Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 2, 2007 Report Posted October 2, 2007 Sitting here, my fingers slip on the keys, Though they are as sticky as frozen gummy bears, These pathetic school keyboards, The mouse takes half a minute to travel across the screen, These pathetic school mouses, And the screen flickers in and out of focus, These pathetic school computers. And here I sit, my head nodding, Attempting a little ditty of some...strange...sort, Not really making any sense, Not really trying... I have a history test today, I wonder what it's on, Something to do with the War of 1812, Which I know took place in 1812, or so... ...maybe... So I think I'll go find a place to sleep, If I don't get dragged away to class first, To take that history test on the War of Not-Really-1812... ...maybe...
Elvina Posted October 5, 2007 Report Posted October 5, 2007 (edited) This had me chuckling, Kikuyu. Very blasé indeed. I liked it and I sympathise with you. School computers make me want to get in there and tinker so things go faster. Edited October 5, 2007 by Elvina
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 8, 2007 Author Report Posted October 8, 2007 Yeah, if I thought my mind was mush then.... Well let's not go into it. The mind of a crashed Kikuyu is not a good thing. + (aka lack of sleep) =
Patrick Posted October 17, 2007 Report Posted October 17, 2007 *grins* I'll wholeheartedly agree on that feeling of half-awakeness. Oh and school computers suck...
Preprise Posted October 23, 2007 Report Posted October 23, 2007 In your profile you say: "I want to know what people like and don't like about what I've written." I didn't like much really. ellipsis points drive me up the wall, they always come off so... affected . The whole thing reeked of adolescent self loathing and depression. Not a subject that turns my crank. Too predictable. I did like the mischievous twist where you hope to escape and grab a few winks. It was sort of amusing. More of a rant than a finished piece.
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 24, 2007 Author Report Posted October 24, 2007 Thank you Preprise for your honesty. I must say, your post made made me laugh. I've never been associated with teenage anxt or depression in any part of my life. I'm a generally chipper person. I could not supress a chuckle. And the observation that it was more of a rant than a finished piece, well, you would be absolutely and 100% correct. This was at about 7:50 in the morning, I was on a sour computer with a sleepy headache, and I had a test over which I wasn't exactly sure what it was about. And trust me, if you had my school computers, you'd want to rant too. But I thank you, and I'll try to stay away from the 'emo ranter' sort of type. Perhaps you should look at some of my other poems, if only to assure you that I'm not the kind of girl who sits in the corner and considers all the types of flaws that can be aimed at myself.
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 25, 2007 Author Report Posted October 25, 2007 I'm not judgmental. No of course not! I never suggested anything of the sort. I'm glad you shared your opinion with me.
Preprise Posted October 26, 2007 Report Posted October 26, 2007 I know you didn't suggest that. Just wanting to reassure you.
Yui-chan Posted October 26, 2007 Report Posted October 26, 2007 But I thank you, and I'll try to stay away from the 'emo ranter' sort of type. Kikuyu, You know, take this or leave it as you will, but I think even 'emo ranter' poems have a place in the world. If not for their affect on your audience, then at least for what they do for you as the author. I don't think any poet should try to avoid a poem that their heart wants them to write, even if societal conventions have made it an unpopular tone to use. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay if some (or even all!) people don't like a poem. Don't let that force you to 'stay away' from writing what you feel. Not every piece has to be The Masterpiece, especially not here on the Pen. <3, ~Yui
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 26, 2007 Author Report Posted October 26, 2007 Oh trust me, Yui, I know! I suppose as usual my words did not come out the right way when I expressed that I would 'stay away from emo-ranter mode'. But I thank you for your support. Perhaps I'll have to write two poems hand in hand, one about severe death and gloom and one extremely happy one ;P
Preprise Posted October 28, 2007 Report Posted October 28, 2007 I think Yui is saying, do what you want.
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 28, 2007 Author Report Posted October 28, 2007 Yes. I know. OK. I think we've kind of over done the whole "Kikuyu do what you want", because as I read back through these posts, they're so redundant I want to scream. I get the point, I understand, let's just drop it now.
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 28, 2007 Author Report Posted October 28, 2007 I'm sorry if that was touchy, I wasn't feeling well, and still am not. But this isn't a blog for people to have a running conversation about the rules of poetry, or how irritated a person gets when things are repeated, so I would like it to pause and leave room for any more critiques that most likely will not come this way. I think this poem has been utterly wrung dry. No more posts about Kikuyu's freedom as a writer!!!! As I said, I'm sorry if this comes across touchy or rude, but at the moment I cannot help it and I will be forever in your debt and forgiveness. I sincerely appreciate the thoughts and opinions expressed in the critiques and replys above. Thank you all.
reverie Posted October 29, 2007 Report Posted October 29, 2007 (edited) Just did some minor tweaking and rearranging. Just to show you possibilities. You paint nice scenes. You know how and where you want to move to, but you're still dancing around it little. Although they are as sticky as frozen gummy bears Sitting here, my fingers slip on the keys. How pathetic, these school keyboards. The mouse takes half a minute to travel across the screen-- pathetic mice--and the screen flickers in and out of focus these pathetic school computers. And here I sit, my head nodding, attempting a little ditty of some strange sort, not really making any sense, Not really trying. I have a history test today, I wonder what it's on, something to do with the War of 1812, which I believe took place in 1812 or so. Maybe. So I think I'll go find a place to sleep, If I don't get dragged away to class first to take that history test on the War of not- really-1812, or so. Edited October 29, 2007 by reverie
Kikuyu_Black_Paws Posted October 29, 2007 Author Report Posted October 29, 2007 The whole point of the poem being disjointed was to connect with my thoughts being disjointed at that hour of the morning. Hence the fragment 'maybe' sentence and the lack of the "I believe". Also, the part of it being all one block without any spaces in between lines was to relate the blur of the morning. But I did like the change to 'how pathetic, these school computers'. Thanks for these thoughts!
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