagerly await to see the completed version, you are off to a really good start
Da_Yog Posted January 18, 2008 Author Report Posted January 18, 2008 Made some edits and added a title. I'm pretty happy with it now. Flutter A single feather flutters in the wind, Tossed carelessly on a callous breeze. Soft gray down untouched, It’s base—alabaster white—unseen, The core: hollow, empty, unfulfilled … Thrust where the currents may take him. One feather: lost, alone.
Silver WInd Posted January 18, 2008 Report Posted January 18, 2008 Hehe well you already know my thoughts on the revisied version, but even so I will say it again. Good job, love how it turned out.
Da_Yog Posted January 19, 2008 Author Report Posted January 19, 2008 Thank you very much. Also thanks for your's and Scatterbrain's help with it. I rather like the way it turned out as well.
reverie Posted January 20, 2008 Report Posted January 20, 2008 Small note on alliteration. Um, when it's only a pairing of two words, I wouldn't bother trying emphasize it or replicate it unless you are just doing so naturally. I mean to say, don't force it. Alliteration pairs come up so much in normal speech that it's really no big deal. Now when you start combining chains of three or more then people will take notice since it is such an usual thing in normal speech. If you really interested in using it often though for effect, then I would bone up on some old english examples and see why and how alliteration was used in the first place. That might start you off on using kenning though, which is a headache. rev...
Da_Yog Posted January 20, 2008 Author Report Posted January 20, 2008 (edited) LoL, I thought with the finished product it was obvious I decided to steer away from a strong alliterative stance. Clearly I was wrong. As for an old english kenning, I never even thought of this poem going in that direction. I didn't split each line into two half lines, didn't alliterate the first stressed word of each half-line, didn't include a minimum of three alliterative words in each line with a maximum of four stressed alliterative words per line, I didn't follow any of the old english examples of alliteration. Never wanted to. I won't even go into why I ignored the old english rules about why specific consonant phonemes don't count as alliteration and why others do. Nor was this poem ever meant to be a spoken epic resounding in nobly sounding ancient consonants. Perhaps I should go take another look at Beowulf in it's original and Tolkien's groundbreaking essay on it and see if I can glean some more details from them. They were quite interesting reads. In the end heavy, alliteration would detract from what was important to this poem. I can't think of a good reason for doing that for the sake of alliteration. Edited January 20, 2008 by Da_Yog
reverie Posted January 25, 2008 Report Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) Sorry, I was speaking in general as far research (on alliteration goes) for future writings and not specifically this poem. It was directed at the discussion of alliteration by way of informing others of my opinion of the subject. I'll try to be more clear next time. I'm a free verse poet through and through, but any exploration helps (as is usual in my case) at least indirectly in informing a person's creative tool box. Ditto on the Kennings too. Again, alliteration pairs are really no big deal, in the grand tool box of poetic devices they're really nothing special, and I agree that there's no need to stress alliteration, particularly in this poem as you stated. Just notes from a prosy poet. take it easy, rev... Edited January 25, 2008 by reverie
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