Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 12, 2007 Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 I never knew your person I only knew your face How elegant that picture Each image filled with grace I used to pause in wonder And sigh “How beautiful,” And every time I would forget That this faery girl was real. I never even knew you I only saw your face How elegant those pictures Each image filled with grace My sister used to tell me About your floor-length hair And I would sigh in envy And forget without a care. I never knew your feelings I only knew your face How elegant that picture Each image filled with grace. And then a sudden tragedy I sat at home alone Until the one who’s strongest Came home and sat right down. The thing that scared me most that night Was not the loss so true But the havoc that it wreaked in us Even me, not knowing you. I watched my sister, always strong As she dissolved into tears And sobbing brokenheartedly, That was my greatest fear. I didn’t know how to fix it This pain that cut so deep I tore her heart open so wide I could see nearly every beat. And even though I never knew you I knew the loss was felt And tears leaked from my own soul From sorrow, pain, and guilt. Why could I not help her to mend? Why could I only watch? As my strongest sister melted Her tears without a staunch. I never even knew you I only knew your face But each image was so beautiful Each picture filled with grace. We don’t know how to stop these things Or even how to mend But deep inside we all know We will see you again. No longer will I not know you No longer just your face I will get to know your person Because of endless grace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 In case anyone is wondering, this is based off of last year. At my school there were a couple of rapid, close together suicides, and one of them was my older sister's good friend. It hurt a lot. I'm involved in a club called Voices, and we publish a Literary Magazine every year, and that year there was a tribute to the girl my sister knew. I wrote this after reading through those again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted October 12, 2007 Report Share Posted October 12, 2007 This was really good, I loved the use of repitition in this poem, it worked quite well. It was very profound and touching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted October 13, 2007 Report Share Posted October 13, 2007 (edited) I agree, the emotion is strong, sincere, and shines through quite well. I also liked the repetition, it helped seat the emotion of the poem in my mind. I do have one thing you might want to consider. When you get some time, look it through and consider how it might look with more than one stanza. Some breaks at the repetition lines might work well...and if you decide you like it better the way it is, then just ignore what I said. Either way, nice work. Edited October 13, 2007 by Da_Yog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted October 17, 2007 Report Share Posted October 17, 2007 Very well conveyed emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 Very well wirtten poem Kikuyu. You have captured the scene exceptionally well from the objective perspective. The repitition as other have stated works remarkably well to drive home over and over the respectful distanced adoration of the author in respect ofthe subject matter. Regarding the subject matter, might I suggest buying the work of Kahlil Gibran - a short book called "The Prophet" which is written in a very easy to read format. One of the quotes that stands out regarding this particular piece is: "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." "The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." Apt truisms in my opinion from my experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 Ooooh. My parents gave me the Prophet to read when I was young. Wow, 1966? Great recommendation! And now I wanna read it again. Anyway, I found myself reading this aloud the second time, with the repetition working like a choral refrain for me. This felt like a song. I'd love to hear someone like Aimee Mann sing it. I'm with Da Yog - line breaks would visually make it easier for the eye to flow through. Specially for we ADHD readers who distract ourselves! I love it when you post, you always give me something I can feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 23, 2007 Report Share Posted October 23, 2007 for some reason reminded me of this Beatle's song: http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/im_look...through_you.asp not sure why... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 A Beatles song? I've never gotten that before! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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