Silver WInd Posted October 1, 2007 Report Posted October 1, 2007 Hospital Room Even in the darkness one feels oppressed in white starkness fresh flowers brought everyday with unknown names yet everyday the sickness begins to ebb away still one cannot escape how everything looks the same. Light filters in the window outside birds sing delight cards scattered on the table with meaningless sentiment while outside the world passes by without a sigh looking through the blinds trying to justify containment. The door swings open and the nurse crosses the floor within her hand the papers to be signed at last freedom once tasted not to be wasted the pen scrawls the signature unresigned.
Da_Yog Posted October 2, 2007 Report Posted October 2, 2007 A couple of lines immediately grabbed my attention with this one. Line one of stanza one and line three of stanza three. I thought at first it might have been the internal rhyme but after further thought the internal rhyme only attracted my ear. What I really liked in line one was the negative implication of the hospital white, it was stark and even in the dark it's still there. The juxtaposition of dark and light was an interesting touch. In line three of stanza three the internal rhyme came a bit fast...but I liked the message. I think perhaps it might be worth looking at lengthening the line a bit so that the rhyme doesn't come quite so fast. Just a thought, I could be totally whack.
Silver WInd Posted October 2, 2007 Author Report Posted October 2, 2007 Thank you, and regaurding the 3rd line of the last stanza I completely agree with you, I thought about it at the time, but kidn of got stuck, and could not think of what I could add on to try and extend it a bit more.
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